Playdate: Does Your Sitter ‘Love’ Your Kids?
My daughter tells her babysitter “I love you” every day when I pick her up and gives her a kiss. Her sitter does it right back.
And although we’re not related, it doesn’t bother me one wit.
According to Amy Jo over at Philly Moms Blog, it should. The stay-at-home mom says she’s protecting her kids from insincerity when she says she’d rather not hear her kids’ childcare provider using the “love” word with her kids.
“My oldest is only three and change, and I doubt he understands the
difference between how his parents love him and how his teachers “love”
him. I would hate for him to suffer any kind of hurt over this
confusion,” she says.
Hold on a minute here. Doesn’t everyone who “loves” our kids love them in different degrees? You don’t tell Great Aunt Sally not to say “I love you” even though she sees them once a year and can barely remember their names, do you? True, she’s family, but this woman doesn’t even know their names! And sends your son barrettes to wear in his buzz-cut hair!
Maybe I’m particularly lucky. My nursery school teacher still gives me a hug when she sees me, and she’s been out of the game for some twenty years. Living in Florida most of the year, she sees me only in the summers at chance run-ins at the grocery store. And still, she remembers particular details about my childhood and relates them with a genuine smile. She might not love me like one of the kids she gave birth to, but I was one of her kids. Just like the hundreds of other little boys and girls who went through her little house on the hill catty-cornered from the old Chevy dealership.
Somehow, I’d bet she’s the rule rather than the exception when it comes to folks who sign up for her (former) profession.
Amy Jo admits she’s being cynical when she fears the teachers are just buttering her up for a better gift at the end of the year. But, really, if the people are in it for the gifts, they’ve chosen the wrong profession.
I chose my sitter based on a number of factors – but the number one was how she related to kids. She genuinely likes being around them and caring for them. So yes, I believe she loves my daughter. Not the kind of all-consuming love that I have for her, of course, but a love that makes her take the kind of care of her that I’d want someone to take while I can’t be with her. You can’t just turn the mama/papa bear thing on during the hours you watch a child and turn it off when they walk out the door.
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I am a babysitter and nanny and have worked in a childcare and in an elementary school. Of course I have so much love for the kids I work with! And yes, I tell them that.
The above comments are very touching to read; I’m about to get all misty-eyed! Thanks to those of you who love children not your own, especially teachers and librarians who deal so often with kids who have next to no love in their lives. I’m sure that you’ve made real differences to these kids thru your love.
AmyJo, while I disagree, I do understand the urge to protect your child from that sort of hurt. But there’s very little one can do about it. These things are going to happen with time as people go in and out of their lives. We are very lucky that the staff at my daughter’s day care doesn’t rotate much. However, some of the other children have come and gone. One of those children was a very close playmate of my daughter, a boy she’d been in contact with nearly her entire life (short though it has been thus far). It’s been months since he left, but she still misses him. And I doubt they ever told each other they loved each other!
My first thought was “How could my daughter’s daycare teacher NOT love my little girl??” : – )
Of course in daycare there is a revolving door with teachers. But I have no doubt that each teacher has loved the children in the class. Its not parental love, but love all the same. And I think its great that my daughter feels loved and cared for the 9 hours a day that she is there. When favorite teachers have left, we talk about it. I let her know they are leaving because they found a better paying job or whatever and that even though they are gone, I’m sure they will think about her and remember the good times they had together and she’ll always have a small place in their heart. Then we move on.
I think my concerns come from two places.
My sister-in-law moved in with us a few years ago after being a nanny for the same family for over five years. I have no doubt that she loved those kids and that they loved her. And when she moved 7 hours away they were crushed. They would call and leave sobbing messages, and it wasn’t just for a few weeks. It was for over a year. After seeing how hard it was for her, I can’t even imagine how hard it was for those kids.
Secondly, I have a very affectionate and emotional son. He’s always asking me about his relationships with other people, so I tend to over think these things.
Thanks for all of your thoughtful replies.
1945, 1946, 1947. Mrs. Henry was my 1st, 2nd, and 3rd grade teacher. Every morning she stood at the giving each child a hug. When school ended for the day, she sent me home with another hug. Friendly, ‘I love you’ hugs.
I told my daughters when they were young, ‘I never passed a school house with going in for another lesson’. Sure I exagerated, but that woman, a widow of the great flu epidemic that followed the First World War always seemed to be standing at the door as I passed by.
Amen, Twyla…
Like many others here noted, I definitely loved the children I used to babysit for (Especially if I was their regular sitter, which I was for about four families). I am still in contact with a good number of them. I am the godmother of one former sittee’s oldest child. I now play hockey with the band o’ little boys from one family that I used to watch every Tuesday and Thursday night for about five years. (Yeah, all six of them TOWER over me now)
And really…teachers in general don’t have time to suck up. Please.
“doesn’t bother me one whit,” not “wit.” Please.
If the argument is to cause the child to avoid future pain, the parent is going to get a rude awakening that you can not prevent pain for your child. Surrounding them with love is going to work far better than exhausting yourself trying to make painless love. It just does not exist. What if something happened to Amy Jo? Should she not tell her child she loves her in case something were to happen to mommy?
I agree. It is obviously not the same love a parent has for a child, but I think children get there are different kinds of love. Actually I don’t think I would want a babysitter who didn’t love my daughter at least a little bit. Also my daughter has always had babysitters who had children her same age so she kind of becomes part of the family. It would be really sad to me if she was treated differently, with less love and attention then her babysitters children.
I’m a young adult librarian in a public library, and I get to know the teens really well over the course of years as they are involved in our activities. By the time they graduate from high school, I can definitly say that I love them, miss them, and wish them all kinds of success in life. I am proud to have spent years investing in them and helping them reach their potential, and their parents are happy to see them having positive mentoring-type relationship. I’d hate to have apathetic adults working with my own kids, and I don’t want to be that kind of adult in other kids’ lives.
Caregivers/teachers don’t have TIME to butter parents up for gifts. Amy Jo should realize that taking care of/teaching children is a full-time job.
As a third grade teacher, I see a lot of students that come from scary homes and see school as a safe haven. They give hugs freely and often sneak their hands into yours when you aren’t looking. I’ve had more than one student tell me that he/she loves me, and more than I can count have slipped up and called me “Mom” out of pure habit. Since I went into the profession to make a difference these things don’t bother me at all and shouldn’t bother anyone else.
Also a babysitter and nanny, and the kids I get to know over the course of years, how could I not love them? Many of them know me better than the majority of their extended family. It shocked me to have a conversation with friends about babysitting and find out that not all of them fall in love with the kids. I’m sure it’s different than I’ll feel about my own kids, but it doesn’t make the love any less real.
As a child who was physically abused by my parents growing up I can say with certainty that some of my teachers loved me more than my parents did. I still talk to some of my teachers, I haven’t talked to my parents since the day turned 18.
Also, as a pre-school teacher I can honestly say that I love my kids.
I agree w/ maeby…there’s just not enough love in the world. I see nothing wrong with my kid having a fondness/attachment to someone I put in charge of them when I cannot care for them, and vice versa. In fact, I’d prefer it!
why wouldnt you want as much love around your child as possible? some kids dont have anyone to tell them they love them.
I was a babysitter/nanny for years, and I did love the littles ones I cared for. Some of them I am still in touch with, and two were in my wedding party. As you say, no, I didn’t love them the way I love my own child, but I would say I love them as much as I do my neices.