Replace coughing with sputtering. Upset stomach with lying on stomach and pounding fists. It sounds like your kid has a serious case of the pandemic whine flu.
Don't worry, we're here to help. With the help of the AP, we've put together an in-depth look at what you need to know about the whine flu:
Q: How easy is it to catch this virus?
A: It spreads easily among preschoolers, elementary age and teenage kids. Marked by the elongation of vowels and a particularly grating addition to their voice, you'll know it when you hear it.
Q: How dangerous is it?
A: To parents at the end of their rope, it is like nails on a chalkboard. Don't walk, parents. Run.
Q: Could I have some immunity?
A: Perhaps. Are you equipped with noise-cancelling headphones and a fully packed playlist for your iPod?
Q: Is it treatable?
A: Yes. Time out helps. Or if that's not your bag, the old "ignore them" trick works quite nicely. When in doubt, pack on those headphones.
Q: Is there a vaccine?
A: Not yet. But if there was, we promise it wouldn't cause autism. Pinky swear.
Q: Why does CDC stress hand-washing?
A: Because kids put their hands in their butts and in their mouths. Nuff said.
Q: Do hand gels work better?
A: I suppose - if you want them all over your walls. But getting back to the real disease at hand:
Q: How long do I have to worry if I just got back from Mexico?
A: That all depends. Did you leave the kids there?
Q: How long should I stay home if I get the flu?
A: Leave. Immediately, if not sooner. Separation from the whine will only strengthen your resolve.
Q: Why are so many schools closing?
A: Teachers can't handle it either. Something about iPods banned by administration.
Q: Can pets get sick?
A: Absolutely. Pushed outdoors to pay for turning your daughter's favorite doll into a chew toy, the dog will begin to show symptoms rapidly.
Q: Can flu spread on imported fruits and vegetables from Mexico?
A: If yours are the type to put up a fight over fruits and veggies, I'm afraid so. Tell them they're magic trees and coat them in cheese, and symptoms will dissipate.
Q: Is it safe to fly? How about the subway?
A: Are you bringing the kids? What about Joe Biden?
Q: Do I need a mask in crowded areas?
A: If you'd rather folks don't know you're the parent of that wheedling, cajoling voice, then you might want to make the investment.
Q: Why hasn't the U.S. closed the border with Mexico?
A: I don't know. I couldn't hear the TV over the demands for strawberry-flavored yogurt in a drinkable cup.
Q: I have a summer trip planned to a state with lots of cases. Should I cancel?
A: Funny thing, vacation seems to bring out the worst of this particular disease. Case in point: "are we theeeeeere yeeeeeeet?"
Any of these symptoms sounding awfully familiar?
Image: Parents
Source (of the questions): AP
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