It’s Not Swine Flu – Your Kid Has Whine Flu
Replace coughing with sputtering. Upset stomach with lying on stomach and pounding fists. It sounds like your kid has a serious case of the pandemic whine flu.
Don’t worry, we’re here to help. With the help of the AP, we’ve put together an in-depth look at what you need to know about the whine flu:
Q: How easy is it to catch this virus?
A: It spreads easily among preschoolers, elementary age and teenage kids. Marked by the elongation of vowels and a particularly grating addition to their voice, you’ll know it when you hear it.
Q: How dangerous is it?
A: To parents at the end of their rope, it is like nails on a chalkboard. Don’t walk, parents. Run.
Q: Could I have some immunity?
A: Perhaps. Are you equipped with noise-cancelling headphones and a fully packed playlist for your iPod?
Q: Is it treatable?
A: Yes. Time out helps. Or if that’s not your bag, the old “ignore them” trick works quite nicely. When in doubt, pack on those headphones.
Q: Is there a vaccine?
A: Not yet. But if there was, we promise it wouldn’t cause autism. Pinky swear.
Q: Why does CDC stress hand-washing?
A: Because kids put their hands in their butts and in their mouths. Nuff said.
Q: Do hand gels work better?
A: I suppose – if you want them all over your walls. But getting back to the real disease at hand:
Q: How long do I have to worry if I just got back from Mexico?
A: That all depends. Did you leave the kids there?
Q: How long should I stay home if I get the flu?
A: Leave. Immediately, if not sooner. Separation from the whine will only strengthen your resolve.
Q: Why are so many schools closing?
A: Teachers can’t handle it either. Something about iPods banned by administration.
Q: Can pets get sick?
A: Absolutely. Pushed outdoors to pay for turning your daughter’s favorite doll into a chew toy, the dog will begin to show symptoms rapidly.
Q: Can flu spread on imported fruits and vegetables from Mexico?
A: If yours are the type to put up a fight over fruits and veggies, I’m afraid so. Tell them they’re magic trees and coat them in cheese, and symptoms will dissipate.
Q: Is it safe to fly? How about the subway?
A: Are you bringing the kids? What about Joe Biden?
Q: Do I need a mask in crowded areas?
A: If you’d rather folks don’t know you’re the parent of that wheedling, cajoling voice, then you might want to make the investment.
Q: Why hasn’t the U.S. closed the border with Mexico?
A: I don’t know. I couldn’t hear the TV over the demands for strawberry-flavored yogurt in a drinkable cup.
Q: I have a summer trip planned to a state with lots of cases. Should I cancel?
A: Funny thing, vacation seems to bring out the worst of this particular disease. Case in point: “are we theeeeeere yeeeeeeet?”
Any of these symptoms sounding awfully familiar?
Image: Parents
Source (of the questions): AP
Related Posts:
Is there a “Screaming Like a Banshee Over Nothing” Flu? Because both of mine are seriously infected.
OMG, my DS definitely has the Whine Flu and I think it has spread to my not so better half. LOL
Priceless!!!
There was no cure in our house over the weekend. We’re currently looking in to some sort of containment unit.
We are currently recovering from a strong bout of the Whine Flue.
My kid is definitely a carrier …