If You Had a Parenting Do-Over
I love “what if” questions – much to my husband’s chagrin. So I decided I wouldn’t discuss the recent Wall Street Journal piece about parenting do-overs with him. I’d just share it with all of you!
Aren’t you lucky? Oh, come on!
Rachel Emma Silverman over at The Juggle says she finds herself thinking “about all the things I
I wish I would have breastfed longer. My son couldn’t get a proper latch, so the nurse gave me a nipple sheild and I ended up only breastfeeding for about 4 months.
I wish I would have worried less about how tidy my house was, if dinner was ready, if ds was still breathing during nap time, etc. I wish I would have slept when ds slept. I worried so much about everything I barely slept which made my a VERY cranky person. And trying to keep my house up makes me feel now that I could have spent more time with him when he was a baby. I wish I would have breastfed for longer. I could go on and on. DS turned out fine, but I have a ton of regrets/things I would have changed.
I’m making that a rule next time too, Samantha – you aren’t coming through that door for more than a half hour unless you’re going to help, or if you’re going to watch the newborn so that I can catch a two hour nap.
My MIL “did” that, but woke me up every half hour to change his diaper. How exactly was THAT helpful?
I honestly would have tried harder to make breastfeeding work or set up a support system in advance. I stopped after a week because I was so tired and frustrated and beat down, and everyone told me to just stop trying. I really regretted it a few months later when I was more rested and in a better place emotionally.
I would have hired some help the first month to do laundry, cook and clean up and damn the expense. None of my or my husband’s family were willing. I wouldn’t have let family through the door for more than a half hour visit unless they were coming to help with some household chore, either.
Wish: I would have had better answers ready for those who told me I had to have another child. I have them now and spent two decades trying to find out what was wrong with having one child? What I’ve discovered about raising singletons and much more like When Does Mothering Become Smothering no matter how many chidren is available at the Pyschology Today blog website under “Singletons”.
Susan Newman, Author of Parenting an Only Child
Maureen, I read a ton about breastfeeding (and took a class) and still had a horrible time at it. It took me about 3 months to feel halfway comfortable. I really think breastfeeding has more to do with the baby. (My friend had a super easy time with her first, but then a terrible time with her second, because he just did not latch on, and both were natural births.)
So I wish I had read nothing. Especially nothing on the internet. There is so much misinformation that seems to be there only to drive a new parent crazy.
Ditto, Giant Panda, but may I add “questioning our every parenting decision and declaring breastfeeding to be disgusting and gross” and wondering just when I was going to feed her grandchild “real” food (aka formula or rice cereal) to the list?
Maureen- you took the words right out of my mouth. If I had it to do again I would spend less time trusting “them” and more time trusting me. I thought I was being a good parent by reading everything I could get my hands on, but I think I was just teaching myself not to trust my instincts. So many of the “experts” completely contradict one another and I spent hours agonizing over making the RIGHT decision. Turns out, there is no right decision. There are a thousand possibilities and in the end it seems to be more about trying my best, loving my kid unconditionally, and crossing my fingers.
Also, I NEVER would have let my parents stay with us in the first week. Recovering from a c-section, trying to learn to breast feed, getting to know this brand new little person, and teaching my partner (who had never held a baby) how to diaper, bathe, burp, etc. a baby was more than enough. I did not need to play hostess, too!
I would sleep train my baby beginning at 6 months. I was totally afraid of sleep training my baby, thinking that the crying would elevate her cortisol levels, teach her learned helplessness, or cause her to feel abandoned. Now I look at toddlers who were sleep-trained and see that they are completely happy and fine, fall asleep on their own, and remain in their bed. My almost two-year old still needs an hour of nursing to fall asleep and usually ends up in our bed by 2am. Next one I am definitely sleep training.
I would not jeopordize my mental health in the pursuit of the perfect latch. Breastfeeding was and is a priority for me, but I got really nutty in the first two weeks and spent most of the time crying because my daughter’s latch was apparently “wrong” and my nipples were bleeding and raw. My nerves were also raw, and by the time nursing got easier I was practially feral.
There are so many things I would do over — and things I did get to do over with my 2nd. The poor first child is like a guinea pig.
I would never have picked up a newborn parenting handbook except a breastfeeding one. I totally overloaded on information and didn’t trust my own judgment. Except, I didn’t read enough about breastfeeding, so with my first it was so stupidly hard. With #2, I threw out all the parenting books I had acquired and bought a good breastfeeding book. With the second, breastfeeding was easy and I was much more relaxed about everything. I also didn’t have ppd with #2 like I did with #1.
I still lie awake at night and wonder if I damaged my firstborn with being so unsure of my parenting skills.
DEFINITELY no in-laws for me either. Sorry MIL, I know you meant well, but you nearly pushed me into postnatal depression with your relentless “advice” from 30 years ago and cultural superstitions that were alien to me (I will never eat chicken soup again – I don’t care if it makes my milk “richer”). No matter how many mistakes I made, they were mine to make, and he has survived and thrived.
elohveeee12, I can only tell you about my experiences, but I just had my second child 7 weeks ago; my oldest is 2.5. It has been SO MUCH EASIER than I expected it to be with two. Now, I have some good day care for my toddler, so it’s not just me, and it would likely be so much harder if I didn’t. But I have found that I am so much more confident with #2, and that lets me relax and enjoy my family. I don’t do the obssessive checking up thing that the others mentioned above (that I did with #1); I am more confident nursing her; and I’m much less concerned about dropping or otherwise injuring her. I sleep better when she’s asleep, I’m more relaxed when she cries, etc. It has been so much better than I could have ever hoped.
Your mileage may (and likely will) vary, of course, but I wanted to put it out there that having #2 with a toddler doesn’t have to be horrible and hard.
I would have taught her to sign from the beginning. I was warned by a speech pathologist friend that teaching babies sign language can slow down speech, but considering how profoundly speech-delayed she turned out to be I wish I’d have given her the tools to communicate with us sooner. The next kid is learning baby signs from the start.
enjoy them more when they are too little to do anything. I remember being at a family get together, I was sitting with my cousin (who had a daughter the same age as my then 10 month old) and we were watching two of my other cousins who had infants (both younger than 4 months). I laughed as checked them over and over again as they slept in their strollers. And I commented that I wished my daughter was that old again, as I chased her across the muddy lawn for the 3rd time, I longed for the days when she slept the day away while I did whatever.
I also remember my cousin saying how she remembered putting her daughter in her bouncy seat when she was only a few weeks old, and checking on her dozens of times (making sure the straps were right, was that a burp?, is she still breathing?) when really she was perfectly fine.
I am pregnant with number two, and I am excited to do the infant stage over again, with more experience, but I am terrified because I know this wont be like the last time. This time I will have to worry about taking care of an infant and a toddler.
I think I would have made the oldest kid do more chores. I’ve pretty much done everything for him and now that he’s almost 20, he’s expecting those things done for him all the time. I would have lowered my expectations and let him try.
Amen to letting go of pre-treating all those onsies! What was I thinking? I have twins and they went through at least 3 outfits each per day as newborns. Next time I think my baby will live in just a diaper.
The not having in laws stay at the house during the first week comment was my #1 parenting do over. In my case it was my mother. I love her dearly but it was too much. I also was very afraid to drop my babe. So that also applies to my do overs. I guess it all is a gigantic learning experience.
Just watch my daughter sleep/eat/play. I had serious postpartum depression and didn’t truly look at my daughter until she was almost 3 months old. I really regret that and hope that next time around will go much better.