I’m Not a Brat, I’m Autistic
My 10-year-old nephew is autistic. Not in a “quirky,” “neurodiverse” kind of way, but in a typical, sometimes agressive kind of way. When our families go out together, as we often do, I like to pretend that people are looking at us because of the eight adorable children trailing us, but I know what they’re really looking at is Jonah: Jonah biting his hand in agitation, hitting his head in anger, or just spinning, spinning, spinning in complete and utter joy. At those times, it’s fairly obvious that Jonah is autistic.
But sometimes it isn’t so obvious. That’s why I could relate to the essay, “A Tale of Two Mothers” by “Mary P. Jones” (a pseudonym) in The New York Times Motherlode column. She writes about a typical excursion to the grocery store with her autistic son, told through the eyes of another shopper, then told through her own eyes. When her son gets agitated because the line is so long, the other shopper sees a poorly behaved boy and his overindulgent mother. When her son gets upset because the cashier botches the transaction and the boy cannot enter his mother’s PIN number as he had planned, the shopper sees a boy who needs limits.
I am always impressed by my sister’s poise on these outings; she never seems upset, never apologizes for Jonah. I think that’s part of the reason Mary P. Jones’ fellow shoppers look at her and her son so askance–because Mary herself stays so calm and collected, never criticizing her son for behaviors she knows he can’t control.
I was once out with my sister and we saw a teenaged boy wearing a shirt that said something to the effect of, “I’m autistic.” I asked my sister if she ever considered having Jonah wear a similar shirt. She grimaced, and told me Jonah’s condition was enough of a stigma, she didn’t need to draw attention to it. I commented on how the shirt might make it easier to explain when Jonah had a bad behavior in public. She shrugged. I suppose parents of autistic kids just don’t have the time to worry about what other people think, they’re too focused on getting their children through the day.
Last year my sister took her family to an amusement park. Because of Jonah’s disability, he gets a handicap pass so he doesn’t have to wait in line. On one ride, as the family skipped the line and boarded immediately, a young man smirked and said, “How do I get a pass like that?” My sister, composed as ever, turned to him and said, “You have an autistic kid. But trust me, it’s not worth it.”
A shirt like that would come in very handy sometimes for my brother. I would think that a teenage boy who can’t talk and likes to flap his hands at random intervals would appear to be CLEARLY disabled, but you’d be surprised how often he gets a dirty look from some people when we go places with him. And it’s not like he’s not well-behaved; he’s mostly quiet except for a short outburst here and there, he keeps his hands to himself, and he waits in line for amusement park rides better than a lot of adults. I would love to get him a shirt that says, “I’m autistic, but you’re retarded”, but that may be pushing the bounds of good taste.
This article has stuck with me for a whole day now. I have thought about it alot. I am blessed to have 4 very healthy and mentally capable children so I really had to think this through.
At first I thought it was a cute idea and might make someone understand a child’s behavior. Then I thought, why is it a stranger’s business why a child acts how they do?
My daughter has bad reactions to mosquito bites and one had bit her on the eyelid. When she woke up her eye was swollen shut. We were concerned as we didn’t know that it was a bite. We took her into the doctor and then to Walmart to get a treat for having been so good for the doctor. While in Walmart, we got very bad looks and some rather rude questioning. What happened to her? Is she okay? Will her eye stay like that? It was terrible. I wanted to hide her under a blanket so people would leave her alone and quit staring.
That is as close as I have come to an experience where I felt I needed to explain my child more then the obvious “she needs a nap.” I can’t even began to fathom going out everyday to that kind of a reaction. It actually makes my stomach sick just thinking of how it must feel.
I don’t think I would stamp a label on my kid to explain anything. People need to mind their own business and tend to their own children. Not worry about someone else’s.
OMG Sheri, you deserve a medal for not slugging her in the face. I’m not sure she would have been so lucky had it been me.
I used to have an awful time with my oldest (he’s 19 now), and most people didn’t know about or understand autism. I doubt I would have used the shirt pictured. I like the idea about the funny shirt. We did actually have a problem at Disney with someone who didn’t like us getting the line jumping pass. It was the only time I ever even tried defend my son’s behavior to anyone. Some stupid woman mentioned that we were cutting, I told her we weren’t. Our son was autistic and had a special pass. She then wished that her kids were autistic (yeah, there’s a brain trust there), so I told her I’d switch. After I traded my son’s brain with her daughter’s brain….and went on about the chances that my son won’t marry, or have children, or attend college, and asked her if all of those things were worth saving an hour standing in line for a ride at Disney. She shut up.
Your sister sounds like an incredible mother and person. Having a special needs child who draws a lot of attention is very hard, I know first hand. But I also dont give a flip what people think. I would never let my daughter wear a shirt labeling her. It is not anyone’s business why she is behaving as she does and I dont care what people think about me. I am not here to please anyone. If you tell strangers or make excuses for your child you are trying to get approval, which in my opinion, is a big problem many women already have. The stares and comments of strangers mean nothing to me. They should mind their own business.
I would never put my little girl in a shirt like that. It’s dehumanizing and would attract unwanted attention. I know parents who carry business cards stating “my child is autistic” and hand those out to obnoxious jerks who have the gall to give them the “you’re a terrible parent” stare; that strikes me as being a lot more respectful to the child.
There’s also the issue of expectations and how parental expectations influence behavior, even in autistic children. It’s like putting a “I’m not a brat, I’m three years old” t-shirt on a preschooler.
I saw a boy wearing a similar shirt at the store. It said something like “Autism Rocks. And spins and flaps and jumps.” I thought the shirt was a great idea because it was funny and it gave the kid a pass for his behavior. I don’t have an autistic child and if I did I don’t know that I’d want to draw extra attention, but I just wanted to give my opinion as an “outsider.”
I totally agree. I would not have our autistic daughter wear a t-shirt like that. It is none of anyone else’s business. Plus, they see the behavior/interaction for 2 minutes, we have to deal with it 24/7 for the rest of our lives.
In general, we as parents need to have your sister’s attitude – when people butt their nose where it doesn’t belong, let it roll off your back. They don’t know your situation.
And the mommy police just need to back off!