In Praise of the "Manny"
After Amy Kuras posted this piece about Boy Scouts getting training to be baby sitters, I was surprised to see some of the comments assuming that male caregivers are de facto abuse risks to children. Not only do I think this is a woefully discriminatory way of viewing half the human population, I think there might even be some benefits to male caregivers that female caregivers don’t offer. I propose that it can even be dangerous to exclude boys and men as boys and men from childcare and that using them as caregivers can even help prevent abuse.
First let me address the discrimination aspect. I am sure that many Strollerderby readers have fathers, husbands, brothers and perhaps old-enough-to-baby-sit sons who aren’t abusers and could never be abusers. Of course they do. So I have to scratch my head at the knee-jerk fear some women express about the idea of a male baby sitter. To categorically dismiss all boys and men as potential abusers doesn’t make sense. Yes, statistically, most abusers are “heterosexual” men, but statistically, most abusers are also related to the children they abuse. In fact, some statistics show that one third of sexual molestation is perpetrated by a parent. But I bet most moms don’t refuse to allow their children’s fathers to be alone with their children because of the statistical probability that they will be abusers. It would be ridiculous to use statistics that way, right? Relying on statistical percentages rather than actual knowledge of an individual baby sitter applicant would be similarly foolish.
I think categorically mistrusting male caregivers and categorically trusting female ones is in itself dangerous. Why? Because a false sense of security about a caregiver not being a molester because she’s female could cause a parent to let down her guard about other possible dangers. First of all, there is that 1-10% of sexual abuse (depending on the study you look at) perpetrated by girls and women. Then there are the other dangers to children besides sexual abuse that are more evenly split between male and female caregivers. A frustrated caregiver of either gender might well shake a colicky baby, for example. It’s important to consider many factors in selecting childcare. Assuming a man is an unsafe choice is a blunt selection method and doesn’t seem to indicate the kind of thought that really needs to go into the decision.
I have used two men to provide a significant amount of care for my children. And their legal guardians in the case of their parents’ deaths are their godfathers. One of my caregivers worked half-time on a regular schedule for my family for two years during one of which, he lived with us. He could not have done a better job. The single father of a grown daughter he had raised since his ex-wife left them both when the baby was under two, “Uncle” David was my older daughter’s third parent from the moment she arrived in our home at three days old.
We currently employ a young man to care for our now four-year old and 18-month old daughters slightly less than half-time. He too is beloved by both of my children and plans to work for us throughout the next year or two while he attends a local community college. I am trying to encourage him to go into early childhood education. He would be a gifted preschool or elementary teacher. My only concern for him is the discrimination against men in that field.
My daughters have lesbian moms. They also each have a birth mother, as they are both adopted. Neither of them have men in their lives that meet our family’s definition (or their birth mothers’ definitions) of “father.” Given the statistics, my girls are likely to grow up to be heterosexual women. When they go looking for men with whom to partner, I want them to have a clear sense that men not only can, but should be nurturing, loving and caring. I want them to have a strong expectation of nothing less. And if they happen across men who offer them less, I want them to recognize that quickly and move on. Giving them male caregivers during their tender years is the best way I can think of to imprint these expectations in their psyches.
But it isn’t just faraway romantic benefits I hope male caregivers give my daughters. It’s also prevention of abuse in the present. With a concrete example of the proper boundaries of a loving male baby sitter (or uncle, or grandfather, or godfather–which my daughters also have), my girls might better be able to recognize a breach of those boundaries by a would-be abuser encountered in some other area of their lives. In these early years, I am almost always able to have intimate knowledge of the people into whose care I place my children. As they grow older and go into situations in which I have less opportunity to know the adults in their orbit, I want them to have their own strong sense of what is appropriate and what isn’t. Male caregivers help them develop that sense.
I can understand that parents with their own abuse histories by boys or men might very well decide they simply can’t handle placing their own children in male care. But for those without any immediate knowledge of abuse, I don’t think having heard a story or having had an acquaintance or having read something about a male caregiver abusing a child is a good reason to exclude male caregivers from their children’s lives. To do so is to possibly deny your children a wonderful relationship with a beloved sitter. It’s also to deny boys and men the opportunity to get hands-on experience caring for young children before they become fathers themselves. And isn’t more hands-on fathering what so many moms wish for?
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Image: my older daughter with her first manny
Thanks for sharing your experience, rrr. I think the fears you mention keep guys who love children and would be great baby sitters from pursuing the job. It’s a shame and it’s good to know some are brave enough to break out of the vicious cycle.
As more dads start staying home as primary caregivers and more gay male couples raise children, I hope the stereotypes will start to fade.
As a male babysitter, I’d like to say thanks to all of you who are speaking out against the idea that any man who wants to take care of children is a creep. I feel like I have to restrain myself often when it comes to interacting with kids in public. Especially when I see a little one without an adult who looks lost. Do I try to help them or will their mother come around the corner just after I’ve started talking to them and look at me like I’m trying to kidnap her baby?
I’m not trying to make Alice (and those who share her opinion) feel bad — parents ought to use their own best judgment when it comes to their kids’ safety and I wouldn’t want to babysit for them anyway! When I babysit, I have to make a decision about the parents and my own safety. Are they reasonable people, or is it possible they could accuse me of something that didn’t happen because I took their 2yo girl to the bathroom and then she tells them that ‘I took her pants off’?
I love kids, I’m good with kids, and I want to be a father someday. I appreciate the parents who hire me to babysit, who give me a chance to practice my child-rearing skills. Thanks!
My best babysitter as a kid (really the only one I remember) was a teenage boy from around the block. He was fun and energetic and taught us to love Star Search. I wholeheartedly agree that men and boys can be great childcare providers.
We have a live-in manny in the form of my 23-year-old nephew. He doesn’t care for the kids full-time because of his school schedule, but he provides invaluable childcare to us in the evenings and on weekends. He is so good with our kids–not just entertaining them, but he’s such a warm, loving presence in their lives–that we’ve opted to name him guardian in our wills. The idea that we should keep a closer eye on him because he’s my nephew and not my niece just seems silly to me.
Now Shannon, don’t lump all of us heteros together
Wow, Robyn. I can’t say policies like that give me much faith in heterosexuality if women feel that way about the men they married, who fathered their children!
Robyn, that’s awful!
Our local MOMS Club banned Dads from events claiming, “Men are more likely to be molesters” and “I have to protect my daughter”. The ban extended to the Dads’ houses. As in, if playgroup were at my house, my husband couldn’t be there. Although the moms couldn’t stop dads from coming to events at public places, such as parks, they did say that the dads weren’t allowed to play with the children.
I quit.
Oh – and I’m a mom through domestic transracial adoption too.
I just met a male nanny at the grocery store a few days ago. He was there with a little girl about the same age as mine, so I stopped and chatted with him for a few minutes while our girls eyed each other warily. He told me that he wasn’t the father but the nanny, and I’m sorry to admit that my eyes must have just about bugged out of my head. He was very gracious and told me that it’s not easy scoring work as a male nanny, but this particular family (two lesbians) wanted a male influence for their little girl, so he got the job and was absolutely loving it.
The little girl seemed crazy about him. I was certain he was the father until he told me otherwise.
Many of us *do* have positive male role models readily available, in the form of their father, so it doesn’t have to enter our thought process much if at all.
At the end of the day, we have to parent in the way that makes us comfortable with how our children are being cared for. If that means I hire only girls and women to care for my children, then that’s what I need to do. If for others, that means they hire someone they trust no matter the gender, then that is what they need to do.
I was disturbed by some of the comments made in response to the Boy Scout piece, so I’m relieved and happy to read this. Thanks Shannon.
Pollyanna Sunshine – you and I have a lot in common!
I think it comes down to who you trust. In our household, we just have a lot of trustworthy male family and friends that love spending time with our little one. I hate that stereotype about males possibly being child molesters. It reminds me of the time when people thought it was okay to label all men as possible rapists. These antiquated ideas can be very harmful if people use them to judge male gay parents and their right to adopt.
My son’s daycare has 3 male teachers (about 25% of the staff, including 2 of the 4 head teachers), and they are all amazing, well-trained, incredibly trustworthy and caring professionals. Two of them have also babysat for my son at home as well.
I also use a friend’s son (now 13, started when he was 11) as a mother’s helper (basically a babysitter for when I’m working at home–I’ll only use adult babysitters when I’m gone), and my 13 year old cousin is a terrific babysitter at family gatherings, and they’re both better than the neighbor girl I sometimes use, just because they love kids and are good with them.
I don’t know that I see that much of a gender difference between the styles of the male and female caregivers–they all have different personalities as individuals. But I like knowing that my son is growing up with role models of nurturing adults of both sexes, beyond just his parents.
I agree completely and love this thoughful post, but most of all I love the picture. My word, how did you not bite that child on a regular basis? Just a nibble here and there throughout the day….
Alice, most child molesters are family members. Does that mean you would never leave your child with a family member?
Wonderful post and beautiful picture. I was surprised at the number of people who responded offensivly to the last post about men being babysitters. Well put response above as well. My half sister (who is 25 years younger than me) has often been watched over by longtime male friends of her parents. It’s wonderful for her to have these men in her life. They are like surragate uncles to her, often taking her to museums, and for bike rides, and out to dinner. I would hate to think that she would have missed out on these amazing relationships because her parents did not trust them for the sole reason of their gender. I would never cut a wonderful person out of my child’s life based on their color, religon, sexuality or gender.
“99% of child molesters are men” but that doesn’t mean 99% of men are child molesters.
Great post! I was too frustrated/annoyed at the comments on the other thread to post something coherent enough to get my point across. Thank you.
I’d also like to point out, there are differences in the ways men and women interact with children, which is also an important part of their development. I am going to be a little gender-stereotypical now (and I know this doesn’t apply to ALL men and ALL women), but in general, men tend to play (and even handle) children more aggressively, while women tend to be more comforting. Ie. My sister’s boyfriend will come over to play with the kids. He’ll (appropriately) rough house with the kids, and then grab a soccer ball or a skateboard or whatever and get them all wild and crazy. My sister, otoh, will lovingly cuddle the children and then suggest activities like baking cookies or coloring.
Alice, even if that statistic were true, it does not follow that 99% of men are child molesters.
And I didn’t suggest that anyone put their child in the care of “some stranger.” Is that what you do?
And what’s this about your kids “meaning too much” to you? So those of us who use male caregivers don’t care about our kids as much as you? That’s really offensive.
Sory, 99% of child molesters are men. I wont put my kids at risk to make some stranger feel less discriminated against. My kids mean too much to me.
Great point, Em. You’re right–it isn’t on my list because I have girls, but I do hope the boys they may someday fall in love with have had those kinds of male role models.
Wonderful. Thank you. I posted a comment in response to the first blog, and you covered some of my same thoughts here.
Something that you didn’t mention (I imagine because you have daughters!) is the positive effect a male caregiver could have on boys. When thinking about a caregiver for my son, I would love to find a guy. Boys need as many positive role models as possible, and they need to be shown that it is okay for a man to care for children. Since they won’t find that in schools, I would love to be able to show it to them at home.
well written! I couldn’t agree more.