Sometimes I read a news story and feel like I'm actually reading The Onion. Does that ever happen to you?
For example: this report from Japan that finds a link between middle school students and teen sex. Basically, middle schoolers who do not partake of the most important meal of the day are more likely to get a head start on making the out-of-wedlock beast with two backs. (That's an unnecessarily silly way of saying "having sex.")
What exactly inspires a study like this one? Were researchers conducting interviews with sexually active middle schoolers in the morning hours and thought that they looked a little hungry? Not exactly. The survey isn't talking about sexually active middle schoolers. That would be creepy. It specifically found that the "average age of first-time sex for those who said they ate breakfast every day as a middle school student was 19.4, while for those who skipped breakfast, the average age was 17.5."
It gets better. I'm going to quote this line because it may be one of the greatest sentences in the history of journalism: "The average age of first-time sex was lower for those who found their mother annoying." (See what I mean? Doesn't that sound like it should have been in The Onion?) Those who "said they disliked their mother" starting gettin' it on at the age of 16, on average. Folks who "appreciated their mother" didn't lose their virginity until the ripe old age of 19.
No word on whether or not girls with "daddy issues" were slutty, or whether or not sibling rivalries were the main cause of homosexuality. (I'm kidding, of course. But if that's the next survey this association conducts, I won't be all that shocked.)
Kunio Kitamura, executive director of the Japan Family Planning Association, conducted the survey. The quotes attributed to Kitamura are hopefully the result of a poor translation from Japanese: "The fact that people can't eat breakfast may show something about their family environment. Before blaming individuals for having sex at an early age, it may be necessary to look into the sort of homes they are from." In other words, it's not your kids' fault they're having sex. It's because the muffins were stale that morning. Oh, and you're a crummy parent. And your kids don't respect you as a mother. Or all of the above.
Hey, here's an idea. How about studying the TYPE of breakfast consumed? That is, are middle schoolers who consume mostly oatmeal in the morning more or less likely to engage in sexual activity before they turn 18 than children who eat pancakes? And what about if they have bacon with their pancakes? And why stop at breakfast? What about lunch? Does french fry consumption increase or decrease the likelihood of future sexual activity?
So if you don't want your kids to start having sex too young, make sure they eat breakfast. In middle school.
Ah, science. We have come so far. And yet, not so far at all.
Source: Reuters
Image: tamarackwv.com
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