Ten Songs You Never Want to Hear A Little Kid Singing
They’re usually tuneless and missing half the words, but most kids haven’t learned to limit the singing to the shower and the car. They’ll sing anywhere, chances are they’ll sing anything, and you’ll never turn as red as the time your three-year-old asks in sing-song, “Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?”
So to save you from finding out how maroon those cheeks will go, we offer up the top 10 songs your kids shouldn’t be singing:
“Don’t Cha” by the Pussycat Dolls: If his girlfriend looked like that, he’d get arrested.
“I Kissed a Girl” by Katy Perry: The taste of her cherry ChapStick’s just plain yucky. Tell ‘em to stick to Bonne Bell. (Check out Urlesque’s collection of pubescent YouTubers taking on some girl love).
“Fat Bottom Girls” by Queen: Sure they make the rockin’ world go ’round, but Mommy’s got one of those bottoms and she’s no naughty nanny. At least not while the kids are still awake.
“I Want Candy” by Strangelove (originally), Bow Wow Wow, Aaron Carter, etc.: Trust me, they’ll get a toothache if they try to rip open this package.
“Baby Got Back” by Sir Mixalot: Oh my Gawd, Becky, your kid’s got booty on the brain. Just hope he doesn’t get sprung.
“Milkshake” by Kelis: The sweet treat goes sour fast when a kindergartner’s calling all the boys to her yard and telling them she’ll have to charge. News flash: they’ll learn soon enough that there’s no need to buy the cow when that milk flows for free.
“Paradise by the Dashboard Lights” by Meatloaf: The wedding DJ hits a button, and suddenly the ringbearer’s running to the dance floor to sing the baseball song. We’re betting he won’t see this home plate for a good ten years.
“I Wanna Be Sedated” by the Ramones: The catchiest song . . . EVER . . . hurry, hurry, hurry, clamp a hand over their mouths, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. . . sometimes we wanna put our kids on drugs . . . ba-ba-bamp-ba-ba . . .
“You Shook Me All Night Long” by AC/DC: She was a fast machine, she kept her motor clean, but she’s got nothing on Matchbox. Start explaining that and their minds will be aching, so let’s just agree to keep this one under wraps. Shake on it?
“U + Ur Hand” by Pink: The ultimate F-off song (or should we say jack off?) isn’t the ultimate in kid entertainment . . . yet. Those hands will get hairy soon enough.
Image: Improventures
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I’m pretty sure the first song I ever sang was “I Drink Alone” and this was at age 4
My friend’s three year old likes to walk around singing Beck’s Loser.
“I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?”
I had a friend who paraded her daughter out to dance to “My Humps” She was 4 and stared us all in the eyes….it was icky
my daughter has sang a couple of those songs and i did shutter but not more
than when she comes home from her friends house singing hanna montana…
that is vomit inducing…
My mom says I used to sing “Afternoon Delight” in the cart at the grocery store.
My 2.5 year old sings along to “So What (Pink)” and “Shake It (Metrostation)” – luckily, she just seems to know the choruses. Of course, I was the kid who went to kindergarten singing Billy Joel’s “Only the Good Die Young” and “You May Be Right”…
When I was a nanny, I brought my five year old charge, Laurie, home one day. As her dad opened the door to let us in, she looked up at him and sang: “Every little thing she does is magic! Everything she do just turns me on!” Fortunately, he laughed.
My sister’s name is Amelia, and my parents reworked the words to Simon and Garfunkel’s Cecelia to include her name and be more kid friendly. Then we teased her constantly once we figured out what the real words were. Not quite the same as my six year old neice belting out A-Kon’s I Want to F*** You, but still funny.
I remember being very horrified a few years ago when my co-worker’s ringtone was her 4 year old singing “Don’t Cha.” I got my liberal panties all in a twist until I remembered the favorite family stories of me belting out “Like a Virgin” and “Let’s Get Physical” in my car seat to my parents’ great embarrassment.
When I was 6 or 7, I would run around singing “Like a Virgin.” Like others have said – My poor mother…
#11: “Closer” by Nine Inch Nails. heh.
I remember singing along to a song from the Dirty Dancing soundtrack while playing badminton when I was about ten, and the chorus was, “Yes! We’re gonna make love!” and the little neighbor boy asked me if I actually knew what I was singing and suddenly I realized what I was singing and everything was suddenly very bad.
I also had no idea, when asked by my dad at age 5, that when Mark Knopfler sang about “money for nothing and chicks for free” that he didn’t mean baby chickens.
Akon had a #1 hit a year or two ago with “I Want to F**k You”. No lie, that was the title. “I see you winding and grinding up on that pole…” Nice. (The radio version was “I Want to Love You”)
That said, hearing a 3 year old sing “Aretha Franklin got a big ol’ butt! Oh yeah!” was quite amusing. (LL Cool J song, “Big Ol’ Butt”)
I have to laugh becuase my 3 year old daughter loves singing I kissed a girl all the time. To make matters worse I live in the very conservative state of SC. I could care less but you should see the looks I get from some people out in public.
I remember singing Madonna’s “Papa Don’t Preach” when I was a kid, and having no idea what the lyrics meant. I’m sure it embarrassed my mom to have her 10 year old singing about keeping her baby!
Even worse was my twin brother walking around singing Michael Jackson’s “Billie Jean.” The 7 year old singing about how the kid is not his son had to have been hilarious.
“Don’t Cha” was at the height of radio play when the baby was tiny…and my husband and I would dance her around with our own lyrics…”don’t cha wish your baby was cute like me?”
When I was a camp counselor in high school, I had a five-year-old girl whose favorite song was Meredith Brooks’ “Bitch.” She would sing it really loud and put her hand over her mouth whenever a bad word came along.