They’re usually tuneless and missing half the words, but most kids haven’t learned to limit the singing to the shower and the car. They’ll sing anywhere, chances are they’ll sing anything, and you’ll never turn as red as the time your three-year-old asks in sing-song, “Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?”
So to save you from finding out how maroon those cheeks will go, we offer up the top 10 songs your kids shouldn’t be singing:
“Don’t Cha” by the Pussycat Dolls: If his girlfriend looked like that, he’d get arrested.
“Fat Bottom Girls” by Queen: Sure they make the rockin’ world go ’round, but Mommy’s got one of those bottoms and she’s no naughty nanny. At least not while the kids are still awake.
“I Want Candy” by Strangelove (originally), Bow Wow Wow, Aaron Carter, etc.: Trust me, they’ll get a toothache if they try to rip open this package.
“Baby Got Back” by Sir Mixalot: Oh my Gawd, Becky, your kid’s got booty on the brain. Just hope he doesn’t get sprung.
“Milkshake” by Kelis: The sweet treat goes sour fast when a kindergartner’s calling all the boys to her yard and telling them she’ll have to charge. News flash: they’ll learn soon enough that there’s no need to buy the cow when that milk flows for free.
“Paradise by the Dashboard Lights” by Meatloaf: The wedding DJ hits a button, and suddenly the ringbearer’s running to the dance floor to sing the baseball song. We’re betting he won’t see this home plate for a good ten years.
“I Wanna Be Sedated” by the Ramones: The catchiest song . . . EVER . . . hurry, hurry, hurry, clamp a hand over their mouths, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. . . sometimes we wanna put our kids on drugs . . . ba-ba-bamp-ba-ba . . .
“You Shook Me All Night Long” by AC/DC: She was a fast machine, she kept her motor clean, but she’s got nothing on Matchbox. Start explaining that and their minds will be aching, so let’s just agree to keep this one under wraps. Shake on it?
“U + Ur Hand” by Pink: The ultimate F-off song (or should we say jack off?) isn’t the ultimate in kid entertainment . . . yet. Those hands will get hairy soon enough.