Some women will tell you pregnancy was the best time of their lives. I'm not one of them, but hey, good for those skin glowing, energy flowing, cankle-free ladies. I still have one very big thing in common with most of them - I wanted to know all I could about the next step.
So I did what any good '80s kid would. I went to today's version of the video store and started checking out movies. To save you the sobbing and more than you'll ever want to know about urinary incontinence during pregnancy, here are the movies you SHOULDN'T be renting in your condition:
1. Nine Months: Going on name alone, you'd think this Hugh Grant, Julianne Moore '90s flick was a perfect choice for at-home date night when baby's daddy and your cankles propped on the coffee table. After Pugh Hugh starts showing his pregnant girlfriend he's nothing more than a commitmentphobic prat, you'll start glancing first at your fat feet and then at him, second-guessing ever iota of every conversation since you jumped up and down and yelled "it's blue!" When he sees her turning into a praying mantis (because females are known to eat the male after sex), you'll just get indignant. As the same old story you've seen in every movie continues, you'll start yawning, and by the time Moore's screaming and pushing, you'll be asleep. Get it while you can.
2. Sophie's Choice: I've got to hand it Meryl Streep. If she's not wailing about the dingo eating her baby, she's rising above her own happiness to repent for making the most horrible of choices a mother has ever made. It's a movie everyone should see simply to understand yet another piece of the Holocaust, but not one I'd wish one anyone. It's the choice you must make yourself.
3. Problem Child: The be all and end all movie to make you wonder, can one little kid really make life that insane? Macauley Culkin at his home aloniest (oh come on, what would you call it?) could never wreak the kind of havoc Junior Healy enacts on the ever affable John Ritter (still miss that guy) and his brow-beating b***h of a wife Flo. You know it's fake, you know it's played up, but a little part of your brain starts to wonder, what if I give birth to one of those?
4. Steel Magnolias: Plucky Julia Roberts defies the odds (and Sally Field, and her doctors, and diabetes, and a whole bunch of wise-cracking Southern broads) and has a baby. Plucky Julia Roberts' body can't handle parenting. She collapses on Halloween with her little boy watching. Cue tears. Buckets and buckets of tears. And that's when you're not carrying a baby and a rolling mess of hormones. If you must attempt this one, find a friend who doesn't have anything nice to say about anyone and tell her to come sit by you.
5. Terms of Endearment: Didn't I already mention dead mother and buckets of tears? Then throw in a love-hate relationship between a mother and daughter (mirrored famously by the actresses who played the roles) that will make you cross your fingers there ISN'T a girl in there, a mother-daughter reunion, a mother finding love again . . . aaaack. I'm all ferklempt.
Image: Amazon
Related Posts:
They Say: Depression Can Lead to Premature Birth
Furniture Industry Won't Suffer as Long As We Keep Making Babies
More Stuff Parents Dream About: Being Alone in the Bathroom
Equally Shouldering the Parenting Duties - Literally
Saggy Mom Boobs Get a Lift! Carry It Off with the Cleavage Caddy
Mob Mol Who Smuggled Sperm Says Prison System Hates Her Child for Being Born
