Let’s face it; if you were to put secret surveillance on them 24/7, any parent would look like a putz. There are things that we do with our kids, when others aren’t about or are out of ear shot, that we maybe feel bad about. But not bad enough to stop doing.
#10: Laughing when your daughter farts.
#9: In a moment of weakness, grousing about one child to the other.
Your Four-year-old: Why does Dalton (the toddler) get to stay up?
You: Because he’s crazy and I’m tired of fighting him. He’s being a butthead.
YFYO: Yeah, he’s got a stinky head.
#8: When they get way too many Easter baskets from relatives, hiding one and keeping the candy contents to yourself.
#7: Making your spouse the bad guy. “Mommy wouldn’t like it if she saw what you’re doing.”
#6: Keeping your kid downstairs on a perpetual loop of Sesame Street because you want a beer/glass of wine.
#5: Forget to brush their teeth.
#4: The next night encouraging them to brush by telling them their breath smells like “dog food.”
#3: Let your kid, freshly bathed and wet, prance around the house naked playing her favorite character “Jungle Girl” for way longer than perhaps appropriate.
#2: Not being as diligent as you think you should about your own nudity around the kids.
#1: When you don’t have time to go to the park, telling them the “park is closed.”
What are your dirty parenting secrets?
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About Cole Gamble
Cole Gamble’s writings on the crimes of Willy Wonka, man-eating beds and tales from his cringe-worthy life appear here on Babble, the humor site Cracked, The Daily Beast, The Huffington Post and Salon. He is working on a book entitled, Conquer Everything! A Self Help Book to Destroy All Other Self Help Books and Grant You Mastery in Everything.
