Just tell me the truth and you won't get in trouble
Hoo boy, that's rich.
Daddy will protect you from the monsters
Hell no, I don’t stand a chance against monsters. Luckily, monsters tend to do their own thing, they go about their business. But if one ever showed up, that would be a problem. I like to think I am reasonably able to defend my family. If a deranged Jack Russell Terrier shows up to harm my family, I will wrestle that thing to the ground. (Note: I have no evidence to back this claim up) but if a monster showed up, we'd all be screwed. Game over. I mean, it's a monster after all.
Do this or you're not going to get “your birthday/Christmas/family vacation”
Oh, how we like to hold holidays over our child's head when they don't want to clean their room or stop stealing car stereos. Children figure out pretty quickly that there are thing a parent can't cancel. Soon enough they understand the concept of a “non-refundable airfare ticket.” They also realize that a parent who actually cancels Christmas gets a kid who tells their classmates that their mommy and daddy killed Santa Claus. The sooner you start making empty threats the sooner they realize you got nothing but empty threats.
When you grow up you'll have a house of your own
In this housing market? Please. Sorry to say, but the promise of manifest destiny and the big yard with the picket fence is on the endangered list. It will be condo or duplex life for your little peeps when they're grown. A house will be something they read about in books. If books still exist by that time, which they won't.
People like it when you play nice
The world rewards specifically those who don't play nice. We have an entire economic system based around this fact. It's called capitalism and it asserts that by serving one's own self-interest first, you serve your fellow citizen. That's how oil companies “serve” us by charging $4.00 a gallon while reporting record profits. Ask Barry Bonds, Bill Belichick or Donald Trump to rhapsodize on the merits of playing nice. A kid who grows up into an adult who plays nice is a benefit to the world, but it won't get him a 10-year contract with signing bonus or an 80 story building bearing their name. It is nice to dream, though.
Beer is yucky
Kids love apple juice and often mistake that lager you’re holding for the sweet nectar. Let's not get into the particulars of why you are drinking around your child; the point is baby wants some of that juice in the pilsner glass. “No,” you say, “that's beer,” but still they persist. “I want to try beer.” So you are forced to decree the following statement, “beer is yucky.” Beer is not yucky, it is delicious. My dad used to tell me beer was yucky, and now I know why: he wanted all the beer to himself.
Mommy and daddy are taking a “nap”
(A.K.A. it's time for afternoon delight) I swear to you my wife and I never use this one. Taking a carnal dip while the children play dolls right outside the door, kinda creepy. My parents, however, loved this ruse. Even when we kids were well into our teens. It was either “your mom and I are going to take a nap” or “we're going to make the bed” which they would have had time to make ten times over with the 20 minutes they were gone. Let this one go, folks. The kids know what you are up to.
Click here for Part 1
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