When your kids misbehave, are you a ranter or a reasoner?

Genetically, I'm a ranter who, until now, has fought hard to become the calm reasoner. I've tried (unsuccessfully) to recreate myself into the kind of mom who, in the heat of a child's blatant disregard for the sanctity of a peaceful home and/or the delicate nature of my own sensitive nerves, could quietly make "I" statements, talk about feeeeeelings and sensibly redirect the defiant child into more acceptable actions or self-expression. You know, so my kid could make better judgments, make better choices, change her own behavior without so much damn intervention (and talking and feeling and discussion -- or ranting).

But guess what? Not only are ranters barking up the wrong tree, reasoners aren't getting anywhere either. At least that's what one child behavior expert, Alan E. Kazdin, says. He's summarized his reasoning and strategies over on Slate. I'm going to give it a try. But here's the strategy in a nutshell:

1. Screaming and/or hitting your kids doesn't change behaviors. And it gets them to scream and/or hit when they face conflict with other kids.

2. Reasoning with you child about bad behavior doesn't change that behavior. Though it does give them practice in talking about their feelings with you, meaning they might come to you as they get older with stickier problems they need help on. So, reasoning isn't bad. It just won't change bad behavior.

3. Focusing on bad behavior doesn't change bad behavior.

4. Focusing on GOOD behavior changes BAD behavior.

5. Tell your child how you'd like them to behave in a given situation (fight with sister, upset when Mom says "no") and then practice it in a pretend situation. Praise and reward with love and hugs. Perhaps even reward with small trinkets.

He says it can take two weeks to a month to change a behavior, but that you won't (and shouldn't) be rewarding it forever.

Think you'll give it a try? I'm going to. Jeez, which behavior should I start with? 

Photo: Yourparentingsolutions.com