Every once in awhile we run across some precious bit of parenting advice here at the Derby, and while Bill seems a little put out by the catastrophe known as a “cozy hospital bag” for expectant fathers, I think it’s a fantastic idea.
Yes, as Bill mentions, moms-to-be have to put up with a lot of crap for nine months and then at the end of it all suffer through the blistering pain of childbirth; dads, on the other hand, need to feel like a part of the process, too, hence the need for freshening wipes and an iPod with their favorite songs – because really, what’s a new baby without a soundtrack?
That’s just a glimpse at the handy checklist from an “Expert Baby Coordinator,” who apparently took the time to remind moms that the people they’re having babies with are just. plain. morons.
Seriously, if you need to pack all this shit for your partner before you give birth, why’d you marry him in the first place? Or agree to have a baby with him? Do you really need an “expert” to remind you that your dad-to-be is a complete and total bag of helplessness? The beauty of this list lies not in the stupidity of the things you should pack for dad – his parents’ phone number?! – but in the glimpse it provides into just how unprepared dads-to-be are often considered.
So please moms-to-be, before you dash off to the hospital, don’t forget to pack these gems for your partner:
1. Contact lists – Including his own parents’ phone number, because yes, men are just that dum.
3. Loose change – For what? Nickel prostitutes in the doctor’s lounge? Oh … potato chips. Mmmmm.
5. Chocolate and snacks – Wait? Why I am packing change then? What? It’s to keep his energy up? Do I feed him before or after my epidural? Should I also change him?
2. Answer: Yes! Extra clothes and wipes so he’ll look fresh for those first pictures – and don’t forget that Annie Lebowitz only takes cash.
7. Camera – To me, this one says: "Jebus, mom, did you let just anyone off the street knock you up?" Who forgets a camera and film?
10. Mobile phone – This settles it; your partner is stooo-pid.
4. Tissue – “for the tears.” Bill got this one right: Ever heard of a freaking sleeve? “Honey, I know my there’s blood pouring out of my lady business right now and I know this purple thing has already peed on me, twice, but here’s a Kleenex for your tender, burning cheek. Isn’t this moment so special?”
9. Books and magazines – Because nothing says shared pain like, “Just one more paragraph. That’s right, good, puussssh!”
8. An iPod with his favorite songs – something by Salt N’ Peppa, to remind him of what exactly is going on outside the magical bubble of solitude you have created for him.
6. A thank you note – Dear hubby, thank you for allowing me to pack all the shit you didn’t need or have time to look at, because I was too busy squeezing the blood out of your hand and reminding you that if you ever go near my vag again, I will kill you. Love always.
OK, yes, I feel bitter. It always irks me to see dads painted as nitwits who couldn't remember their names if they weren't sewn into their Underoos. (What?) But some of the things on the list are just moronic. During our pregnancy classes, I was often reminded to pack music and candles and heating pads and special lotions, as if we were going to start the whole bsby process not complete it. But when it came time for the big day, I needed exactly one thing: bigger biceps. Seriously, 14 hours of pain, of pushing, of praying later, our baby arrived -- and I bet you can guess how many candles we lit in the process. Be there, dads. Do what your partner wants. There's your list.
