You may not agree with me but I contend that it is our biological right as parents to put our children on toboggans, flexible flyers, or overturned garbage pail lids, tether them to the back of an All Terrain Vehicle or 4x4 pickup then tow them through the vast wilderness teasing ravenous snarling wolves like the old dollar bill on the string trick. My childhood is filled with memories of being dragged through the Adirondacks with my siblings on an inner tube chained to the bumper of our Suburban with predatory pack animals in futile pursuit just inches from us. Good times….
I point to the Keays and Barrie families of Canada as examples of parents who subscribe to my point of view. After loading the bait children (with ages ranging from a tasty three to four years old) into a toboggan and tying it to the back of their ATV the two families began trolling through the snow covered woods near their campsite. When the parents noticed the wolves charging out of a ditch towards the appetizers children they pulled the serving tray sled back towards the truck and were only able to get them into the vehicle safely because the Keays’ head waiter dog got into a scuffle with the lead wolf.
Rod Barrie, one of the fathers, swung a ladle shovel at the wolves which only caused them to back off but not run away. “They definitely weren't afraid,” he said. That’s because everyone knows that a wolf is only afraid of houses made of brick, the teleprompter suddenly breaking on the set of The Situation Room and a bad dish of beef chow mein from Lee Ho Fooks.
Under the category of "Adding Insult to Injury" it should be mentioned that Kyle Keays, the other father, not only shot one of the wolves when it followed the families back to their camp but also shot the other wolf when he discovered it eating the carcass of the first. “They were starving," he said. “Both of these wolves I shot were quite skinny.” I think it’s presumptuous to assume these wolves were thin due to starvation when in fact it could have been caused by deeper body image issues resulting from media portrayals of super-skinny wolf models.
If you plan to be dashing through the snow with an ATV-pulled sleigh this weekend, remember the Cardinal rule of using your children as wolf lures, “Stalked in the forest, too close to hide, I’ll be upon you by the moonlight side. Do-do do do, do do do, do do do, do do do, do do.”
