I've said it before: divorce sucks. For the kids. And in zillions of cases, it does. But it doesn't have to, not if the parents keep one thing paramount throughout the entire experience and, well, for the rest of their lives actually (because they will always be tied together in a fashion if there are kids involved). That one thing? Simple.

The kids.

Okay. Sounds easy, right? “The research is clear that divorce with conflict is unquestionably bad for the kids.” Um, yeah, I got that part. Believe me, I know conflict in divorce. Apparently I incite conflict simply by breathing. And all the adult children of divorce that I know cite all sorts of discomforts from their parents, even to this day, years and years later. My parents still talk about one another from time to time in not the prettiest way.

So is "amicable divorce" an oxymoron? 

Well, again, no. IF the parents involved set aside THEIR stuff and concentrate on the kids. Evidently, parenting classes for separating or divorcing parents are now  available in about 50% of counties across the U.S. I would totally go to a parenting class like that, if only to help us both find ways of parenting without conflict. Somebody studied these classes and found that parents who took them had better communication afterward, and trust me, it's allll about the communication at this point. Better communication does foster a better environment for the children. I know; I've seen this work in my own case. Better communication and releasing your hold on issues that really don't matter can go a long way to reducing tension in the respective households, which in turn makes things feel a whole lot better for the kids.

Some other things:  

1. I think we've all heard that divorced/separated parents shouldn't talk about the other parent to the kids, not in a negative way. That's kind of obvious. But sometimes negatives can be hidden, so watch those too.

2. This extends to phone calls. Kids have eagle ears, uh, what has sharp hearing? Whatever. They will overhear you talking about them, and I know my own kids report that this really makes them feel bad. So don't do it.

3. Just keep the kids IN the middle, so they can stay OUT of the middle. Ooh, that sounds wise, doesn't it? And mysterious. But think about it: keep them out of the middle of te conflict, so you can keep them as that middle and most important thing.

4. Even if you think you already know everything, like me, there's always room to learn more. Try a parenting-after-divorce class (and not to use it to glean courtroom strategies or dates from other parents). And/or some training in effective communication like Non-Violent Communication. I'm going to try to get myselfand The Ex involved in something like this myself.

Trust me, or if not me (like I'm any example), then the "experts": if you keep your kids OUT of your divorce and IN your life, they'll be much better off.