Ahem. It all started off in such a lighthearted way, joking about lactation. I mentioned that Sophie Currier could spray the medical board with breastmilk "Rambo-style" after they rejected her request for extra break time to nurse during an exam. Then, when Bill Maher said moms who breastfeed uncovered in restaurants are lazy and attention-seekers, there was, um, a mention of squirting him in the eye with breastmilk in the following comments. But let me be very clear: I don't think any of us ever intended for lactation to be used as a weapon, and certainly not in a criminal enterprise. Unfortunately, that is what happened. A woman stopped by a security guard for shoplifting sprayed him with her mama milk. Let's keep our fingers crossed she doesn't say, "I got the idea from the internet." Put your guns back in your shirt, and let's all be friends.

The theory is that perhaps she was trying to get her DNA on the guard, because I guess shoplifters sometimes do that so they can claim they were assaulted by the guards. Uh, okaaay. Oh, but get this: "Graham Collins, of security company Citywatch, said: 'It started off with people picking their noses until they bleed and then accusing staff of assault.'" Eeeeeeewwwwww! Okay, now given the choice between being sprayed with breastmilk and being smeared with snot-blood, I'd take NEITHER, but if I had to, I'd go milk. And now there's a comparison between self-inflicted nosebleeds and lactation. Great. Like the conflation with masturbation wasn't bad enough.

Wouldn't it be ironic if she was shoplifting formula?

This story came via Jezebel, who got it from Salon, who got it from Cookie, who got it from Metro. Yeah. Maybe we can all go out to coffee some time. And the milk-squirting idea? You can't pin it on us. We'll never break.