On Saturday, lactivists staged a nurse-in/out at Applebees after a women was kicked out for breastfeeding her baby there. (Though I have to say, getting thrown out of an Applebees could be a blessing in disguise. Those buffalo wings are naaaasty.) But while the chain is all of the sudden seeing more nipples than your average Hooters, I just wondered if there wasn't another way to solve the problem of breastfeeding discrimination.
And then I saw this, and it hit me: man-boobs.
See, it turns out that given enough prolactin, men can lactate. Now, the issue with breastfeeding has to do with the way this society sees boobies--as sexy, private things that should only be revealed on special occasions, like in the bedroom, or when filming an MTV beach special, or in Brazil. But your average male nips have no such issues attached to them. That's why guys can walk around shirtless on hot days. So why not have dads share the nursing duties? A little prolactin shot and let him take over in the restaurant arena.
Getting dads to nurse could have all kinds of benefits. Moms could get more sleep and less mastitis. And I have a feeling family workplace policies would suddenly get a lot friendlier, with an increase in pumping rooms and paternity leave. Men would finally know what it's like to look down and realize with horror that you have two big wet spots on the front of your shirt, and it ain't because you spilled your coffee. They'd also get more bonding time with the babies, and I imagine it could make parents feel more bonded as well: there's something about sharing chapped nipple stories that creates closeness.
So the new plan is for guys to start lactating, and for all of us to enjoy our restaurant meals in peace. Yep, I'm here to solve all your societal problems, one at a time.
