Me: Hello, Guilt Department? Could I have an update on things I'm doing that ruin my kid's life? I seem to have forgotten a few.

Guilt Department: Oh yes, we're always happy to oblige. Are you pregnant? Because there are extra Guilt Points if you are...

Me: No, nothing like that, I'm just checking in. I haven't updated in awhile. 

GD: [testily] I see. Well, you know we have a policy of at least a monthly update on guilt-inducing activities. It's all in the agreement you signed.

Me: I know, I know. [brightly] Hey, can I add that to my Guilt Point total?

GD: Well, I'll let it go this time... 

Me: Great, thanks! So what have you got for me?

GD: Well, the latest is a new study that claims that parent's stress keeps fat kids fat.

Me: Oh, that's a good one!

GD: That's right: if you're distressed about anything, it seems to impact your kid's symptoms of depression, which then naturally has a negative impact on his quality of life.  Perfect, isn't it?

Me: [lost in thought] You mean, if I'm stressed about my job, or an argument I had with my spouse, or just in general about politics or world affairs or whatever, it affects my kid and makes him distressed too? Which means he's less likely to have a healthy lifestyle?

GD: Thats right. You'd be way to immersed in your own selfish depression to give any kind of decent support for your kid.

Me: Wow, that one sounds like so much fun! Can I sign up for it?

GD: Sure, I'll have to fax you the paperwork, but I'll add you to the program. Enjoy your guilt!

Me: Okay, thanks!