Being a mom *is* awesome.  

BUT, the reality is that you will have bad days.  And then really really bad days.  And days where you wonder what on earth possessed you to have a child.  And then your child smiles at you and somehow it's better.

I think the current negative outpouring about parenting is somewhat of a backlash to the happy shiny gosh golly ain't kids grand philosophy of parenting that has been out there for ages.  Women now, I think, are expressing more of their emotions - good and bad - about parenting.  To believe it is all wonderful is to ignore the honest to goodness tough times.  It is pretty unrealistic as having a baby is a life changing event.  I think the scaremongers are a bit overboard mind you with the horror stories but then again, parenting so far seems to be a combination of one-upsmanship, flat out lying, delusional thinking with the occasional dobs of fear, joy and worry.  

It is honestly the hardest job I've done so far in my life.  But I know that when I go to sleep at night it's the best job I've ever had.

I could not agree with this more, and I went through the exact same frustrations while I was pregnant - there was so much negativity and dire warning, and far too little celebration and congratulations and shared enthusiasm - from non-parents and parents alike. It's really frustrating. Maybe parents are trying to show support, or be realistic, or create a backlash against the illusions of perfection, but - whatever! The best thing anyone said to me during pregnancy was, "You are going to love it ... you are going to have the best time!" They were right. This is an amazing time for you, becoming a mom is transformative and empowering and incredible. Don't let it make you nervous. It even feels good to be tired and humbled and responsible. You'll laugh more than you ever thought possible. Crying (your own) will have greater meaning (so will loading the dishwasher, quite frankly). Really.

Negativity is distressing, period. And it doesn't stop. I was looking forward to my son learning to walk, but all the comments I got were along the lines of "you'll be chasing after him all the time, life is *really* going to change now, you'll have to really watch out blah blah blah". You know what? It was great when he started walking, for exactly the reasons I had thought it would be. Then the why stage started, and people kept telling me how sick of it I was going to get. A year later the whys continue, and yes it's sometimes a little tedious how repetitive they get, but I'm not sick of either his interest in things or answering his questions. Now I'm pregnant with my second boy - and, family aside, not one person who has asked what the sex is has responded positively. Not one. Instead it's a disappointed-like "oh", or that maniacal cackle about how hard life is going to be with two boys.

What is refreshing, is honesty. Parenting is hard, you're often wondering if you're doing the right thing, and sometimes I've had no clue how to deal with a certain situation or behaviour (both his and mine!). So this is where I find the "guts and all" aspect of the way people talk about parenting now helpful - to know I'm not alone, to glean good ideas, and to reflect on my own parenting style... as well as collectively mourn for the things that were lost (my perky boobs!) while rejoicing in the so many more things that were gained.

It's just a pity that often, the honesty is couched in negative terms.

I just turned 31 and am also in the second trimester of my first pregnancy.  While it wasn't exactly planned it was a welcome suprise as we were knowingly 'taking our chances' after having a big scare with troubles on my only remaining ovary.  Tell you what, no one is ever really 'ready' to have kids...until they have no choice but to be. The attitude one takes on from that point is all the difference between making it the best thing in your life and still getting everything else you want out of life.  Some give up and resolve to blame, while others amp it up to unreal proportions that seem unreal (and are).  It's true our generation is a bunch of waiters...waiting to have kids after marriage, a house, a career...many I know have decided in their twenties they never want kids.  Whether it's a selfish cling to youth or inset fear stemmed from millions raised in households of broken marriages...many feel to have a child is to give up control of their lives.  I'm thinking perhaps the opposite may be true.  Becoming a parent is both humbling and empowering.

I compare the comments about the bad aspects of having kids to the same ones we got before getting married...you're life is over...get out now...say goodbye to yourself...if these comments preceed the best moments in life that make it worth living, bring them on.

I completely agree.  I've gotten especially negative reactions because my first pregnancy ended in miscarriage.  Everyone I tell just looks at me sadly and asks if I'm ok.  Yes, I took it hard when I lost the first baby, and I'll probably take it hard if something happens with this pregnancy, but I'm not going to spend the whole time waiting for the worst!  I want to enjoy this excited, happy feeling.  The other day when I told a coworker of my husband's I got my first unabashedly happy reaction, and I just wanted to hug her!  It made my week to finally have someone just be happy for me!

I was ready to smack the next person that said, "Oh, enjoy your last few weeks without your baby! Sleep now! They are easier to take care of inside than out!" It's like it didn't occur to anyone I might eager to meet my baby!

The negativity is not helpful, at ALL. I think people ae just being jerks, however unintentionally. It's almost implying that you didn't think about things like sleep deprivation, identity crisis, or the enormous emotional vulnerability that children bring before you decided to have a baby.

And you know what? It is AMAZING. Hard as hell sometimes, and tedious others, but I still can't believe the way my heart just opened up the day my daughter was born. She's brought me joy every day she's been here, even the really crappy ones. How many other people can you say that about?

My husband and I are seen as being "very young" to be starting a family (22). It was our decision, not an accident as many seem to assume. We figured that we've got financial stability for the next few years and that we could wait another 10 years and still not "feel ready," so we just went for it. I'm so glad we live on a military base - people do not judge quite so much for starting a family 'young'.

Most of my friends have been very supportive and happy for us. Our grandmothers are THRILLED! Even my mom has warmed up to becoming a grandmother. :)

I find most of the negativity here on the Internet. So I do what I do with any information I find on the Net - I take it with a pound of salt.

I think the pendulum swings back and forth in terms of spoken attitudes about pregnancy/parenting. Before, it was collectively expected, if not a bit dishonest, to say how great being pregnant or giving birth or being a parent is. Now the pendulum has swung completely in the other direction and it's expected that the only way to show complete honesty about pregnancy and parenting is if we speak negatively of it. Those of us who actually really liked being pregnant -- discomfort, sciatica, acid reflux and all -- and who think giving birth is kind of a hoot -- despite the contractions and ring of fire and so forth -- and who think being a parent really hasn't had all the harmful effects we hear about -- sublimation of self, for example -- we know it's not our turn to speak. Those who could speak positively of it all will be scowled at or called disillusioned or in denial or suckers or sublimated. So we don't really speak up -- not about the great parts.

I'll concede the sleep issues, though. But sleeping in regularly had to end sometime, right?

Wow, birdfourth, yours could have been my post exactly.  I really enjoyed being pregnant, even with the stuff that wasn't so fun, and being a parent has been SO MUCH FUN!  And, I have to say this- so far, it has been so much EASIER than I expected, probably thanks to the doom and gloom of modern motherhood these days. Yes, I have had my bad days, and yes, there have been times when I would have killed for a couple more hours of sleep.  But overall, it has been so much incredible fun.

Down in Redsy's post, she writes, "Most of us, underneath our suspicion and sleep deprivation are consistently amazed at our capacity to love (see? cue muzak)...."  Why is it "cue muzak" when we find ourselves to be deeper and better as people than we ever expected?  I know the way I feel about my daughter is far less muzak and far more, I don't know- hallelujah chorus from Handel's 'Messiah', maybe- joyful and solemn and huge and not at all sticky sweet.  I'm not busting on Redsy at all, mind you, I just think we've gone too far the other way.  We can appreciate what an amazing thing it is, truly what a miracle it is every time, to create and birth and raise another person, without resorting to sappy, sickly hearts and rainbows and butterflies.  

I guess what I'm saying (in a long-winded way) is that being a parent is awesome, as in I am filled with awe at my daughter and my ability to take care of her.  That's not syrupy, not sugarcoated, but it is so fantastic and wonderful.  I wish I had known this sooner- I would have had kids before now.  And I can't wait to have another!

For me the assumption here, at Babble, is that people reading it are parents. If I'm talking to parents, I don't need to tell you how awesome it is, you know. If I tell you how awesome it is again and again I'm that tiresome woman bragging about my baby (a tooth! he has a tooth! he giggles like crazy! he gives me kisses! he's way cuter than anything you could possibly ever spawn! And I mean every word of what I just wrote, I just generally wouldn't say it outloud). If I talk to you about the hard stuff we're both going through, parent to parent, we can relate and commiserate. It never occurred to me to post comments on Babble thinking about people without kids. I just didn't think that was the readership.

I can say being a parent is difficult. Even with the easy child I was so lucky to have. He slept for 8 hours the first night and now sleeps 12 every night and takes a 2 1/2 hour nap. But I also really enjoy it. My son laughs all the time and is beginning to sing songs. He loves to share his toys with me (even when I am using the bathroom). He also slobbers all over my face when he gives me kisses. Sometimes I have to laugh at how his way of throwing a tantrum because it is just too darn funny. But there are also days where I wish I had my own time and didn't worry about him all the time.

As for the sex life thing I don't understand that complaint because mine has gotten better. I actually enjoy sex now (before it was so-so and a waste of my time).

You know, I think that people make snarky comments like that because people made those same comments to them; they feel the need to pass along the nastiness.

I heard the "better catch up on your sleep now" comment more times than I care to remember.  And ya know,sometimes I was tired, but it has always been worth it.

I was also worried about succumbing to the "mom frump" and visions of "mom jeans" danced in my head.  But, you know, it hasn't happened.  

You'll be fine.  Trust me.

I've felt the negativity myself as we're preparing for the arrival of our second child. (25 weeks on Sunday.) Beyond the negativity that accompanies pregnancy, it (sadly) can (but doesn't always!) become worse when you're actively parenting a child. People will always have a vocal opinion about what you're doing (breastfeeding or not, staying at home or working, strollers or carriers). It's hard to keep your head above the water when everyone is tossing opinions at you; I've struggled on my own.

That said: it's not all bad times. I <a href="thejhatfields.org/.../a> (at 12 weeks pregnant) that I'd be that pregnant forever if I could be. I've born two children, miscarried one and am anxiously awaiting the arrival of this child. My body has not been "ruined" though it has changed. My Husband says it is for the better. Instead of letting my own personal doubt weigh in, I just believe him. It does wonders for my self-esteem. As for sex life: that's what you make of it. Ours has been just fine. As for parenting? There are so many decisions to make. You will doubt yourself at times. I also recently wrote about the joy I've felt as a WAHM (freelance writer) after leaving the workforce (broadcast engineer) to stay at home with our son. I don't regret it. Others don't regret it either.

Don't let OTHER PEOPLE's regrets make YOU regret something that can, honestly, be an amazing part of your life.

Best of luck!

I agree with your friend, the one who said she thinks this is a backlash to the sugar-coated bull that some mothers (usually those whose kids are all wiping their own bottoms) give about "motherhood is the most wonderful and blessed time... it is all cherries and gum drops and beautifulness..."

I am sure motherhood IS wonderful, and raising children IS a great thing, but seriously? Spare the sugar-coating and just be honest: being a mom is one of the most challenging, yet rewarding experiences of my life. No need to go in to war stories, but you can also be realistic.

honey, brush the motherhood haters off!! motherhood is what you make it. i am absolutely in love with my son. he'll be two next month (and you know what they say about those two year olds...) and i am embracing every wacky tantrums, yelp and holler. i love watching his entire face light up when he sees a dump truck or when calliou is on television. i love to hear him laugh and discover new words (which don't always come out right, but hey, that's what makes him so freakin' adorable.) the years fly by so quickly with children and before you know it they're grown and leaving. so i say go with the flow... enjoy your life with your child. i don't have a single solitary negative thing to say about being a mom. it has been one of the greatest experiences of my life and i'm sure you'll feel the same... and no, you won't get as much sleep, but hey, you've had 27 years of sleepin' in!! :)

I love what Emma wrote - the negativity can be a drain, but the honesty is a relief.  Some days are amazing; some days you just wanna send the kid to Grandma's house until he's old enough to vote.  In either case, it's good to have a forum like Babble to celebrate the good and realize that we all get through the bad and - eventually - laugh about it.

As for ruining your career, body & sex life?  Maybe for some, but that's not been my experience.  Being somebody's parent - and being forced to behave as a capable, confident adult even when I really wanted to go all ostrich on a difficult situation - has been the best possible thing.  If nothing else, work dramas pale in comparison to ER trips with your toddler.  It may ruin your body, but I know plenty of women - and I'm among them - who are skinnier a few years post-baby than they ever were pre-conception.  And sex?  Please.  Much better.  Having a kid brought my partner and I closer ... and there's no negative to that.

On a personal note, I will admit that I am not one of those people who feels or communicates that becoming a mother is the greatest experience in the world. And I will also admit that there have been days (it's more like moments because your level of enjoyment can swing to the far extremes even within an hour, much less a day) when my thoughts and words

are far less positive then I'd like to admit. However, I have also learned so much about myself through this journey (and expect to learn much more). I feel I have become more grounded and I have had some great insights as to why I may react the way I do or why I would believe that being a mom is supposed to be a burden. I have had to look in the face of negative beliefs that have been passed down to me from family members (Thanks, mom), friends and society and make a conscious choice to make this experience my own, not someone else's.

On a professional note, I am a life strategy specialist and coach who works with women all the time who wrestling with the issues around becoming a new parent and all that means in their life. I think people (men too) are having children later in life after they've established themselves professionally and in other ways and they are more mature and aware of who they are and what they want in life. Adding a child to the mix after you've lived as a "childless" adult for some time takes some getting use to for some people. It's natural and expected. The balance comes in being honest about how one feels, and yet honoring the fact that your experience is not going to be exactly the same as anyone else. I also strongly believe in the power of thoughts and words and think one of the best things you can do for yourself and your baby (even before he/she is born) are surrounding yourself with positive thoughts, positive words and positive people. Having a baby is going to be a journey with the highs and the lows--just like everything else in life.

As a new dad, my philosophy is somewhat paradoxical

I think being a parent is both the worst and best thing that ever happened to me

You can parse that as you wish

It's the hardest job I've ever had but I have also never felt closer to anyone in my life than I do to my son

The naysayers are right!  You lose freedom, individuality, sense of self

They naysaers are wrong!  You gain freedom, individuality, sense of self

You have to give something to get something but the choice is not mandatory

Many folks are happy without children too.  let them be happy.

So there you have it.

Life is full of paradoxes, conundrums, quagmires and puzzles.

What a great topic! I've been repeatedly commenting to my husband during the last 8 months how negative people have been regarding pregnancy. I remember one of my coworkers (a nurse like myself) saying almost gleefully, "You're going to be soooo uncomfortable at the end." Huh? During the first trimester, I think people were watching for me to barf at work. I think they were also waiting for me to crumble under the "horrors" of pregnancy. I never did. I chose not to listen to the negativity and chose to gravitate towards the women who loved being pregnant or being mothers- warts and all. One of the women I work with was the most positive: She said, "During all of my pregnancies (4) I felt like a million bucks." Not every day  has been like that for me, but I've felt pretty damn good 95% of the time. And I have to chalk it up to just going with the flow of pregnancy.

I know every woman has different experiences. My sister had morning sickness for 6 months; others I know have been on bedrest for months or weeks. How can I complain about swollen feet and numb hands when some women are stuck in a hospital trying to make it through preeclampsia?

Anyway, the lesson I've learned is that pregnancy is like life. None of us are guaranteed an easy time. None of us are guaranteed anything. As far as maintaining a sense of self- I refuse to lose myself. That may mean discovering new facets of myself I never knew existed- more patience, going to story time at the library, an enjoyment of soaps on afternoons home with the baby, I don't know! But I'll still love city living, cooking, reading, making love with my husband (that should be first on the list!), going to the beach-- all those things that are part of me. I'll never lose those. I'll still be me- just expanded. And isn't that what life is in general? If I always refused to open up to new experiences, I'd never grow or even learn about me.

About becoming a mother in another 3 weeks? Scary. Exciting. Thrilling. Mysterious. Unimaginable. I just spent my last night at work. I'm a nurse and have been for 18 years. I was pretty emotional this morning knowing I'd not be going back for 6 months and even then maybe only part time. But I'm okay now (after a little sleep) and a little more ready to see what's next.

for my whole life, i panicked about being pregnant and giving birth.  i would lie in bed weeping as a tween about how unfair the world is to women and how we have to suffer, suffer, suffer.  yes, this was the moment i became a feminist.

anyway, my two cents: you can have the pregnancy and childbirth YOU want if you surround yourself with positive messages.  i read <i>ina may's guide to childbirth</i>, purchased a hypnobabies home study kit, and turned off those horrifying shows like <i>a baby's story</i> that depict miserable, dramatic experiences.  i literally put my hand in people's faces when they started spewing and said, "la la la!  i'm not listening!" and guess what?  i had a glorious pregnancy and a 10-hour, pain-free, drug-free labor that ended in a lovely waterbirth.  you have control.  tell the haters to stop their hateration, girl.

I think it's great that people can be so positive about it. I think it's not so great to tell people who don't have a glorious labor it's their fault. Sometimes you can't have the pregnancy and childbirth experience you want. Sometimes you read all the books, you do all the planning, and then your baby gets stuck during your drug free natural labor with your midwives at the birthing center and nearly dies. Then you get a c-section and a very sick baby on a lot of tubes in the NICU for much too long. And screw you Paula for telling me that's because I wasn't "positive" enough.

I think that honesty is refreshing - not just negative honesty, but positive honesty, too.  Yes, you won't sleep well for a few years.  But you also have (seriously) never experienced love like you will when you meet your child.  Maybe you stop being able to go off for a spontaneous weekend, but there isn't a lot more fun than watching your child discover something new at a museum/aquarium/your backyard.  Just like anything else in life, parenting has its high and low points, its pros and cons.  For most of us, the pros will outweigh the cons, and even on the worst days we wouldn't trade being a parent in for the world.

I have a 2 year old who was completely unplanned.  My pregnancy threw me for a major loop.  I look back and wish I had enjoyed it more.  I advise you to do that while you still can.  I had postpartum depression for a good 4 months and then woke up one day and felt like my son had always been here.  Now that he's two, I love him so deeply that it hurts.  I think back to the friends who pitied us as new parents, leaving our home after a quick visit to go stay out all night.  Stay away from those kinds of people.  They just suck.  And when someone tries to get you down with stupid comments just say, "I'm trying to stay positive for myself and my baby."  Or how about, "I'm really excited about what's happening for my family!"  Shut them down before they get to you.  My ex-boss told me to accept that becoming a mom would make me a mediocre teacher.  It has, and I have learned to accept that.  My body has done amazing things and I know if I work hard enough to move it regularly it will respond well.  Labor makes you proud, trust me.  Relationshipwise- I did mourn the way my husband and I used to be after my son was born.  Sleeping late was nice.  But there's 3 of us now, and believe me, you will adjust.  Hang in there and be happy.  The best is yet to come, and you will love being a mom.  It may not happen instantly- but it will happen.

They people who are saying the negative is either a. they never had kids or b. they have kids but really didn't want them or c. they are really self-centered. I have two kids a 4 year old and a 6 month old. Being a parent is awesome. You learn so much about yourself that you never really knew. Being a mom is the best thing about me. I love my kids.

With 4 year old I had a really easy pregnancy and birth. With my 6 month old I was sick all 9 months and had to use drugs during delivery( and boy did that make me mad). Even after all the trouble I went through the second time I would do it all over again.

Those who are negative are selfish. The ones that have the biggest problems with lack of sleep or no time alone  . . . well, what did they think - and how is it not worth it in the return?

I had too much positive support so that when I was pregnant (which is the part I hated) I felt bad for not trying to glow - or whatever the H I was supposed to be doing?! These were also the same people that treated me like an idiot and thought it was so funny that I "Didn't know what I was getting myself into." The people that over think parenting get burned out - for most it should hedge on what comes natural to you and your family.

Seriously, they are hard  but I would have 10 more if I wasn't the one pregnant and paying for them. I'll be happy with the two beautiful babes I have.

well, so many great responses to read so i'll be quick here.  i got pregnant at almost 40- talk about hearing negativity!  by the time i was about 6 mos. along, i stopped reading baby books- too upsetting.  being a mom really does get easier as it goes along- the situations become harder (more complicated?) but i become better equipped to deal with them.   and the near two yr. old who can exasperate me to no end also makes my heart squish up and melt like no other.  i have a new capacity for love and understanding and also frustration, not just with my son but with the whole world.  my sex life is better tho' my body is not as taut as it used to be...probably because my husband and i have a real appreciation for what we are capable of- and because we value our time alone so much.  enjoy every moment but don't hold back the tears...

You&#39;ll smile a lot. You&#39;ll be walking down the street one day and you&#39;ll notice your jaw just hurts like hell. And you won&#39;t be able to do a thing about it, and you won&#39;t want to either. You&#39;ll look like a crazy person, walking

"Frankly, I could use a few more people telling me that being a mom is an awesome thing."

Being a mom is an awesome thing. Truly. Not that there aren't times that suck--the first six weeks in particular are really tough because you're hormonal, bleeding and exhausted. But now my son is 14 weeks old and I'm having a blast. Seeing him learn new things every day is so incredibly exciting. When I go into his room in the morning and he greets me with a huge smile, it's like an bolt of pure joy shot straight into my heart. And as for that crap about babies ruining your career, figure and sex life: I'm doing a better job now than before I had my baby, because I'm much more laid back about it all. I get in there, do the job and go home without the angst and anxiety I had pre-motherhood. On the body side, I still haven't lost all of the pregnancy weight, but my body image is far better than it was before--my self esteem is based on something more substantial than what I look like. And my sex life is better than it was before, as is my marriage as a whole. We are both so smitten with our kid that it's strengthened our bond with each other and made the sex not only hotter but emotionally deeper.

It's funny, I got a lot of the same comments others have described, but I didn't interpret them as negative! To me, it felt like people were honestly trying to connect with me about my experience, albeit in a light and joking way. It's hard for many people to say something real and meaningful about something as huge as having a baby.... When I talk about my baby to others I find myself talking about how much he's sleeping and eating- really not what matters at all. What he really means to me, and who I really think he is- it's too personal for me to be able to (or want to) share with all and sundry.

Get your sleep in now is the best and most well meaning advice a parent could give to a parent to be. This stuff really is meant to help prepare you for the tough times ahead, which, believe me, were such a shock. The really amazing stuff about being a parent is incredibly difficult to vocalise, and would probably result in us all being over sentimental and teary-eyed with people we don't know too well.

Oh my gosh - me too!  I didn't get near the happy responses I expected.  Serves me right for expecting so much of people around me, I suppose!  I felt like a total freak of nature because I am one of *those* women who absolutely love being pregnant.  Near the end of my term, I found myself just agreeing with people that, "Sure, yeah, I'm miserable" because that's what they wanted to hear so badly, it seemed.  But in all honesty, I was never miserable.  Now my daughter is 7 months old and we couldn't be happier.  I may never sleep again, and I may get a grumpy and frazzled from time to time, but I find my frustrations in life come more from the outside world rather than that big gummy smile I get.  Nothing compares to the big open mouthed drool filled kisses I get, and nothing is more satisfying than being able to cure your cranky baby just by picking her up and loving her.  I just don't know what's wrong with all of the anti-parents out there - and most of them have kids!!!  I guess it's just not for everybody & some people have them for all the wrong reasons.  So on your behalf, to all of those half-empty glass holders, I pity you.  Congratulations on your pregnancy!!!  I am thrilled for you & you are in for the BEST time of your life!  You may never sleep again, but you just may not want to, either & they will be the best sleep deprived days of your life!  :)  How's that for support?!

Having your heart walk around on the outside of your body and give you hugs is one of the most simple luxuries in life.

Then it pees on your floor, but then it giggles and does your hair for you.

It's awesome.