The moment we've all been waiting for is almost here. Today, Gawker (a site I love so much it almost makes me start lactating again) will post the finalists in the Pretentious Baby Names contest. Dress up in a gown and have a party with nachos and martinis! Make a drinking game out of it! Pray your child Branston doesn't take home the gold!

The semifinalists demonstrate the competition will be pretty darn stiff for this one. They liked Fayemus, but I just can't over Dulcimer. Perhaps if we'd gone that naming route with our progeny, a typical college day would involve racing home from dressage to work on her thesis on Kant and Camille Paglia with some nice prog rock playing in the background, because she finds it "so utterly soothing." Instead, her roommates will probably have to rip the beer bong from her hands before she starts flashing her tits out the window again. Lord, we suck at branding. 

By the way, I doubt Metallica will be on the list. You know, we'll never, ever let that one go. It feeds my soul.