Strollerderby

Thanks for highlighting this. I adore Rebecca Walker for her candor and her writing.

Step parenting and adoptive parenting are completely different.  Especially when the biological parent is involved.  

That said, I'm adopted, and to say my parents love me any LESS than my brother is ridiculous.  Pregnancy was easier than what my parents had to do to "have" me.  

Do some adoptive parents feel this way?? Sure.   Do biological parents not love their children??? Sure.

I guess I'm just sick and tired of hearing people talk about how I'm supposed to have some sort of mental problem with being adopted.  Some sort of yearning to meet my biological parents.  And then I really hate the azzhats who call them my "real" parents.  Or how I don't really "know who I am".....Do adoptees feel this way, sure some of them do.  But not all of us are hell bent on finding people who gave us up.  I am grateful for my bio mom's decision, but she's not my mom.  

You know who I really feel sorry for??? The poor kid who was this woman's stepchild for at least 6 years.  This child gets to read about how his stepmother felt less than fuzzy about him or her.  

Jessica, you and I are going to have to disagree on this one.  

There are some things you just keep to yourself---this is one of those things.  

I think several things:

As far as I know, Rebecca Walker never adopted her partner's son.  She "coparented" -- which seems to me another way of saying "stepparented."  It's definitely not the same thing.

And second, if she really does feel like she has been and still is a parent to that child (now a teenager, I think), I cannot imagine how she could say something to the effect of "I love my new kid best."  Indeed, she seems to be backpedaling away from that statement, talking about wanting to "open up dialogue" around different kinds of parenting.  But the header on the piece put it in the baldest possible terms.

IF Walker truly feels that she is a parent to her ex-partner's son, and YET she stands by that statement, then frankly it's a shitty thing to say, publicly or privately.

As a step-child I can definitely understand what she's saying. My step-mother called me her bonus daughter and claimed to treat me as she did her children.

To this day I wonder that she paid for all 4 of her children to go to uni, while I was "not allowed" and had to stay at home at a uni consisting of degrees I had no interest in, and still manages to claim that.

Perhaps she is not as self aware as some.

I don't like what Walker says.  She claims she's only trying to say that there are different kinds of love; it seems obvious to me that she is/was saying that she loves one child MORE than the other, not just differently, and worse, tries to speak for all mothers by assuming that no adoptive or step parent could possibly have a strong a tie to their child as a biological mother does.  

Nor do I feel that a parent making it clear that he/she loves all his/her children equally (in terms of amount, not in terms of exactly how they relate to one another as individuals) precludes an open dialogue.  I am adopted, and my parents have always made it known that they love me as much as anyone can be loved while also letting me know that they'd have no problem (and even help me) with me finding my biological parents, if that's what I wanted.

I feel like Walker's trying to insinuate something like "why don't we all just come clean and admit it -- we love our bio children more; you know you all feel that way but it's just not PC to say it out loud."  And I adamantly feel that this is NOT true for most of the adoptive parents that I know.

Note - I never know whether I should bother posting in the "discuss" section of the features because it seems they end up here to a wider/more vocal audience.  So, here's what I posted under the original article.  I'm reposting because this topic is so interesting to me...

I'll admit I was rattled by the headline, assuming you were going to write about a biological child and and adopted child.  I'll admit I was relieved when I discovered that you were discussing a biological child and a step-child.  

To me a step-child and an adopted child are entirely different - of course this all depends on many circumstances.    However, I would assume that along with stepchildren comes at least a little bit of baggage regarding the other parent (i.e. the woman who bore the child and who made love to your current husband/partner and was at one time the focus of his affection.)  So a product of what was once romantic/sexual love between your guy and someone else might cause even the tiniest bit of anxiety in one's heart, I am thinking.  God knows enough of us bristle at the sight of our partners' exes even if no progeny came from the relationship!!  A child would (to me) be a constant reminder.  Not that I would not come to love and care for the child, but it would always be HER child.  

Choosing to adopt a child - whether or not you even know who the bio. parents are - is different.  You are becoming the child's parents - their mom and dad.  Not their stepmom/stepdad.  There is not another woman (or man) lurking out there somewhere.  This child - in most cases - was not created by your spouse/partner and his/her ex.  This child, like one who comes from your own uterus, is getting a new start - a fresh opportunity for love, affection and nurturing - from YOU.    

I am afraid I am not being very articulate, but I beg to differ when I read a comparison being drawn between a stepchild and an adopted child.  Brady Bunch aside, the stepchild is not yours.  Most stepchildren I know call their stepmom/dad by their first name and readily acknowledge that their "real" mom/dad lives elsewhere, is dead, whatever.  The adopted child is your child;  you are  MOM or DAD.  And any MOM or DAD worth her/his weight in anything would lay down her/his life for her/his child -regardless of its biological origins.

posted by : BBBGMOM on 6/18/2007 at 11:59 AM