Attachment parents (APs), those lovely kind souls mean well. They do. But sometimes following the tenets of perfect childrearing can cause irreparable harm to the marriage upon which the children ultimately depend. Marriages struggle after kids, there's no doubt about it. And I think the higher your childrearing standards are, the more pressure is placed on the marriage after kids.
Here are 5 attachment parenting practices and some suggested applications to marriage or partnerships:
1. Respond with Sensitivity. APs are encouraged to respond to the nonverbal cues of infants and young children and to respond with love and gentleness. In marriage, partners worn out from caring for children often forget to follow the same tenets in caring for the marriage.
2. Nurturing Touch. The concept of loving your child with loving touch is an obviously good parenting practice and can mean hugs, kisses, but also handholding and shoulder rubs. The same approach can strengthen the marriage. Friendly touch (the kind that doesn't ask for anything in return) can build a bridge between even the most harried of harried souls. Hand-holding, kissing, and shoulder rubs can work miracles on a stressed out couple.
3. Nighttime Parenting. While I definitely agree that it is important to be responsible to kids (especially infants) and their needs at night, I also think it's crucial to remember that sleep deprivation can cause illness, such as depression, anxiety, and high blood pressure. If you and your spouse never get any sleep, how in the hell can you expect your marriage to flourish?
4. Strive for Balance. Ahhh balance. The catch word and the mythology of it all. I think having children is more about growing accustomed to being unbalanced, than to striving to eat enough carrots and go to yoga. When the parents are in charge, at least the chaos is somewhat ameliorated by some authority. I'm not talking handing out 'whoopins', but surely you've witnessed some of the "discussion" with small children that fail to alter bad behavior? A marriage needs balance, particularly balance between the needs of the children and the needs of adults. While children's needs often come first, Mommy and Daddy need date nights and weekends away to remind themselves why they're doing all of this anyway.
5. Family Bed. In many cases, the family bed causes marriage problems. Once there is more than one kid in the picture, and unless you have a California King, how is one supposed to get rest, or get some? Parents need boudoirs, dammit, or at least an adult space that isn't littered with cheerios and peanut butter smudge and questions about Jesus first thing in the morning. Cuddling time is crucial. But when the kids are old enough to ask why you're "tickling each other" it's time to make other arrangements.
