Strollerderby

When I was 18 years old I found myself pregnant and living in a home for unwed mothers.  One of the other girls living there was from a smal town, 16 and pregnant as well.  We had both made different decisions, I would place my child for adoption, she was planning to keep hers.  We were due a month apart.  

A month before she was due, she started having pains and was rushed to the doctors office.  The news was bad, the baby had died in utero.  The doctor encouraged her to go through natural child birth and she chose to do so.  When she returned to the home three days later, she carried with her a small bag of personal belongings and three pictures of her daughter.  I stood looking at those pictures and felt the child I would give birth to kick.  I felt guilty and angry that I couldn't take her pain away.  

That experience has stayed with me all these years.  I have twice more made the decision to place children for adoption, and everytime I did, it was with the picture of that scared, helpless sixteen year old mother in my mind.  I am lucky enough to be able to carry strong healthy babies to term.  I have been given that blessing.

Anyone that would turn a picture of a child, beloved more than anything, into a "problem" is in need of a lesson in compassion.  It may make you uncomfortable, but that picture is likely the one thing that keeps that woman from feeling lost and wholly alone.  

I can't help but think that the original Dear Abby would never have given such a milquetoast bullshit answer. I know for sure that Ann Landers' daughter, Margo Howard, would have slapped the letter writer down for daring to even ask.

That Raeburn piece is heartbreaking.

it most certainly should.

When one loses a child, it becomes critical that "nobody" forgets/denies his/her existence - no matter how brief.  Many people who have lost children wish others would ask about the child and mention the child.  

It is important to me to display photos of my late son in my small collection of kid photos at work and home.  (I was fortunate that he lived for several months so I have images of his living, smiling self.)  I yearn for new acquaintances to inquire about him.  He is as important to me as my three healthy children.  

My colleague had a stillborn baby whose photo is nestled among the school pictures of her living kids.  Most of us in the office (perhaps all?) are moved by the beautiful and devastating picture and would NEVER think to ask her to put it away.  

I am interested to hear why anybody would object to a mother's choice to honor her baby's memory in this way.  

Ditto on the Raeburn essay. I'll never forget it. Ever.

That Raeburn essay was heartbreaking and emotionally draining and I am just the reader.

There is no way in hell someone should hide their photo. That child exsisted at one point. Whether it was in the womb or outside it. It has value and needs to continue to be acknowledged.

I think it’s compassionate for the coworkers and manager to see the photograph and accept with the employee displaying it for a few weeks, long enough for the worker to appropriately share their grief with co-workers.  It’s impossible though to give a pat answer to how long that should take since we don’t live in a society with consistent customs on how we allow parents and close friends -- let alone co-workers in cubicle world -- to grieve for a stillborn baby.  This sort of thing used to be a lot more common in previous generations where funerals and photographic records of loved ones who had passed away was more of a community event.  They didn’t display photographs of deceased loved ones on their cubicles or desks because in those days people worked in factories, mills, and farms, but they were a prominent part of family albums and in some cases the displays on their walls at home.

I’ll assume the photograph looks a *little* different to a careful observer from a typical sleeping baby’s face, the cheeks aren’t quite as rosy, but to a casual observer it could look like a sleeping baby in a receiving blanket, and not a forensic photograph.  If so, displaying such a photograph if other co-workers display photographs of their newborns would be appropriate.  In any case though beyond a few weeks it’s probably reasonable to ask the co-worker to not have a public display of the photograph, at least not on her desk where casual passers-by can easily see it.  This might especially be true if the workplace is shared in very close quarters with other co-workers, if the workplace generally has strict rules about what can be displayed, and if vendors, customers, clients, etc, share the same area.  

I think the worker would eventually understand and comply with a polite, reasoned request to take the photo out of public view.  While I can imagine anyone with a very close attachment to a pregnancy and birth wanting to share the experience with close friends, maybe including a photograph, it’s reasonable to say that in this day it’s not appropriate for a photograph like this to end up as part of a permanent display of family photographs, at least not in one’s cubicle at work.

Madge’s co-worker is a jerk - why would the comments about Madge being a gossip and know-it-all be necessary for the question about the baby's picture?  She just doesn't like Madge and is looking for a way to hurt her.  Using her dead baby is so low as to be disgusting.  Would Dear Abby also feel that a photo of a severely physically disabled living child should not be displayed; that it too might be distressing to others? I am so mad and sad I want to punch something.  The Raeburn essay was beautiful.

Tracey

that story is so very touching.

the baby is that woman's child. if it is allowable in the office setting to display pictures of family, she has every right to display it, assuming it is not gory.  people who stop by are not obligated to look at the pictures on display.  if it bothers you, don't look, but it is not for you to say which family members a co-worker is allowed to honor with those displayed photos.  perhaps as a compromise, the woman could place the picture in question at such a location or angle that she can still see it, but it can't be seen as easily by people passing by.  in my cubicle setting, i have an area that is seen only by me, unless a visitor steps into my cube.  

I wholeheartedly agree with Tracey - if you read the question carefully, anyone can see through it.  This is a gang of catty office workers who are once more looking to isolate a worker who they do not like.  If she is unprofessional, attack that.  But attacking her way of grieving the loss of her child?  Heartless and cruel doesn't begin to describe it.

In our society, we are encouraged to stuff our feelings about death and other difficult situations.  I believe that Madge's display of her baby is actually a good thing - she is willing to bring a painful part of her life out into the light.  Her acknowledging her child and her grief may help others who might be unfortunate enough to go through similar circumstances.  

When I had a miscarriage, I was encouraged by unspoken culture to act as though nothing had happened.  But a few compassionate women shared that they had also suffered the loss of an unborn child.  That kindness and sense of not being alone really helped me get through my grief.

Hooray for Madge.  We should have more people with her bravery and compassion in our offices.

As someone who is very pregnant, I don't think I would feel comfortable seeing that picture in someone else's cubicle every day. It would remind me that it could happen to me too. I am already having nightmares.

But, since having this picture with her helps with the healing process, perhaps she could display it in an area not visible by others? If something ever happened to my baby, I would want a photo. But I wouldn't want to display it. I would be opening myself up to too many painful questions. People are too nosy and don't understand the situation.

Warning: you may find me callous but I'm not. I'm a realist.

I'm sorry but I think the picture needs to be discreetly put away. Yes, this woman's loss should not be discounted nor should it be forgotten. What she went through has to be just about the most difficult thing any parent could possibly ever endure. But the workplace is not the place for this photo given the facts as presented. Any HR department would be obligated  to ask Madge to put the picture away if any other employee complained that it was inappropriate or distracting. Just as if an employee had a suggestive or explicit photo posted in their workspace, if anyone finds it distracting an employer has the right to dictate it needs to be put away.

My husband and myself have both dealt with a similar situation in our place of work. Many people found the photo in question very troubling, but at the same time everyone's compassion for the grieving mother's loss has stopped anyone from complaining to HR about it. All the while, this picture is still posted and the whole situation has created a general vibe of ghoulish wary when interacting with this woman. People avoid going into her cubicle. It has become a definite problem in the workplace.

Corporate policy aside, publicly hanging onto a loss like this keeps one from moving forward and drags everyone else around you along for the ride. Life is full of difficulty, pain, and loss. But you have to develop the coping mechanisms to move on. It's ok and healthy to keep the photo of a painful memory like this. But at some point you have to be able to put it away in the drawer and get on with life to make new and happier memories. From time to time go back and open that drawer and think about what might have been. But don't spend the rest of your life dwelling on it.

For those who insist that it is important to "move on", how many of you have lost a child?  By virtue of continuing to live and function, we bereaved parents "move on."  We learn to adapt to a new normal - life will never, ever be the same.  Just like life is never the same once you've had your first, second, etc. healthy baby!

God forbid one's healthy 17-year-old gets killed in a car crash - would you suggest removing photos of him/her to help your coworkers feel more comfortable?  

Another poster asked if a person with a visibly disabled child should not display photos of her/him.  Should we only put forth evidence of the healthy/happy parts of our lives and stuff the bittersweet, sad or disappointing parts away from view?  

Part of healing and coping is being able to acknowledge that one had a baby, lost a baby and is navigating life in spite of the tragedy.  Stuffing it does not help a person move on.  Believe me, you never forget you had the baby no matter how long ago it was or how many healthy babies you have had or how happy your life has been since!  Putting a picture in a drawer does not help the pain go away - on the contrary.

"Don't spend your life dwelling on 'it'."

"It" is not an "it", HDCS.  "It's" her BABY.  A real person who had a soul and shared her parent's love, if only from the womb.

This mother doesn't want her child's life, albiet short, to be forgotten.  Just as when we die, we hope no one forgets us.

"Moving on" shouldn't have to include forgetting her child.  It should include finding ways to honor and remember him/her.

I have major short term memory. There are a lot of important thigns i just can't remember. Even things that happened long back or yesterday  I'm 22 years old. WBR LeoP