A Whole New World

re: A Whole New World

jjlibra — Sun, 03 Feb 2008 05:00:35 GMT

sounds tough but i win because it's way more awkward for me since i work at the school that my daughter goes to! i have to go to parties and "playdates" (WTF??)with parents of children in my class. i have to tactfully answer all of those questions about which teachers are leaving, why this, why that....it's weird. the houses are always so gorgeous that i would never reciprocate the invitation out of sheer embarrassment (and i am NOT usually that way)or the parties are at the local hot spot and my daughter wants to know why her party isn't there and why every kid in her class isn't invited. at the last party i mentioned that i was going to paint my living room and a mom asked who i was getting. i didn't even understand what she meant so she asked "are you doing it yourself?" i still didn't get it and said "no, my husband will help" she looked shocked and finally just exclaimed "you're not hiring painters??" umm, that would be a no. oy, i have another party tomorrow. wish me luck!!!

re: A Whole New World

the weirdgirl — Sat, 02 Feb 2008 03:42:57 GMT

My son's preschool actually encourages in-class birthdays. As in, you bring in a few goodies to share with the class and that's it! I think it's their way of negating the "invite the whole class" thing. So I'm taking in cupcakes and some goodie bags, then I'll have a small party with his playgroup friends. At this age, they don't really care as long as some other kids are around to scream with.

And what's with a "parent's union"?! It's preschool for god's sakes! We had a teacher leave without notice... and she was a drama headcase. Good riddance!

re: A Whole New World

Laura — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 02:26:02 GMT

Holy shit! I thought introducing solids was a headache. Preschool, lawd!

re: A Whole New World

GirlsGoneChild — Wed, 30 Jan 2008 16:09:23 GMT

Kisses on all of your cheeks.

re: A Whole New World

Sabrina — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 00:00:00 GMT

I can relate to the "invite your whole class" thing, and therefore only invited her friends from outside school. I can't afford/stand that many kids in my house anyhow. Turned out wonderfully!

re: A Whole New World

LeighS — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 14:39:50 GMT

Ask your son what HE wants to do for his birthday, or tell him he can invite 3 kids and see who he chooses. My daughter would be overwhelmed and unhappy with her whole class at our house; she really just enjoys her best friend and a few others. And I agree with the above: don't think you are a poor parent just because you don't go along with everyone else. All the drama comes from people with way too much time on their hands. Focus on your little boy and everything else will fall into place.

re: A Whole New World

the nanny — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 11:45:10 GMT

Hey Rebecca,

Have been following your blog since I became a 'guest parent' of a baby a year ago. I feel compelled to leave a comment about this as an 'outsider'. I think its such a shame that true values and honest love are turned into a kind of 'world's best parent' competition. You don't have to prove your dedication to the child you spend every waking minute worrying about by showing up at a rally or a meeting at the docks. The kids will have forgotten what the issue was about long before the parents have stopped kicking up the fuss!

And how expensive are kids parties these days? If the school wants to cough up the cash to accomodate a birthday party every week, then bring it on!! Otherwise, let it be down to the individual. Please don't feel insecure about your parenting skills because you don't agree with the majority. Given the chance, I'm sure qome of them would like to concentrate their efforts in a more productive way.

re: A Whole New World

samsmum — Sun, 27 Jan 2008 21:34:58 GMT

Rebecca, thanks so much for voicing SO much of what I feel as a newish mum to a 20 month yr old. as everyone has said, you stick to your guns! you give us all strength, voicing what we feel; argh, thinking How can we reciprocate all the invites we get to big homes, full of toys, when our little cottage is bursting with one boy & one old cat ! and all these mom-types So serious @ playgroup, nursery, etc. , instead of just living these amazing kid days (and boning up on all-important disney trivia :-) and, yeah, invite/do what you & Archer want to, the special day out with a few friends sounds fab.

re: A Whole New World

genevieve — Sun, 27 Jan 2008 16:53:11 GMT

My kid's older now but I remember back when the "whole class" rule was in effect... In the schools we've been involved with, the rule was if you're going to hand out invitations at school, then you gotta invite the whole class. But there was no rule about what people did on their own time. Plenty of us had smaller parties, especially those of us with timid kids. We were all sensitive to hurting kids (and parents') feelings, and just didn't talk about parties that not everyone was invited to. Regular good manners. It's all worked out well.

Are you feeling pressure from the parents, or is it something from the school?

And secret parent meetings about stuff that happened last year? Do not feel guilty about bailing.

re: A Whole New World

Sheri — Sun, 27 Jan 2008 02:45:33 GMT

Rebecca,

You are absolutely correct. The whole parenthood/adulthood thing is worse than high school. Don't let the fact that you don't have the deluxe car/house or whatever get you down. I will be hitting the big 4-0 this year, and really, I wasted so much time being sad about not being as "cool" as the other moms. In the end, you can't take it with you.

I have 3 kids--18 years old, 3 and 5 years old. It goes by all too quickly. Enjoy Archer and to hell with the rest of it. All he needs are two parents who love him and want what's best.

On one last note, technically, as long as you don't send out invitations via preschool, you can invite whoever you want to Archer's party. I'd go that route if I were you.

re: A Whole New World

Ella — Sun, 27 Jan 2008 02:35:16 GMT

Oh, yet another reason I love homeschooling. At this age, I basically still get to pick James' friend's (he's 3), so no big parties with kids or parents I hate.

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GirlsGoneChild — Sat, 26 Jan 2008 21:44:07 GMT

Oh holy shitballs, Rach. You're so right! Thanks for the correction. I'm off to brush-up on my Disney now. (Woops!)

re: A Whole New World

Rachel F — Sat, 26 Jan 2008 20:50:24 GMT

Um, Becs, A Whole New World is Aladdin, not Little Mermaid. Duh!

re: A Whole New World

GirlsGoneChild — Sat, 26 Jan 2008 05:44:26 GMT

Amen Sharon. You said it! Peer pressure is soooo much crazier in the parent 'hood than in highschool. At least for me.

re: A Whole New World

Sharon — Sat, 26 Jan 2008 03:55:36 GMT

Thanks for giving voice to the sentiments I feel regularly in this parenting journey. I didn't tolerate this nonsense in high school, and oddly, felt more secure in that desicion way back then! Now, find the pressure as a parent 10 times worse, because I don't want my decision to stay out of the superfical fray to adversely effect him. In order to role model living authenticly for my son, I have to resist the temptation to "fit in" in ways that fly in the face of who I am and who we want him to be.

Thanks for writing about it. :)

re: A Whole New World

LogicalMama — Fri, 25 Jan 2008 20:51:42 GMT

Believe me, it gets worse when grade school starts.... I felt like a fish outta water at my first PTA meeting!! Still reeling and haven't been to another since!

I am relieved that my kid's birthday is in the summer! Most people are on vacation for his birthday! At the very least, in our school, they don't suggest inviting the whole class, but they ask that you refrain from handing out the invites at school and have thusly, provided a mailing list for the students so there is no pressure to invite all the kids.

re: A Whole New World

regandbabe — Fri, 25 Jan 2008 13:31:55 GMT

you make me feel less crazy- I have an almost 9 month old and feel the same way when thrust into 'mommy' situations. I think it has a lot to do with age, and values you want for the kiddo. it seems to me it is like the new status symbol to be able to invite everyone to the fancy pants little kid parties like women who are of a certain age and traded offices for sandboxes are trying to 'save face' or something.. i dont know but i feel your pain

re: A Whole New World

Lisaloo — Fri, 25 Jan 2008 03:59:14 GMT

No you do not have to invite the whole class (for preschoolers???) and you don't have to go to meetings that make you feel creepy - be true to yourself, trust your gut, and guide your child as YOU see fit - my oh my, what a weird, frightening world we live in. Parenting is not supposed to be a contact sport. I went to a 2 year old's party with my first son and could not believe it - 22 two

yr olds expected to sit in a circle and wait while Mr. Birthday Boy unwrapped a dump load of gifts - outrageously expensive gifts - that he ripped and tossed, ridiculous. We now only go to those we know very well and we don't have big parties - family and one or two other families. I like the idea that you invite the number of guests to match the child's age. My sister's kids are in grades 4 and 1 and she still bucks the trend - they invite up to 6 close friends for a special event (like a movie, bowling) but they don't buy in to the hoopla. The other thing many friends I know do with older kids is they tell their guests to bring donations for the food bank or the SPCA or other favourite charity rather than gifts for them. Good luck, and you're not alone feeling like it is a mine field out there...

re: A Whole New World

mommymae — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 22:28:27 GMT

we invite the age. and with the twins that doesn't mean we double it. the bug is 2 this year and we'll invite 2 if there are 2 kids he plays with regularly at his 3 hours a week in school. if not, we'll do family. tons of families do the whole class thing and it is not for me. we like small parties in our house with our families and a few kids. i'm sure it will change as they get older (ie, they'll chuck the family) but until then, we'll stick to this formula.

re: A Whole New World

GirlsGoneChild — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 21:47:51 GMT

You guys are awesome. Thank you. And thank you for reminding me that I can stick to my guns and do what feels right for me, instead of feeling the pressure to conform to everyone else's parenting rules and regs. It's always amazing to come back after I write something I feel is so personal to me and then, AH! Everyone's totally feeling the same things!! It's such a relief!

re: A Whole New World

valerie — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 20:06:54 GMT

Good grief. I hate all of that crap. I am so entirely happy with my diverse lower income neighborhood where all of us are too busy with holding our lives together and trying to squeeze in enough time just to be good parents to our kids to bother with something like a parents union. What on earth is the big deal? My kids' teachers come and leave without any notice whatsoever, and he just likes all of them regardless. I found what I consider to be an excellent preschool, and I'm happy and he's happy.

Shudder. I really am not a fan of even conversing with what I tend to think of as 'real moms'.

Anyway, I'd do what that other mom said - give it a try, if it's a miserable massive waste of time and energy, drop it.

btw, I absolutely love your blog. It's the only one on here that I read every single one of.

re: A Whole New World

superblondgirl — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 19:56:19 GMT

Mine's in kindergarten now, after 2 years of preschool, and I still feel the same way - how can you invite the whole class to a birthday party? How can you afford Chuck-E-Cheese for 20 kids? My yard is a tiny apartment yard, my house is a tiny apartment, my budget is "hi mom, can you buy party favors for W's party?" and homemade cake. I just don't fit in with the other moms.

re: A Whole New World

Katherine — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 19:44:15 GMT

There is no hard and fast rule about the birthday thing. Don't invite the whole class. There's definitely no need. Go with a few children and don't make it a 'party' but make it more like a fun play date or something. Way less pressure for everyone. Although you may feel like Archer is getting a lot older, he's still young and doesn't really know about birthday parties with 15-20 people and isn't expecting one.

re: A Whole New World

Chulamama — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 19:27:33 GMT

Ahhhh ... did I write this ???

As I picked my 4 year old babe up today and stood on the sideline while others gathered and chatted about mom duties ... all i wanted was to hug my lil' one ....

The beauty of being a kid is ... having fun ... being carefree ...and doing what comes natural ... and all us mama's should follow our kids cues ... RELAX : Have fun and know if we love em' enough : they are doing fine.

You blogged this beautifully ! (is that a word ! ) ha !

Noelle

-chulamamama

re: A Whole New World

Laura in SC — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 18:37:38 GMT

I have a four year old son. He's in 4k at a methodist church pre-school. All I can say to your post is "Amen, I feel your pain!!!!!!" Geez.