My Plan Hath Backfired

re: My Plan Hath Backfired

Just a friend sucks!! — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 14:59:00 GMT

To Just a Friend: (aka Judgey Judgerson)

You should give your head a shake...how can you say that Rebecca shouldn't spend time with her son? Also, why do you care so much what someone else is doing? You made me so angry, I had to write something. We all read and support Rebecca and she was spilling her heart to us and then you have to shit all over it. I rarely say this, but i think i hate you.

re: My Plan Hath Backfired

EG — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 03:25:20 GMT

Well, by the time it's over it'll be a lesson well learned!

re: My Plan Hath Backfired

the weirdgirl — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 21:00:56 GMT

I am having the same issue with my son. Pulled him out for "summer break" and suddenly I'm that bitch who's keeping him in lock up. We're still having fun and all, but he obviously wants more peer activity than we can do right now.

I've also heard that little boys go through a testosterone surge right around three. Some worse than others. And it certainly shows in the tantrums we've seen around here!

re: My Plan Hath Backfired

Tracey — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 13:15:47 GMT

Quick note to "just a friend"- I don't understand your logic at all. Clearly Archer and his mom are already very much bonded, so I don't see how there is any danger of "becoming more bonded" just by spending time together before the new baby. Kids get new siblings everyday and adjust well in many different ways. I don't get the feeling that Archer is some delicate hothouse flower whose tender psyche will be crushed if he spends some solid time with mom. At the most his routine is upside down, but kids survive that too. He's going to be fine. He has good parents who will see him through all of the changes with flying colors.

As for the what the school will and won't allow: parents are consumers of school systems and the schools do not dictate how we parent unless they suspect abuse, and that is hardly the case here.

re: My Plan Hath Backfired

GirlsGoneChild — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 05:54:58 GMT

Ah, Kate -- thank you for your words. And Alexa? I love you. Adore you. Thank you.

re: My Plan Hath Backfired

Alexa Young — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 05:25:30 GMT

Just a Friend clearly needs a new handle. (And the "too close to home" comment is just aggro and evil and wrong! May I be so bold as to suggest "Just a Frenemy"...sorry, shameless plug of sorts. :-)

BUT HERE'S THE REAL REASON FOR MY POST!

Bec: Having observed you and Archer first-hand, several times since you first became preggo with #2 in fact, I've not only been impressed with how independent Archer has become--but also with how close the two of you remain. I know the chaotic moments and tantrums probably feel even more pronounced right now, but I still see a boy who loves his mommy--not just as his protector and provider but very much as the person he likes to be with most.

I'm not discounting the way you're feeling about your relationship right now at all...just saying that, from where I'm sitting, you guys are doing great. Seriously. I've seen kids Archer's age go absolutely CRAZY ANTI-MOMMY when there's another baby due and, at least from what I've seen, you and the little man are still super-tight and will probably only become moreso after little F arrives!

XOXOXOXO

re: My Plan Hath Backfired

Kate — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 03:07:12 GMT

OK, I totally wasn't going to comment, but Just a Friend you need to Just Back Off. It is summer and Archer is going back to school soon. My daughter is almost five and imagine that, she has the summer off before kindergarten, when she will start school again (before Labor Day even) and resume her speech therapy. Quality time with mom and dad can be just as important as socializing and schedules!!

For Rebecca -- we often have a "recovery" day after a couple busy days or even before a trip so Lexi knows it is a day to relax, maybe just go to the library ...

And it is a hard age, I just went to our Six Flags today with a friend and her two, who are an almost 4 drama queen and a 2 year old drama queen junior. They were good overall, but totally different from my laid-back one. And it was hot walking around with everyone, that is for sure!! Plus I am about 20 weeks pregnant and had the whole am I ready for lugging around two fears myself today!!

re: My Plan Hath Backfired

GirlsGoneChild — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 17:46:51 GMT

My child goes to normal preschool. He always has. I've written about it at length, actually in posts like "Fast Times at Montessori School"...

(Yes the state of CA paid for his school until he was three because of his speech delay. That's how Regional Center works.) We pay for his school now that he's over three. Again, you're spending far too much time explaining yourself to people who don't care. And I'm spending far too much time explaining myself to you. Oy vey.

re: My Plan Hath Backfired

just a friend — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 14:08:02 GMT

OK - the reason I wrote "allowed" about the school is based on what she has written, it seem her son attends a theraputic nursery school which is paid for by the state of California. These schools do not get paid if the children are not there. Also, schools like this generally feel strongly that the child will lose gains in learned skills if they have a long absence from school, which is why the schools are in session over the summer. It's not a normal preschool situation. I'm a special ed preschool teacher, so this is something I'm fairly familiar with.

re: My Plan Hath Backfired

bitemycookie — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 02:43:02 GMT

lovey, he's kicking your ass because you're about to crowd him. he knows it. he feels it. fifi was the same way. he loves you and you love him. now send him back to school and let him have his routine and his expectations met all day long. he's allowing you the distance you need to get to know little luella maggie aesop prada mc isaacson. after the chaos comes the easy bits. and really effective birth control.

i adore thee.

re: My Plan Hath Backfired

Candes — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 22:09:01 GMT

Wow! "... the school ALLOWING you..." is hysterical! Who made them God? Your friendly post isn't even in this universe. This person strikes me as having no children if not TWO.

At 2 1/2 it was all about me craving the assurance that my son still needed me as I was facing bringing son #2 into the world. As a mother I stepped aside (and continue you to do so) to let my son become independent. I relish the moments when he cries for me or seeks ME out for anything. I beam w/ pride when he makes his own conclusions and accomplishments.

Rebecca - Tucker acted the same way as my time drew near to have his brother. Change was coming and he knew it. It even spilled over in to school. His teachers put the two together. It wasn't like Tucker to behave that way.

Hang in there.

re: My Plan Hath Backfired

Jill — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 19:56:33 GMT

It's probably for the best. Boys whose moms are their best friends just might grow up to dabble in taxidermy while running a decrepit motel.

re: My Plan Hath Backfired

just a friend — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 19:11:02 GMT

I guess my post hit too close to home!

re: My Plan Hath Backfired

GirlsGoneChild — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 17:28:27 GMT

True that.

And to "Just a Friend" (HA!) re: "the school ALLOWING me" to take Archer out for a month. It's summer, dude. Half of the kids at school are out summering in France or wherever. Summer school is OPTIONAL. Taking him out of school for a month in the summer isn't some crazy thing. In fact, I took him out of a class that had literally five kids left in it for the summer months. If he was in elementary school and/or I didn't put him in preschool so early (at 2.5) he wouldn't be in school right now anyway.

But thank you for looking out for what's best for my son's poor "sake." So "friendly" of you.

re: My Plan Hath Backfired

renee — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 15:04:30 GMT

It could be combination of just being 3 and feeling anxiety about the baby. I have no doubt that after she's born, Archer will take a lot of emotions out on you. It sucks, but it beats the alternative (taking it out on the baby). As for being 3, my favorite child development books (Ames and Ilg) say for 3-year-olds, their best advice is to get a babysitter for as much of the time as possible. Not so much to give you a break (although you need it), but because his major task at this age is fighting with mom. Only when he's with someone else can he actually get around to learning, exploring, and being independent. School rules!

re: My Plan Hath Backfired

Emilie — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 13:44:44 GMT

@ just a friend- "Also, I can't believe the school allowed this." My eyes just rolled out of my head. Dude, he's 3. It's not like his mid-term marks on on the line here...

I thought it was a great idea & it's just a matter of finding a balance of activities that mom & little man are both comfortable with. Sounds like he does need more playtime with peers though. I can recall that as awesome a Princess Laia as my mom tried to be, I much preferred it when a friend did. For some reason Mom Laia was always trying to get Luke Skywalker to build forts while she did the dishes and made grilled cheese sandwiches....

Good luck, Bec!

re: My Plan Hath Backfired

jaelithe — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 13:42:29 GMT

His change in behavior might be, too, because he senses the imminent arrival of the usurper.

My mother tells me I was positively impossible in the month before my little sister was born (and I was home full-time at the time).

I'm glad Archer has such a good time at school, though. It sounds like a great school.

re: My Plan Hath Backfired

Candace — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 13:24:28 GMT

Well I've taken care of other people's kids for the past 10 years (and now pregnant with my first) and professionally speaking this is totally normal behavior.

Some kids (and I mean most) have a terrible time adjusting to change. Just give him a couple of weeks and he will come around.

Some of the kids I have taken care of fall into a depressive, manic slump when they go on break from school and it takes weeks to get them out of it.

I know one boy who would cry and throw these monstrous tantrums whenever school would let out for summer, it was a total nightmare. It didn't matter what amazing thing I had planned for him, he would totally break down like a crazed person when we tried to leave the house and this is a boy who I had taken care of for 5 years.

These tantrums can be trying but it is best to give him space and time and I promise he will come around.

Good luck.

re: My Plan Hath Backfired

just a friend — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 10:33:31 GMT

I also wondered about this when you first wrote about it. It seemed to me that it was much more about what you wanted, not what Archer would want. What would be good about having him become more attached to you and then you not being as available to him (while you are caring for the baby)? The period leading up to the birth of your second should be spent fostering his independence, not trying to get more attached to him, otherwise becoming a big brother is going to be much more difficult. Also, I can't believe the school allowed this. I'm sorry it's not going well, but I wish you would consider putting him back in school - for his sake, not your own.

re: My Plan Hath Backfired

Lindsee — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 02:26:53 GMT

I know how you feel. My son did really great up until the few weeks before my daughter was born. I think they know or figure out we can't wrangle them as easily so they talk back or fight harder to get their way because in the end, I only had the energy to fight until I was crying.

In my case, it was only the beginning of the real battle. The first week after my daughter was born, my son became another kid. He was the kid you see out in public and think to yourself - oh thank god my child is not like that kid. Yes my usual angel was not heaven sent that week. Fortunately, (at least for now) that's all better and he's already through that initial adjustment period (my daughter is now 3 weeks old).

It's all worth it in the end. (keep repeating to yourself)

re: My Plan Hath Backfired

Tracey — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 02:19:01 GMT

When you shared this plan in the blog, I had misgivings, but didn't want to rain on parades and such. It's all about the routine! Too much change is stressful for little people, old people, tired people, all kinds of people! Routines are comforting and allow people who may not have a lot of control in their lives feel a measure of certainty about what will happen next. With the new babe on the way, Archer is already experiencing and anticipating many changes, soonemore may have been a bit much.

My son is 2 and I know he gets bored at home when it's just us after awhile. After all, humans used to live in groups, where kids had tons of peers and caregivers around. Now we have 1 kid in a big house with his parents and it's freakin' boring. There was no such thing as a playdate once upon a time! *waves cane around*

What a beautiful effort though. You get big props for being such a good mama.

re: My Plan Hath Backfired

Diane — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 00:55:36 GMT

You get major bonus points for even trying. Daycare was my saving grace when I was pregnant with my second. I found that my daughter was bored at home and, just as you found out, I just didn't have the engery to try and entertain her all day every day. She needed her peers and the structure of daycare. I know she's a better child because of it. I'm sure the same can be said for your son.

re: My Plan Hath Backfired

K. — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 00:36:15 GMT

I am a regular reader over at GGC. I usually never comment but you brought back a memory long since repressed.

I was very pregnant and trying to get my three and a half year old strapped into his seat while he screamed, kicked, and hit me. It was his first day of preschool and he did NOT want to go home. I had to drag him out from underneath a table, carry him to the car as he flailed about and use all of my strength to hold him down to get him in his seat.

Up until that day he had never behaved in such a way. Sure there were the 2 year old tantrums, but never hitting and kicking - especially in my direction.

I was in shock and must have looked a mess out there on the street halfway in the car with one leg over my son's lap, one hand blocking hits and the other trying to do straps that just weren't meant to be done with only one hand. And I cried the entire time. Because my feelings were hurt. Because I was embarrassed and felt like a failure. Because I was soon going to have two kids and how could I manage that when I could barely manage one.

So he and I cried together in the car for a while as the other perfect preschool moms walked past, trying to look as if they didn't notice.

But if they had said something it would probably be the same thing I'm saying to you. We've all been there, struggling with our children and our emotions at the same time. I suppose their right of passage is our own.

And, um, yeah, thanks for taking me back to that awful day ;)

re: My Plan Hath Backfired

Clueless But Hopeful Mama — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 21:15:19 GMT

Love this post for all its gritty honesty! Isn't it just like motherhood (one hand giveth, the other taketh away) that just when you most want lovey one on one time with Archer, he's not having it. ARG.

ps. The pony rides and the train at Griffith Park are favorites of ours. One of these days we are going to run into you somewhere. Does it freak you out when your blog fans approach you?!?!

re: My Plan Hath Backfired

Jen — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 21:06:11 GMT

You know, my friends and I all went through this with our toddler during the last few weeks of pregnancy. It's like either they pick up mom's grumpiness, or they know life is going to change for the crazy in a few weeks time.

Can't believe how big Archer is getting. I hate how shorter 'dos make your child look so much more mature and grown up than they really are, or rather, should be. Sniff!