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Straight From the Bottle

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  • True Mom Confession: Sesame Street is my Snooze Button

    I'm not a big TV person. I have my four shows: Big Love, Entourage, Lost and Project Runway and the occasional bad reality moment: Son's of Hollywood for instance, which I have decided is the greatest reality TV show of all-time. Randy Spelling kissing his father's star on the Walk of Fame in memoriam? Sean Stewart calling himself "A Ferrari Body with Jetta Brain...?" These are two moments in a million best-of-hits. But anyway...

     

    I would gladly delete every single one of my shows from TIVO to insure we have an infinite amount of Sesame Streets and Play With me Sesame(s) ready to rock at all time. Those are Archer's shows. His ONLY shows. And they have become my only salvation after anything less than four hours of sleep.

     

    I realize I have publicly admitted to being a morning person since becoming a mom but I totally lied. (Sorry, Babycenter.) I suck at getting up before 8am, especially because I'm usually not asleep until after 3. And anytime before 7:00? Forget about it, which is why, now that Archer is getting up at 6:30, I have had to make some  "arrangements."

     

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  • Your Baby. My Lap. Not Cool.

    Last night I had a baby on my lap for a five-hour flight, which wouldn't be weird, except the baby wasn't mine. Before I get snarky, let me start by saying that I, like most mothers am sensitive to my fellow child-bearers, especially on flights. And I was looking forward to getting to know the little cutie seated on her mother's lap beside me, especially because after being away from Archer for five days, I missed him terribly.
     

    But there was a reason I didn't bring him with me and had he been there, there would also be a reason for me to get him his own seat on the airplane. Because D-to the-UH! Toddlers are not designed to sit on mama's lap for five hours.

     

    I, like most airplane passengers do not look forward to long flights in cramped spaces, but even worse than a long flight in a cramped space is a long flight in a cramped space with a child's feet in your face. Someone else's child. I also do not look forward to wrestling tampons from the little hands of children whose mothers pretend to be asleep. And believe it or not? When I buy a five-dollar bag of goldfish crackers, after not being able to eat for an entire day, I actually want to EAT THEM. I do not want to give them away because SOMEBODY forgot to bring their child a snack.

     
    Fortunately after polishing off my dinner, little "Allie" fell asleep. On me. Her shoes digging into my ribs for another four and half hours. But the worst part about it was the mother. She said nothing. No thank you. No "sorry my daughter is chewing on your Louis Vuitton bag..." No, "thank you for helping me search for pacifiers on your hands-and-knees during turbulence." No NOTHING.

     

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About the Blogger

rebecca woolf

Rebecca Woolf in LA

Who says becoming a mom means succumbing to laser tattoo removal and moving to the suburbs? This young writer and mother of one gives it to you Straight From the Bottle.

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