Nunus and Babas
Every night Fable takes her bottle. She curls up next to me,
puts her hand against my face, eyes rolling back in her head and sucks
away. She does the same thing before nap every afternoon. And
occasionally, has a third bottle when she wakes in the middle of the
night.
“She’s getting old for that bottle,” people tell me.
“Might be time to call it quits. Trade the bottle for a sippy cup. She’s
going to be two soon…”
“Yeah. I know. You’re right,” I hear
myself say but to myself I’m saying, “No! You’re actually not right at
all. Yes, she’s going to be two soon. Two. TWO. Let the baby be a baby,
please. I mean, sheesh louishe. What’s the rush?”
Up until the eve of his fifth birthday, Archer slept with a pacifier. A “nunu” as he called it. He had no need for it outside of his bed, but when it came time to say goodnight, he reached onto the bedstand, plucked the pacifier from its place beside the stereo and stuck it in his mouth, his eyes closing, closing… BAM. Asleep.
We figured, it wasn’t hurting anyone letting him sleep with it so we let it go. Until he turned four and we sat him down to discuss that the time had come to say goodbye to his nunu.
“You’re getting older, dude. Maybe it’s time you think about giving up the nunu at bedtime. What do you say?”
“I’m not ready,” he said. “But when I’m five? When I’m five I won’t need it anymore.”
Pretty soon “five” became the age when everything was possible.
“I’ll try pasta salad when I’m five.”
“I’ll eat brocolli when I’m five.”
“I’ll do swimming lessons when I’m five.”
“I’ll be a better listener..”
He had decided that “age five” was when everything would change for him. It was his “grown-up” age and we went with it. We went with it because he had us and himself convinced.
I never understood the push. It’s not our style as parents, I guess and although we think it’s important to set rules and boundaries, our focus is on raising kind, confident, independent humans, with or without bottles and pacifiers before bed. AKA, we pick our battles.
(ED: Archer’s dentist said that “Archer sleeping with a pacifier was fine and wouldn’t at all affect his teeth, orthodontics, etc.)
No one can deny that all children are different. That each child walks and talks and sleeps through the night at different ages and stages. Fable never took a pacifier and Archer weaned from bottles at nine-months. When he was ready. Because, eventually they all become ready. Ready to crawl and walk and poop in the toilet. Ready to say goodbye to their pacifiers, bottles, blankies. (I slept with my blankie until High School.) So? We don’t push. We discuss, sure. We introduce alternatives but we do not force or push or take away.
Archer needed some extra time to say goodbye to his nunu. So? He got it. And if Fable needs some extra time with her baba? That’s okay, too. Because letting go is one of life’s most important lessons. Every day a part us dies and giving a child the opportunity to “quit” their first (harmless) “vices” is an important lesson in self-discipline me thinks.
I figure, much like with Archer’s pacifier, same will go for Fable. One day she won’t want a bottle before bed anymore. She won’t need one. She’ll be done with all that. She, with our help, will be able to prepare herself for a new bottle-less life and that will be the end of our milk-stained-sheets-period.
The day before Archer turned five he reminded us that “this will be the last night I will ever sleep with my nunu. Tomorrow it will disappear and I won’t need it anymore.”
He was right. The next morning, Archer woke up five-years old, polished off an entire bowl of pasta salad with brocolli for lunch, happily accompanied me to swim lesson sign-ups and never, ever once asked for his nunu again.
***
Thanks so much for this. Doctors, friends, everyone keeps telling me that I shouldn’t let my daughter have a bottle anymore (she’s almost 1). It breaks my heart to hear her cry for her bahbee, so I let her have it. Reading this makes me feel a lot less guilty!
I’ll never understand the arbitrary goal ages that people set up for their kids. Yeah, some are important to development, like motor skills and speech, but how can you decide that at this exact moment your child MUST meet this expectation or else. Or else what? Go through fighting and kicking and screaming battles over every little thing?
I’m glad to see that you let your children be who they want to be and make these small decisions for themselves. Their opinions are just as valuable as any grown up.
Thank you! My daughter is 16 months and still takes 3 bottles a day – before bed, before nap and first thing in the morning. In most cultures, breastfeeding continues well past this age. I weaned my daughter from the breast for a variety of reasons, but I am unwilling to take away this comfort from my BABY! She lays beside me or in my arms for every bottle and it is a nurturing, bonding experience, unlike sitting in a high chair drinking from a sippy cup. Neither of us is ready to give it up and we might not for a long time.
So true. Can’t believe how many people think it is their place to make comments about other people’s kids. And especially when they make the comment to the child, but are really making it to the parent, like “Come on now ______, you are too big a girl/boy to still have a pacifier – those are for babies.” – Makes me want to scream!!!
My daughter is 3, and sometimes she still will get her bottle out (I have 1 left) and drink her warm milk out of it….and my 8 year old son (ssshhhhh…..he would kill me if he knew I was writing this) still likes warm milk out of a sippy cup…..AND I LET THEM DO THAT! Because I love them and I don’t think it hurts a damn thing!
Love your posts soooo much – have followed you for awhile – thanks for sharing.
Beautiful!
Your posts always reassure me that I am not alone. My son had his “fire” til he was 3. My daughter is 18 months and still has a bottle when she wakes up and when she goes down for the night. And I always feel so ashamed as a parent when other people tell me they are too old for certain things.
My husband works nights and so I let both my children sleep in bed with me. It makes them feel secure and helps me sleep a little better knowing that they are right there and not across the hall. I relate it to pack animals.
Again thanks for the always encouraging posts. This is one I will share with many others.
Right On, Sister!
I really don’t understand the rush from so many parents, doctor’s, noisy people who can’t mind their own bussiness, ect.. to strip away the comfort objects of small children. As infant we encourage these objects so that they can learn how not to need us to comfort them and then as soon as the get really get good at using said object to soothe themselves and relax we try to take it away from them and make them feel bad because they want it. Really i think it’s a little sadistic.
My kid is 16 months old, she wouldn’t take a binkie, and doesn’t have a toy she’s ever clung too, but when she’s tired, or upset she either wants to nurse, or have a bottle, and there is no way i’m going to let anyone tell me that i need to take those things away from her. She will give it up when she’s ready. I mean really, it’s not like you’ve ever seen a 12 year old have a melt down and demand a bottle.
I was a 4.0 student who skipped two grades. And I sucked my thumb regularly until I was 19. (Hmm, now that I’m thinking, maybe I kept sucking my thumb because I was moving too fast other places.) My mom verbally encouraged me to stop, but never made me. She always said I’d stop when I was ready. Or I wouldn’t, but that was okay.
Flash forward to now. My daughter is almost four. She never sucked her thumb, ever. Her constant companion is a stuffed rabbit. He’s welcome to stay as long as she wants him.
I can’t say crap to my kid because I’m a 30 year old woman that can’t sleep unless I’ve got my bear.
That said my kid is huge. He’s been the size of or bigger than most 1 year olds since he was almost 5 months old. Because people who don’t know him always suspect he’s older than he is I get all kinds of comments about how he shouldn’t have a bottle any more or how could he still have his pacifier. See it’s hindering his speech and he can’t say anything!
Of course he can’t he’s 7 mos old for pete’s sake! Partly because he’s so big and also because infancy is only so long he can keep them as long as he wants. People are always going to expect more from him because he looks older, I want him to have a few things that remind him and the world he’s still just a little guy at heart.
I just weaned my daughter last month, she was 27 months old, so don’t feel bad and don’t worry about what other people say.
Here, here! Thanks for making me stand up and cheer Rebecca, I love it! Great Post. I LOVE this line: So? We don’t push. We discuss, sure. We introduce alternatives but we do not force or push or take away.” Great advice for issues such as these.
You are great! (This is your Nana talking.)
Aw, thanks Nana! YOUR’E GREAT!
My son did the same with potty training … “when I’m 3 … ” became his mantra. We reinforced it, reminded him, and when he turned 3 … we went cold turkey, and he did really well. Maybe because he felt that he was in control.
I whole-heartedly agree … I was a “late bloomer” in most things. But, one day, I’d wake up and POOF I got it. Driving a stick shift … learning how to high jump … and most importantly, deciding when it was time to take the next step in relationships … people should not be rushed into things before they are comfortable. period.
When I was a kid, my favorite book was Leo the Late Bloomer by Robert Kraus and Jose Aruego. Fantastic book about letting change come to you … rather than searching it out. Fantastic lessons!!
De-lurking to say hi – I love your posts and your attitude.
I was one of those people who listened to all the frowny-nosey-judgertons, and weaned my daughter off her bedtime bottle when she was 2. Already feeling guilty that it was so “late”.
She now refuses to drink milk out of a sippy cup (or any regular cup). So I’m now constantly offering yogurt, cheese, calcium-enriched orange juice + apple sauce. Before I never had to worry about it because she got a minimum of a 10-ounce bottle of milk a day, plus all the yogurt and cheese she wanted. Now I’m like the calcium-police and stress about it all the time.
She also uses a “binky” regularly. People judge me on it all the time. This time I’m letting HER tell me when she’s ready to give it up – because screw it. And “them”.
my entire parenting sphincter just completely relaxed reading this. love it. thank you!
My 4yr old is going to be a good listener, no winning, etc all when she is 5…or 7 now that 5 is getting too close for her comfort.
My kids were both off bottles at 1, but have other vices. Big kid’s vice was mama, she couldn’t sleep without me. I nursed her until she was done (18m). Stupid people were outraged, but I figured she’s stop sometime before her first sleepover (that would be awkward).
The 19m old may well be taking her “big blankie” to college…
Good for you!!!…is what I have to say! I am still breastfeeding my 15 mo. old with no end in sight and from time to time I have to remind myself the same things that you have written, he is still a baby It is difficult at times to live in a society where people constantly question your decisions as a parent. But to them I say….have your own children and raise them however you want! So once again, GOOD FOR YOU!
I love this post! My 4 yr old also thinks that 5 is the magical age when she will be a grown up and can do new things / give things up.
I’m tired of society telling us when we should do “xyz” when it comes to our kids. We are the parents and our job is to help our children become amazing people. However we get there should be our own business…for the most part.
I think the biggest lesson in all of this is that people, in general, need a big dose of “shut the fuck up”. I mean, really, who are these crazy-ass people who tell YOU how YOU should raise your kids?! We’ve all been there, sure. The voices inside our head whisper, “hmm, that kid looks a little old to be ______”. But you don’t VOICE it to the parents! I’m a mom of 2 and every day I’m reminded how different my kids are. And you know what? It’s soooo wonderful. My son did everything/gave everything up on his own. And my daughter? Well, she’s almost 3.5 years old and I swear she’ll be going to Kindergarten in diapers! All in time, all in time…
My oldest turned two this past February and he still insists on having a bottle to go to bed. It relaxes him. I don’t see the harm in it. He doesn’t walk around all day with a bottle hanging out of his mouth and I doubt he’ll still want it when he’s six or maybe even three. He’ll let it go when he’s ready. You’re totally right.
My baby is 18 years old. I wish I had the days all of you are talking about back. I miss them. I was stupid and took his bottel away at 12 mo. Well kind of. I gave him the bottel but put a soft sipply tip that was like a nipple to get him started on weening him. He fussed one nap and that was it. Took the gigi (pacifier) away at 19 months when he started sleeping in a full size bed… he then started out in his bed but soon learned to come to one of us to be put in our bed in the middle of the night until he couldn’t fit anymore and I was ok with that. He will come lay between us every once in a while when we are watching something in our room. I’m lucky he will still let me hug and kiss him even in front of friends.
He goes off to college next semeters. sniff sniff. he will only be 30 minutes away but still… my baby is leaving he mama. I could cry thinking about it. ENJOY THESE KIDS! You and Hal are wonderful parents from the glimpes you show us. We enjoyed Blake but again I think I pushed him to much to grow up to fast.
My son only had a bottle at nap and bedtime…until he was almost 3! People kept saying I should take it away, but untold them they were crazy. With the bottle, he would fall asleep in 27.2 seconds. And then I would sneak in and take it away…to avoid any dental issues. And then nearing his 3rd birthday, because he was starting full time school in the fall and couldn’t take a bottle to school with him! He was in a twin bed at 22 months, but had his bottle till almost 3. And surprise, surprise, once the baba went bye bye…naps were fewer and father between.
my son took a bottle until he was 4. maybe a little extreme but i was young and didn’t see the problem. i know others around me did. my daughter is now 16 months and still takes a bottle. people will comment about getting her off it but i just say that with my first he had it till 4 so i think if she is done with it before then we will be doing good. it’s hard not to feel the pressure from others though. and of course the ones that are most verbal about their opinions had children (supposedly) who were off the bottle & out of diapers earlier than seems possible.
I think I’ve had it easy with my 2 boys – I breastfed them until they were 1, then they had the bottle for a couple of months and then onto the sippy cup and quickly to normal cups. It always just happened that way, without any ‘training’ or negotiating. I figure once they’re all 30 it won’t matter how long they had the pacifier or the bottle.
Your posts bring tears to my eyes every time I read them. You are able to put in words everything I feel. My favorite part was “It’s not our style as parents” referring to pushing your child towards something until they are ready. Amen, sister.
xoxo
As a huge proponent of “parents doing what is right for their family supporter and to hell with anyone else”, I don’t mean to be the lone dissenter in the crowd.
However, as a Public Health Nurse I have seen some pretty serious cases of tooth decay and mouth infections in toddlers who have a night bottle. Obviously all types of parents and parenting decisions should be supported- in the context of having as much information as possible. In the spirit of providing information the American Dental Association has a good overview: http://www.ada.org/3109.aspx
Great post. I wrote on Monday about my feelings of failure as a mom. Many of them are because I spent too long to people telling me what I was ‘supposed’ to do instead of just listening to my own instincts…do this post resonated with me. I think you are a great example of what we as moms need to do more of. We need to just be ourselves and do what we feel works. No rules. Just life.
Amen! We just got our three year old off the pacifier. Like with Archer it was a bedtime thing and we had no problem with it. Secretly I was embarrassed to ever mention this to any friends. It’s really sad that we don’t cut ourselves some slack.
So, I’m, like, dying right now because my 12 week old, who I’ve swaddled since we brought her home from the hospital, may or may not be experiencing a delay in motor skills because I’d kept her arms at her side whilst sleeping at night and during naps. My husband, of course, doesn’t notice a problem and thinks I’m crazy. (That’s his usual response to everything I worry about and he’s usually right.) But, she has very little interest in her hands and doesn’t really reach out for things. Again, he thinks she does. I’m seriously losing sleep over this – dying inside, I think. How do you keep so cool and calm about these developmental milestones? Can I have a bit of what you’re drinking? (UGH!)
I still use a binky.
I agree completely. My three-year-old still sleeps with her “sucky” and still drinks milk (from a no-spill sippy cup) every night before bed. Sometimes she calls me at 4 a.m. for a refill and I’m happy to retrieve it for her. It’s such a short short time that they get to be little kids. She’ll let them go when she’s ready, and until them I’m not even a little tiny bit stressed out about it.
My mother sucked her thumb until she was 14. I sucked mine until I was 12. My eldest daughter just quit at age 6 and my almost 3 year old is still doing it. Whatev. Who’s it hurting?
I totally agree with you. Mine gave it up around the age of two. And even though we seemed to gather attention every where we’d go, I refused to care. It worked for her, it worked for me and my husband, so screw everyone else. And frankly I love the look in their eyes when they are taking a bottle. I don’t know what it is.. but it just kills me!
My daughter is 3.5 now and still drinks from a sippy. We’ve been encouraging her to use a big girl cup (and that’s all she’s allowed to use at daycare so I know she can), but I know at home the sippy is a comfort so we don’t push.
Emma and Fable are the same age and she still loves her baba, and she doesn’t sleep through the night. It works for us and it works for her, and when it no longer does I guess we will change it. They are still babies and sometimes they need a little extra comfort in this big, crazy, scary world. She also nursed until she was 16 months and would have continued if I weren’t pregnant.
All kids are different, and all parents have the right to parent as they see fit. I totally support people’s decision to raise their kids as they wish, would be nice to have some of that support back!
I have two sons, one is 4 1/2 and the other just turned 2. Oldest gave up binky at 16 months no problem. Youngest is totally attached to his. We hadn’t really been too concerned about it, but now we are way more strict about it. He can have it during nap and beditime but not during the day. His speech has been delayed and one of the main reasons is the binky. He won’t talk when he has it. So while I’m all for letting the kid grow and give up these things naturally, I also think if it is causing a problem we need to address the problem. Sometimes that will mean removing the binky or whatever before they are 100% ready.
Thanks for this. Currently potty training and having a REALLY hard time not being pushy. I know that my daughter knows when she has to go. If she would Just! Get! On! The! Damn! Toilet! All she is learning from my behavior, however, is that I am totally not in control. And here I was hoping she wouldn’t figure that out until she was AT LEAST 13…
As an extended breastfeeder, I feel the same about bottles and pacifiers… who says they are ready at the magical age of 12 months and 1 day? I nurse usually until past two, why would it be any different to have a bottle or pacifier past two?
It’s comfort, and every person has their own timing. That’s how I feel about it, at least!
Steph
Thank you for posting this! I feel very much the same way: we have our entire LIVES to be adults and old: what’s the big rush?
Sometimes I think all of these arbitrary, “they should be beyond x by now” deadlines are vestiges of a “toughen-them-up” mentality. As though people are afraid of allowing children their vulnerabilities, even in their own bed, in their own house, when it doesn’t hamper anything. Maybe many of us in the culture are afraid of admitting our own vulnerabilities as well and our need for comfort.
I sucked my thumb until I was 10 yrs old and DID in fact bring my “little pillow” to college with me. (I joked with my mom that I planned on bringing it on my honeymoon too.) Yes I needed braces but like you said, pick your battles. Now I have extra pretty teeth
@Jen – has a doctor told you that your daughter is having a delay? If not, then please breathe deeply. Those milestones are guidelines, ranges. Some kids do things a little earlier, some later. I would guess if you let her be unswaddled for some time every day she will catch up quickly. She’s not practicing her motor skills when she’s sleeping, so go ahead and wrap her. My girls are 10 years old and 7 years old now. These week by week milestones fade into the background pretty quickly. You’re doing okay.
FOR JEN RE: SWADDLING: if it helps, my son could not sleep without the swaddle until 9 months old. He was a little “late” in rolling over I think due to the swaddle but he sat up at 6 mo., crawled at 10 mo. and walked totally independently at 13 mo. SOME KIDS JUST NEED IT AND THAT’S OK
My son turned three last month and still nurses at nap time and bedtime. I know that this is a big deal to a lot of people and have even heard people call it child abuse. Before I had a child I really thought it odd to let a child nurse after one year but having one completely changed my feelings on this. This was a real instance where I started listening to my instincts and not what society was telling me. I started doing research just to make sure I was not emotionally damaging my child, as some people were saying. I discovered that the average age a child stops nursing worldwide when allowed to self wean is three or four.
I know in my heart that this is not child abuse, but a wonderful gift I give to my son everyday. Sure, sometimes it is not easy and I want my body back for myself… but those times are fleeting. The rest of the time I am just so glad that I can give him something that makes him feel so secure, loved and relaxed.
So I am just letting him self wean knowing that he will not be nursing when he is sixteen.
Good call. My daughter had a bedtime bottle until she was three and a half (we did switch to water so it wouldn’t affect her teeth). Kids all mature differently so keep doing what you’re doing and ignore the “helpful advice” from others.
PS… I had a blankie until college too.
You know what…I just weaned my 2 year old from nursing, literally three days ago. In March (when he turned 2) he was still nursing to sleep AND waking up in the middle of the night to nurse once, and also before a nap. Everyone was telling me it was weird, I needed to wean him, they couldn’t believe I was STILL nursing, etc etc. But, I had attempted to wean certain feedings and he screamed, and cried like I was killing him. I decided he wasn’t ready, and I wasn’t ready to torture him like that, even if it only lasted a few days. When I was getting signs he was ready we tried it again, dropping one feeding at a time, the first being the middle of the night. Guess what, it wasn’t a fight. Then came the before bed feeding, and it was a tiny bit more difficult, but not bad. Then the nap, a little more clinging, but after two days he was fine. Finally, our morning routine has changed. He still asks me in the morning (it’s only been three days). “Nurse, peees?” but he accepts my answer and moves on to, “Toast, peees?” I feel so good about letting him go at his own pace, and he has been just fine through our three month “letting go.” I thought I would be done by the first of June, but I realized he needed a bit more time since he had some molars breaking through.
This was a beautiful post, and a great read! It was a gentle reminder that children in our society grow up much too fast. Thanks for it!
I am newly married and while my husband knew about my “wammy” blanket, I think he figured I would ditch it once we wed. Wrong, it’s still with me. Probably always will be. My Mom used to give me a hard time, but never took it away. And, I’m glad she didn’t. It’s just my little quirk.
So, way to be you. Way to let your kids be too.
My son is just a smidgen over 3. He still drinks whole milk.
Until very recently, like a month ago, he drank a bottle of it before bed daily, and before naps on the weekend. Now he wants it from a Born Free sippy cup (very bottle-esque), which he found in a drawer. And I am more than ok with this.
He snuggles with me, reading books until he has had enough milk and/or enough reading and asks to go into his bed. He drinks all %s of milk no problem (2%, 1%), and uses all sorts of cups just fine, but I really don’t see the need to rush him off his home wind-down routine until HE wants to change things.
Sometimes he decides that he wants just a few sips of milk, sometimes he wants a dixie cup of water. I just go with it. Toddlers need to feel like they have some control in their lives, so I check the reasonableness of his requests and try to honor them as much as possible.
We brush his teeth, so I am not concerned about the tooth decay. It’s just helped him so much with comfort and security.
He’s in daycare during the week while my husband and I both work, and I just don’t see what the big deal is letting him be a little boy at home who gets some extra fat & calories from a bottle/sippy cup of whole milk 1-2x/day when he is essentially being asked to be a “big kid” at Kindercare 5 days a week, playing hard and learning so, so much new stuff. And, in my opinion, he needs those extra calories for both his nutrition and his behavior/concentration at school.
He is so healthy and strong, and as long as he is healthy and is sleeping and eating well, I refuse to sweat it.
And I will rebut any argument to the contrary, and from anyone. It’s not a competition. We are supposed to be raising healthy, well-adjusted adults, aren’t we?!
Sorry but it is confusing to have part of this posted on your blog, then click the “more here” to have it be cut-and-pasted throughout the article…it’s like, ‘wait I read this part, no I didn’t? What?’ Maybe you could just post the first (complete) paragraph and then direct us here? Just a suggestion b/c I enjoy reading your writing!
I was lucky enough to have a mom that had a great pediatrician. He said, “no kid ever goes to kindergarten with a diaper,” “don’t take away the blankie and when they go to college, make it into a sports coat,” and the most repeated “no one compares when they were walking/talking/potty trained after the age of 5″
I have a pediatrician for my 22 month old daughter that has straight up told me that she should keep her bottle and diapers until her new brother arrives (any day now) and that she gets to decide when she wants to be done with them. I called last week in a panic because my daughter is forcing ME to potty train her. She makes me put her on the toilet and show her how its done. They are now reminding me I can’t keep her a baby forever and if she’s ready I can’t stop her.
My house is a lesson in control, I don’t have it and my daughter does.
I agree with letting your little ones decide when they’re ready to let go of certain “vices”.
That being said, I’m also the daughter of a dentist. The main reason most dentists and doctors suggest you ditch the bottle at 1 year is because that’s when the teeth are coming in/are already in. Drinking milk or juice from a bottle at bedtime and throughout the night is proven to cause tooth decay in young children.
If you want to give your child a bottle at naptime/bedtime, try using water instead. Then there’s no sugar to stick on the teeth and they can still sooth themselves to sleep with their bottle.
Just a suggestion.
Hallelujah! My son doesn’t have a pacifier because he just never liked it, but he is still nursing. He will be two tomorrow and I have no plans to wean him. He will wean himself when he’s ready. From the time they’re born, people want to push, push, push. Are they sleeping through the night? Are they ready for solid foods? Are they sitting up/crawling/walking? My god people, let them be! Unless there is a genuine developmental delay at play, just let them be babies. I personally had a pacifier until I was 5 and only gave it up then because they stopped making the kind I liked. My mom was going to send me to Kindergarten with it if it came to that. And somehow I still managed to grow up, get a Master’s degree and have a family of my own. It boggles the mind.
Aside from that, people need to learn how to mind their own business. I wholeheartedly agree with the commenter who talked about those people who say things like “Oh, aren’t you getting too big for that?” I could say the same thing to most women I see wearing short-shorts and tank tops, but I don’t because it’s rude. I foresee a battle with my MIL soon after hearing her mutter when my son asked to nurse, “Oh, you’re a big boy now.” Well, at 9 ½ pounds and 22 inches, he’s been a big boy since birth but that is unlikely to stop me from nursing anytime soon.
is her hand up your shirt and out the top?! that is adorable. if she stuck her arm in my sleeve i’d give her a bottle too
Honestly, I think most people who comment on the age of children in regards to pacis and bottles are mostly thinking about dental issues. I’m married to a man who is fiercly anti-sucking things. He basically was allowed to suck his pacifier until he was older and he ended up with a large overbite. For that reason, he says he will refuse to give our kids the pacifier. We’re not parents yet, so we’ll see how that actually works out. (-:
The other issue, as another commenter mentioned is tooth decay. My cousin took bottles at night until he was about 3 and when he went to the dentist, he had some decay and lots of cavities. It wasn’t an issue of dental hygiene–my aunt brushed his teeth twice a day–the dentist was concerned it was the bottle with the milk and juice. So she took him off it and it helped immensly.
So yah. I don’t think people are trying to mean if they make a comment about kid’s ages and their bottle/paci habits–I think they’re just thinking about the dental stuff.
Nobody is a bad parent if their child takes longer to get off the bottle or pacifier, or if they nurse their child past age two. Good parenting is what you’re doing–giving your child a choice, while also discussing that they will need to give it up.
Fable too OLD for a bottle?! Really…???? She’s not even two yet! Psshhh! Don’t listen to what other’s say. She is NOT too old!
I loved this: “…this will be the last night I will ever sleep with my nunu. Tomorrow it will disappear and I won’t need it anymore.”
What FOUR-year old says things like that?!
Apparently your son. Archer is so brilliant! =D
I love that you let your children guide you in what’s the right time for them so say goodbye to their, “baby-hood.” And how you don’t rush them. You’re a smart mama. ;o)
i heard someone say once that kids are not trains that must follow timetables for their departures and arrivals, and another person say that a fulfilled dependence blossoms on its own into a fulfilled independence. I like these ways of thinking. Thank you for writing about this – it gives me more courage to let my children take their time with the things that bring them comfort, with growing up. You are so gentle and respectful with your kids.
Just, yes.
Thank you Rebecca. My son is almost 2 and I keep thinking it is time to stop the night time milk. Now I don’t. It is our time. He drinks it from a sippy that resembles a bottle and we cuddle and rock for maybe 10 minutes. He is then ready to take his “night nap with puppy”. I don’t think either of us is ready to let go of this special time each night. He still asks for his “milk” just before bed. He may only have a bit, but it is his comfort and I will keep that in mind and let him let go when he is ready.
@Jen, what motor skills do people expect a baby to be developing when they’re supposed to be getting badly needed sleep? We swaddled until 6 months old because hands flying around at night kept our baby from sleeping for long stretches. Finally he became too good at getting out of it in his awake periods and we’d find him with the swaddle over his face. It was only muslin, but still we worried. When we transitioned from the swaddle to the sleep sack he was miserable! It was the worst night ever because we hadn’t realized that playing with, chewing on, and putting the swaddle over his face was soothing to him. We gave him a toy that was a mini blanket/stuffed animal and watch on the camera as he plays, chews, and puts the damn thing over his face. Then he goes to sleep.
Good luck!
I subscribe to the belief that children don’t have a checklist with deadlines on it that dictates when they should walk and talk and be potty trained and drink out of cups. I always tell people that as long as my kid doesn’t go off to college in diapers, then I did my job.
I also think that a lot of what kids do is very much under their own control. (I.e. The “I’ll do it when I’m five.”) Our pediatrician is pushing me to start potty training my 2 year old Little Man, and I told him that he’ll go on the potty when he’s good and ready. My daughter was ready at 2 to use the potty; my son isn’t even interested. Why force the issue?
I see lots of parents with questionable parenting techniques (or, rather, something I call “sit on your butt parenting”, while their child runs the show), but I keep my mouth shut. I wish everyone would keep their parenting opinions to themselves.
I figured once I had number 3 I would be more easy going and wouldn’t worry about milestones and what other people say. And to some extent I have, but really my freak outs happen on the inside. I remain silent on the outside. It is harder since number 1 was pretty much a text book baby. Now, number 3 is going to be one in 1.5 months and she is no where near crawling, pulling up, bringing herself to a sitting position, walking and just started eating solid foods about 2 months ago. Yes, I am silently freaking out, but I have put the wheels in motion to make sure nothing medically is wrong with her and preparing myself for those with their well meaning advice. Doesn’t mean I won’t be responding in a snarky way, silently…silently. *sigh*
Man, this is a perfect post for my own life right now. I took my daughter’s paci away a little after she turned 2 (almost 3 now) and it was because I thought she was getting overly attached during the day. Bedtimes became normal after about 1 week but naps were never the same even though she needed (still does) them like crazy. Recently we hit a snag with bedtime and I can’t figure out how to fix it. Now? After this post? I am considering giving her paci back to see if it will help just for bedtime. She gave up everything else on her own, why not let her with this too if it works?
I’m with you. My girly will be 2 in 4 days and still has a baba upon rising and before bed. She loves her babas and I don’t see the harm and neither does her doc as long as we brush her teeth after…..so what the big friggin deal?
If there is one thing I have learned in my almost 2 years of being a parent is that they’ll do it in their own time, on their own terms. Kind of made life easier once I accepted that and stopped all the pushing.
Thanks again for encouraging all of us… son still has a baba for breakfast at 2 1/2 and my family will not stop making remarks, but to each his own!!!
And really, what are you going to call your column once Fable gives up her bottle? Clearly, you will then need to produce that third child you are thinking about…
Best,
Katrin
currently pregnant with a third child
Thank you!
My son was 3, and his Grandma was visiting from out of town for Christmas and it ate her up that he had a bottle at bed. Being my third son I knew he would quit it when he was ready, but she convinced him to give it up on Christmas day. Christmas morning he woke up, and put it in the trash. ( I held onto it for a little while just in case ) but he was done with it much like Archer and his nunu. Aren’t kids great? They totally know.
I always smile when you comment about Fable caressing your cheek because my almost 3 year old settles down by rubbing our ear lobes. Guess they just need that human connection
Thank you, thank you, thank you! My 17-month-old still loves his bottle and doesn’t do very well with sippy cups, and I don’t feel the need to push him to do otherwise. I just weaned him from the breast and that was enough of a transition for the both of us. The cuddly bonding time is what I call our “happy hour.” Thank you for making me feel that it’s all right.
P.S. My Q also uses Green to Grow bottles!
http://flyrishforlife.blogspot.com/2010/06/fiesta-fiesta.html
My 21 month old is still nursing.
“…in my almost 2 years of being a parent…” LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!! Just wait sweetie!!!!!!!!!
Here was my rule while raising FOUR kids: “The people who still shit their pants don’t make the rules.” You take the bottle away by age one for a reason, to avoid disgusting, rotting teeth. The MAIN reason that mommy doesn’t want to “push” baby into doing anything, is because mommy is super lazy and refuses to deal with the mad fits. Also, get your brats out of your bed for Christ sake. Put their ass in a crib where they are safe. If they throw an epic fit a couple of times, oh well! We (you guys) are raising a generation of pussies.
my daughter will be two in august. we’re on day number four of no tatas…and I feel relief, but also a kind of grief. people have been ragging on me for almost a year to get her weaned, but my kid? my boobs? our decision as to when we’re done with breastfeeding.
But what about when you weaned Fable, at what: Nine Months? I’m not trying to be rude, but isn’t that a little contradictory? Fable still felt like she “needed” to nurse, but it was cramping your style and you “needed” your body back.
If you hadn’t shared that with us then, I would be in full support of this post.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately and this post was really helpful. Thanks.
my son didn’t care about his bottle so it was gone at 1, I took his binky away at 2 which didn’t go too smooth for the first week, but he has a wicked overbite and I didn’t want it to get worse. Now he’s got 2 blankies, I’m ok with the blankies (unfortunatley I still sleep with mine at almost 30, I just can’t bring myself to throw it away, it will probably disintergrate soon though)
Hi Rebecca, you may not read this since its very low on the thread of responses but I really want to say this to you. I have let my guard down so much when I read your experiences. I mellowed down when my daughter did not walk as the other kids did, and right now I have 16 month old who still wants her bottle and was worried that i HAVE to take that away (as told by other moms, and me my worst enemy being a doctor I start worrying on the milestones..) I honestly do not want to! i work 9 hours a day so the rest of my time with her is complety hers and I dont want to be pushing her to something she is not ready yet, i’m so glad when I read your blog, it makes me feel like I’m doing ok by my instincts and not being a pushover because my daughter still uses her paci, has a favorite stuff animal she drags with her all the time ( i have 3 of the same) and will still use her bottle. I will trust her as you trust ARcher and FAble, by the way your son has such and old soul he has great insight for a kid.
well this has gotten quite long, just wanted to say thank you so much. your reader from Mexico, ARmonia
This is such a great post, weaning children from bottles and pacifiers is quite the challenge. Archer’s response reminds me of that really really early David Bowie song, he might have been going by a different name even, called “When I’m Five.”
I read EVERY comment, Armonia and so appreciate your words. Truly. Thank you. Thanks to everyone for support, sharing and ever awesome.
Oh and PS Joanie? I didn’t wean Fable at nine months – we weaned at thirteen months – when it was right for US. My body AND hers.
i think it funny my daughter also called her pacifer a NuNu and everyone has been telling me to get rid of it (she is 3). I have never thought it a problem because she only has it at bedtime and naptime and it does not affect her speech or teeth. we have decided, together, that at her half birthday she will send them to the NuNu fairies on balloons. Oh and she gets to go to an amusement park as a treat!!!
Oh man, this might be scary for all the moms figuring “he/she won’t go to college with a binky…” but: I’m 24, I live with my boyfriend, I have a job, and a college education, and I’m headed to grad school in the fall, and I am absolutely not capable of sleeping without my blankie. My boyfriend takes it in stride that I kiss (etc) him goodnight and then roll over to sleep with the blankie. Ahem.
I really love your confidence that no matter what, you are doing the right thing and being the best parent to your kids. I wish I had more of that, since I am constantly second guessing myself and thinking I should be a better mom. I am curious, though, since you said you’re comfortable letting your kids have their vices until THEY (as opposed to society) are ready to give them up- what if Archer had wanted his pacifier all the time, out in public, at the grocery store, etc until he was 5? Cause I’ve seen that, lots of times (and I’ll admit, I judge). My daughter loved her pacifier, but I weaned it back until it was just a bedtime thing after she turned one. If I hadnt, I have no doubt she would still walk around with it today, at age 2, or next year when she’s 3, just like she does with her blankie. My nephew is almost 3 and he drinks at least 3 bottles a day, NOT at nap or bedtimes. I don’t say anything to his parents, but he barely eats food except snacks and drinks the milk, and they stress and wonder why he wont eat…seems obvious to me. So would you do things different if Fable refused to eat because the amount of cow’s milk she was consuming from the bottle? Would you push the potty training if Archer still wanted to wear a diaper? I am truly curious, because while I understand that often the “goals” we are given as parents seem arbitrary, and people should do what they are comfortable with and what they feel is right for their family, kids don’t always just give things up on their own, or go to bed one night and say their birthday is tomorrow, I will never hit my sister again, or whatever. They can’t always self regulate and sometimes do need extra help, or boundaries….so in your opinion, where should we step in, as parents, and “take away?”
thanks!
First off, Lindsay – Fable doesn’t drink cow’s milk. We do almond milk round here and sometimes rice. But if she wasn’t eating then it would be a VERY different story because THAT would be harmful for her. I draw the line at whether or not harm is done.
Which is why I think the breastfeeding argument doesn’t hold water. Nursing her was very painful for me and I nursed for thirteen months which was as long as I could go. A bottle isn’t my body.
That also means, if Archer did something cruel he would be punished. OF COURSE. I don’t let him punish himself. Not even close. I’m a very vocal parent when it comes to telling Archer what he should and shouldn’t do… to a point. Rules are important but so is understanding when a child isn’t ready to let something go – in our case we’re talking bottles and binkies…
I’m talking about things that don’t matter in the scheme of things. Fable eats great so having a couple bottles a say is no big. If she wasn’t eating well or if Archer wanted to rock a paci at age five all around town? To be honest, I don’t know if I can answer the question. I don’t parent with hypotheticals. I parent specifically for my kids and who they are.
This is what frustrates me about the whole “parent advice industry”… no child is the same and I think parents should be sensitive to their child and not the various variables we are TOLD to take into account out of fear. Fear has never helped anyone live happily ever after. As a parent. As a chid. Et al.
Rebecca,
Thank you for your response. FYI, I am NOT the same Lindsay that remarked on breastfeeding (I think there was one earlier?). But your answer makes sense. And sorry I assumed about the cow’s milk, that’s what my nephew drinks out of his bottle, and since you said milk…whole cow’s milk is probably much more filling to a little 2 year old stomach than almond or rice milk. And yes, you’re right, no child is the same. I work in special education, and I AM aware when I see certain things happening in society (i.e. kids on leashes) that while it may initially be cringe-inducing for me, there might be something going on for that kid, that family, that makes it necessary. Too often that is not the case, and sometimes parents just dont want to face that struggle that must be faced at every transition, but it is impossible to know that without knowing the situation. I know the situation with my own daughter, I know she didn’t NEED the paci all day long (as it’s meant to pacify, while playing, happy, at the park it isn’t needed), but still needed it at night. I know my nephew, and he doesn’t need the bottle, but his parents just don’t want to deal with the trouble it will take to wean him off of it (truly, that IS what they said), and don’t understand that that’s why he doesn’t eat the pasta at dinnertime. It’s a good idea not to deal in hypotheticals when parenting (another thing that shows your strength and confidence as a parent), and I should try harder to do the same. And yes, parents should be sensitive to their children and not act out of fear. BUT they should also attempt to be educated, and know the reasons for their decisions. Fear shouldn’t motivate, but knowing what’s going on is important, and the best decision is an informed one (in my opinion!).
Thank you!
My daughter had a bottle with milk until she was around 28 months old. We were down to just 2 or 3 ounces in the bottle before bed, and I just loved watching her expression of ecstasy as she cuddled up to me in her darkened room every night and I told her stories. Then we decided it was TIME and just…told her that. And she was fine! No big shock, no transitional issues, no argument. She was ready. If it takes Fable another year or more, really, you’re totally right, this is such a short space of time in the big scheme of things, let her go at her pace. I miss my baby being a baby.
My daughter had a bottle with milk until she was around 28 months old. We were down to just 2 or 3 ounces in the bottle before bed, and I just loved watching her expression of ecstasy as she cuddled up to me in her darkened room every night and I told her stories. Then we decided it was TIME and just…told her that. And she was fine! No big shock, no transitional issues, no argument. She was ready. If it takes Fable another year or more, really, you’re totally right, this is such a short space of time in the big scheme of things, let her go at her pace. I miss my baby being a baby.
Totally agree with you, Lindsay. Thank YOU!
My daughter was in love with her baba and kept it til her 3rd birthday. I don’t see anything wrong with that! i keep telling people when they worry about being too old for bottles and diapers… your child will more than likely NOT go to kindergarten with those things! they know when they are ready
like archer, we had a magic birthday where everything changed… but it was 3 yrs. no more nighttime diapers, no more baba.
The harm in giving a bottle to a child is BABY BOTTLE TOOTH DECAY. The silicone nipple rubbing against the child’s teeth slowly causes damage/decay to the teeth. The silicone nipple erodes aware the tooth’s healthy enamel, allowing the sugars from the milk or juice contained in the bottle to rot your child’s teeth.
It doesn’t just happen with night time bottles. It happens with ANY bottle given ANY time during the day. Even sippy cups with silicone nipples do this (best choice for sippy cups it hard top cups). Babies can drink bottles just fine because they do not start getting teeth up until AROUND their first birthday. The first birthday is the recommendation to have a child off the bottle. While it does comfort the child, it has harmful side effects.
Most parents don’t realize that there is something harmful from letting your child be on the bottle past ~age 1. And it’s the risk for dental decay. Most parents just don’t know. If that were not a problem, hey, you could potentially just leave your child on the bottle until whenever.
It can be hard to take away things that signify “baby”. No parent wants their child to grow up. But your bottle is causing great harm to your child’s teeth. And even though they are just BABY teeth, your child will have them for the next 5-10 years. Teeth affect your child’s speech, ability to chew food, and also their smile. Adult teeth that are still in the jaw can even become decayed in severe cases. Plus, children who suffer dental problems at a young age are at a very high risk for FURTHER ADULT DENTAL PROBLEMS.
Children who are on the bottle age 2+ are put in a very dangerous position. As a parent, it is your job to protect your child. While they may enjoy the bottle and cry when it is not there, as a parent, you have to make the decision that is best for your child’s health. Just like getting shots – of course it hurts the child but parents know it is for the child’s health. Taking away the bottle, and also pacifier, is essentially the same thing. I am not here to bash anyone. I just want to educate about something parents are rarely not aware of.
Also, it does not matter if you brush your child’s teeth. They will still decay. Once the enamel is gone from the teeth, it cannot be regenerated no matter how much you brush. Even putting water in a bottle is not a solution. The nipple still rubs and when your child eats later on their teeth will then be exposed to the sugars in food that cause decay. The ONLY solution is weaning your child from the bottle by about 14 months and letting your child use a hard top sippy cup.
Congratulations to “Filtsodo” on raising four “non-pussies” for your children. (Since Rebecca reads every comment, I assume she’s chosen to ignore Filtosod’s comment. I do, once again, wish I were more like Rebecca!). People who have unwavering certainly regarding their lives — and their parenting choices — are puzzling. People who impose their parenting choices on everyone around them are maddening. Laura, the dental care guru, did you know that the AAPD also tells us not to breasfeed “after the first primary (baby) teeth begin to erupt and other sources of nutrition have been introduced.” That was at 5 months for my kid. I know a kid who was born with a couple of teeth — no breastfeeding for him? I guess he should be bottle-fed, but wait, what’s it gonna do to his teeth?
Hey, Laura. Are you a dentist? Because according to my dentist there is NO problem with the occasional bottle and or pacifier.
We got the same well intentioned advice with our first. We had friends who were “older” parents who also had a little one the same as us. Her advice ……”You don’t see kids in kindergarten with bottles or pacifiers!” Meaning….your child will give up whatever vice they have in their own time…..sometime between now and when they start kindergarten. Great post!
your children amaze me. archer is so grown up. more grown up than most grown ups i know. you and your husband are clearly amazing parents.
Delurking also! I have to thank you so much for this perspective, it was so insightful. I really think that your on to something with the “Frist Vices” and that no one really talks about that.
We struggle with paci-wars in our house. I’m almost ready to add the suffix
-gate… PACI-GATE, and then I read your take, and I can say for the first time in a long time I gained perspective, and it got better.
Sooooo, good job and thanks!
Kelley
You hear all this banter from dentists about bottle, binky, thumbsucking being harmful to the mouth and teeth! I sucked my thumb probably until fourth or fifth grade and my teeth were straighter than most. The biggest influence on my teeth movement was from my impacted wisdom teeth that weren’t removed until I was 25!
I fully agree with the idea of instinctual parenting and doing what feels right for you and your child. I nursed my son until he was three and a half and it was his decision to do it!
At seven, he was still in a night pull up until a few weeks ago when he prompted the idea of trying to go w/o.
I definitely think that if we push our children to give things up before they’re ready, it backfires, whether physically or emotionally. Forced independence only creates the need for more dependency.
You don’t need to cut Fable off just b/c it’s “the norm” or suggested by your doctor, or whatever other reason you are given. She will figure it out in her own time. Keep doing what you’re doing!
BTW, I really believe the theory that tooth decay is hereditary and dependent upon the bacteria that is in a persons mouth. I’ve known breastfed kids with good teeth and bad teeth, bottle drinkers with good teeth and bad teeth. My sister did the same with both of her girls as far as breast feeding/oral care, etc. One inherited her weaker tooth structure and has had a few cavities, the other has her daddy’s strong teeth!
I agree. So much has been written about when children should be doing things that people expect children to follow what’s been written down. My little girl hasn’t crawled yet – all the babies we know who are her age have. I am so fine with it. Personally, I’m not ready for her to be mobile, though I do tummy time with her, in case she is ready.
And I slept with my teddy bear well into my 20s. A vice is only a vice if you think it is.