Detachment Parenting
About a month ago, I decided it was time to cut the cord. The day Fable turned nine-months old I suddenly felt the need to remove her from my breast, my body, and my bedroom. The feeling was overwhelming, like an instinct. It was time. Starting then I would slowly wean her, no longer put her to sleep in our bed, yes, even walk away from her from time to time, regardless of her screams of mamamamamamama! to pick her up. I was no longer enjoying being an extension of her. I wanted my body back, my space and perhaps more importantly, wanted her to learn how to sleep alone, entertain herself from time to time, and, yes, become more independent.
A far cry from the way I felt months (even weeks!) earlier when I had a hard time leaving the room without her on my hip. When all I wanted to do was be with her. As close to her as possible without swallowing her whole.
I figured these last few weeks would be difficult and they have been. Fable refuses her crib with flailing hysterics and although her willpower is impressive, I will NOT let her win and so began hours-long, sometimes even all-night bedtime prep that I am proud to say has never ended with Fable sleeping in our bed but continues to frequently end with Fable sleeping in her stroller after long walks around the living room in circles at 2am, and me scolding myself the entire time for allowing her to sleep in our bed in the first place.
“What was I thinking! I’ve created a monster!” I’d repeat, teeth clenched, fists around the stroller bar as I pushed and pushed and rocked and pushed and sang and is she sleeping yet? No? FUUUUUUCCCCCKKKK!!!!
It’s my fault she won’t sleep. It’s my fault she can’t be alone. It’s my fault I can’t leave her side. It’s all she knows. I should have put her in her crib from the beginning. I coulda shoulda woulda…
Last night after rocking Fable for fifteen minutes at the foot of her crib I placed her softly down. She screamed of course, as she always does so I gave her my hand, sang to her. She went on screaming for what felt like hours until she finally stopped. Looked up at me and smiled. And within seconds, passed out, her hands tight around my wrist.
I kept my hand there for a while, afraid that by moving my hand I’d wake her up. Afraid that by moving my hand something would be lost in our separation. I went on singing until her grip loosened and finally let go.
And in that moment I realized that all these months of co-sleeping and baby-wearing and nursing my tits off was so worth it – even now- having to painfully detach from the habits we both formed, because no matter how little sleep I get for the next few weeks, months, even years, I’ll be able to remind Fable, when she’s older and wants nothing to do with me and we’re screaming at each other through the DO NOT DISTURB sign on her bedroom door, that once upon a time she couldn’t let me go.
And neither could I.
***
Beautiful! I love your way with words…
I thought this was going to end with her being back in your bed for a few months.
This is a beautiful post, and made my eyes mist up a little bit.
My daughter who is now 3 had a slightly rough transition from co-sleeping as well. But, now due to the security she had in those wonderful first few months in our bed, she is the most confident, happy and secure little girl.
It was definitely worth it.
LOVE HER and you.
I feel for you, really, I do. That’s not sarcastic, though it may sound like it. I have a 15 1/2 month old who I breast fed for 3 weeks & did not co-sleep with. She was in her own crib at 7 weeks, sleeping through the night. I would brag about that, to anyone, whether they wanted to hear it or not. After months of happy easy going days and nights, my toddler (yes toddler) has entered the dreaded separation anxiety stage. How did this happen?! I can’t leave for work in the morning without her raising her arms and screaming to the heavens uppy uppy waaaa…it makes no difference, they all want their mommies at some point. Even though it’s such a pain in the ass, doesn’t it make us feel a little good inside. Fable is beautiful, and sweet (from what I can tell) and you’re doing great!
Thanks!! I needed to hear that. Parenting is hard work and I needed to be reminded that we are doing it for a reason other than our own insanity.
I found with Pumpkinpie that when I went to move her to her bed, there were those nights. So I put a futon on here floor, and when she was having a tough time, I’d lie near her, my hand in her crib, and talk softly to her at first, then only quietly shush or sing, and then after not too long, I could just lie mutely there, no hand in the crib, and not long after, she only needed me on the worst nights, which I was willing to return for. It was gradual, and some mornings my back hurt, but it worked for us, allowing her to get used to ever increasingly distance incrementally at the same time as allowing me more space. The Bun I can see will be harder, he is already resisting the sippy, and i can’t yet just put him down for a nap without rocking for a bit, but next month, he starts daycare, so I am determined to start pushing him down that road so it’s not too much of a rude awakening for him. Good luck to us both, Bec!
Wow! I’m always so drawn in by your words. I haven’t had this sort of trouble with my son. I cut his cord much earlier. But there are times when I help him stand just so I can feel his tiny hands wrap around my fingers because he can spend long lengths of time entertaining himself and he rarely needs me. I think, sometimes, I need him. If that makes any sense.
Really needed this post as mom to 22 month old who is in a “I don’t want to sleep alone while I learn to talk” phase. They need their mommies.
Wow, I am so on the same level you are right now. My son turns 10 months tomorrow and while I don’t mind the breastfeeding, I am so ready to have him sleep in his own bed and not be held all of the time. I can get him to sleep pretty easily but as soon as I even try to lower him into his crib his eyes fly open and he freaks out no matter how limp his body was or how deep of sleep he was in. I feel like kicking myself everytime I’m stuck in the recliner for an hour or so, afraid to move least I wake him, just to make sure he gets some sort of nap in. I think my problem is I just don’t have the heart (or energy) to actually try and change my situation by letting him cry it out or try and put him back to sleep everytime I try to put him in his crib. One of these days I’ll harden up but for now, I’m at a loss.
Nursing my tits off.
Best line ever. You’ll have to let us know how that one works out in the elevator.
Seriously – very profound, touching post. It happens to all of us, regarding all things – those coulda-woulda-shouldas…and then every thing is right with the world again. Thanks for the reminder!
This post baffles me. Why the sudden urge to teach independences at NINE MONTHS OLD? i find it strange as as society that we want/brag about children who are so independent at such young ages, we let hours of agony of crying to get them independent, yet extend the whole adolescence stage of development through age 30.
PS maybe you could avoid the whole “do not disturb” storming screaming arguments of a teenager if there was less forcing of independence early on.
Do it! Do it now! I did not breast feed, but I did co sleep…and now my kids are almost 4, and 5…and they are still coming into our bed…4 people…in a full size bed… just does not work! I keep telling myself they will soon be 15, and will HATE me..but even that isn’t much comfort at 3 am when I have a butt in my face, a foot in the rib, and am squished against my husband’s armpit!
ok, that pic is 2 stinkin’ cute!!! look at those lil teeth!
just like u said, it may b hard now – but after all the sleepless nites r over, u’ll look back & know that it was definitely worth it! ♥
Doesn’t make sense, didn’t you read the post? GGC wants her body back, wants her space, needs some separation. And don’t give me any of this, “She’s so selfish because she doesn’t want her kid hanging off her 24-7!” crap. Because moms need to preserve their own sanity to be effective parents, and I would say the most fundamental boundary that could be established (if mom wants it) is the physical separation from her child.
Plus, seriously? You really think moody adolescence can be warded off by co-sleeping at <1 year? I’m going to go out on a limb and say that “cranky” is a teenager’s default setting and co-sleeping or not in infancy isn’t going to change that.
*sniff*
@patricia: holla!
Moody teenagers are exactly what i’m talking about avoiding. This whole “teenager” stuff is a construct of modern prosperity and parenting. It’s not a far jump to point out that modern parenting of having the baby “independent” so early is quite related to a prolonged and moody adolescents.
And at nine months, i totally get wanting to wean, wanting to sleep in a bed without a squirmy infant. But biologically that is too young to wean, and as far as sleep goes, strolling around the living room, crouching over the crib with a screaming baby sounds awful to me.
Um, I’m a high school teacher. ALL “teenagers”(remind me why teenager is in quotes?) are moody. ALL of them. Not everyday perhaps, but yes they are. And no, it can’t be avoided. “Independent” or not at a young age…. they all are.
I have a one year old that I weaned at 8 months. She cried for a day or so and is now the hap-hap-happiest little kid on the block (happier than the breast-fed-till-two year old that constantly cries next door). But give me your number and I promise to call when she’s fifteen and slams a door in my face.
Hey, nice post!!
Very Well Written..
Thx a lot for sharing such an useful information
i learn a lot from your post,
i’m looking forward for your next post!!
Have A nice Day
Cindy Tanady
All Parenting Secret
Hey, nice post!!
Very Well Written..
Thx a lot for sharing such an useful information
i learn a lot from your post,
i’m looking forward for your next post!!
Have A nice Day
Cindy Tanady
All Parenting Secret
Way to go Pamela and Patricia! I agree with both of you. Not many teenagers I’ve met or been around are never moody. To me there isn’t much that anyone can do to avoid it. Mostly because it’s more about hormones than all that other stuff. I think that each parent/child has to do what works for them. Every situation is different and until your in that situation it’s hard to know what to do. My son is 20 months old and has been sleeping in his own bed for a long while now and sleeps the best in it also I didn’t have the opportunity to breastfeed for very long after he was born but I really don’t think that that is going to have some weird negative effect on him. I don’t think it’s about forcing independence on a child as much as it is finding out what works best for them. I don’t think that anyone needs to be the judge of what is good and not good for Rebecca and Fable or anyone else.
Ps. No offense to ‘doesnt make sense’ but some of the way you’ve worded things sound like things some guys I’ve met(who don’t always see things the same way moms do) might say.
Fable looks so absolutely adorable in all the pictures you take of her, I want to eat her up. I dont know if it has been been mentioned but I think disney would LOVE her ; http://slyoyster.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/disneycuteness.bmp
Good job Rebecca! It will get easier….I think….I have gone through this transition with my 1 year old, and she is a very happy, well adjusted baby. Doesn’t make sense, do you actually have kids? you sound like all of the crap clinical theories that people have BEFORE they actually have a baby hanging off of your chest 24 hrs a day.
Thanks all! And Doesn’t Make Sense? Don’t want to offend but nothing you wrote makes any sense at all. Have you ever worked/been around teenagers? Or even infants for that matter? Ten month olds? She’s not suddenly some independent bobbler, she’s simply detaching from my physical body and understanding that she is NOT an extension of me. That is how healthy relationships naturally progress and teenagers are biologically programmed to reject their parents. It’s their way of preparing for adulthood, forging their own identity as young adults.
That’s called human biology. Not modern prosperity.
I had that urge to stop nursing at 9 months too but I knew that she needed my milk until at least 1 year old or else she would need formula which meant that I would get less sleep by making bottles and shittier diapers from all the un-good things in formula. So she’s 1 now and we’re finally done and she’s sleeping through the night like a freaking miracle that happened all at once! Through all the nursing in the chair that isn’t my bed at 2am-hanging over the crib-arms falling asleep-feet hurting-only to have her wake up as soon as you let go crap was worth it to be where we are now. I gotcha 100% babe.
Rebecca–You are an amazing mother and writer. I completely support your decision to stop co-sleeping and to start weaning. Totally rational, totally healthy. Nine months is not “too young” to start weaning, and sleeping independently has not, to date, been shown to have any direct link to future teenage moodiness. Way to go GGC!
wow. first off great post.
secondly, doesn’t make sense, this blog and it’s comments are always a fave of mine, but your comment really bummed me out. it’s not cool to be all judgey-mcjugderton of other moms. every kid/parent/situation is unique. it’s awesome that you found something that works for you. but, man, oh man, it’s a long way to fall off that high horse your perched on.
Very touching post. Good luck with the weaning. I am personally dreading the teenage years;>
My son co-slept until he was 20 months old. I moved him to a crib in our room at that point because he started to go horizontal in the bed and kick us. We set up the crib and talked about it as “his bed” for about a month (we had just made an international move as well) and the first night I told him he was going to sleep in his bed, he did. No problems.
4 nights ago, I moved him to his own room. We’ve been talking about it for awhile that when we moved into the new apartment he was going to get his own room and bed. He picked out the blankets and helped set his bed up. I asked him when he wanted to move in and he said,”Tonight.”
We did the bedtime routine and I asked him if he wanted me to stay and cuddle with him. He said,”No.”
He had absolutely no problems and he is almost 3.
We’ve been moving around too much to do it earlier and it wasn’t a problem. It was time for both of us.
I don’t think that co-sleeping is ever a mistake, but if you are ready to end it before your child, you have to be willing to do the work to help them make the transition and that means being willing to work on it all night, every night until it works, like Rebecca did. If you aren’t, you should just stay as willing co-sleepers because the inconsistency is what drags out the transition process.
It took me a few sleep-deprived years of parenting to realize that my Sicilian grandmother’s seemingly incomprehensible advice to “watch the hands” (or was it arms) began to make sense. She was an early proponent of detachment parenting and I, who steeped myself all my first pregnancy in a study of worldwide constant carrying, co-sleeping, etc. didn’t yet get the rationale for letting babies get accustomed to being in their own space from day one. I don’t mean their own room, but at least sometimes on rug by themselves or in the little bit of solo space of the co-sleeper. I feel your struggles. Good luck and thanks for sharing. This too shall pass. In about ten years perhaps but eventually.
Thank you for this. Good reminders for any stage! xo
I think you’ve done such an amazing job with Fable and it’s so easy to see how happy and healthy she is. I love that last pic of the both of you. You rock, Rebecca!
I kind of hate to even discuss it, but that “you’ll-pay-in-adolescence” crap is straight out of Sears. The part where he said “needs that are not met in infancy come back in adolescence, and you may be dismayed at who or what your children use to meet these needs” (or something like that) is when I threw the book across the room. Seriously, he did a longitudinal study of the association of independent sleeping in infancy and drug use, sexual behavior, vandalism, whatever? Of course not. Do what you gotta do, Rebecca, not that you need my permission.
I breastfed and coslept up to 15 mos, and I see nothing wrong with Rebecca stopping either or both now if that’s what works for her. Rebecca, if Fable is still struggling with the crib, have you thought about trying a bed for her? My son did the same screaming act whenever put in a crib, but he transitioned to a mattress on the floor with no problem and has been there ever since. 9 mos is a little earlier than we made the switch, but as long as she can roll well it should be fine.
What about the APA recommendation to breastfeed until your child is at least a year old? Is that BS? Really???
just wanted to stop by and say i LOVE reading your blog, and i hope you never become discouraged by the occasional judgement that gets thrown your way by *ahem* SOME folks out there who think they know what’s best for everyone else. you are clearly a thoughtful, devoted and caring mother to your children. as a new mama myself, i am understanding now more than ever that we as women/moms deserve to live and parent the way we feel is best for ourselves and our children. i really commend you for standing your ground on this one! ::pats on back::
sidenote for your (possible) entertainment: i breastfeed/babywear/cosleep with my almost-4-month old daughter poppy, and right now i’m having an almost opposite experience from you! in the last month, my little biscuit wants nothing more than to be put down to sleep by herself. just as she’s dozing off, she arches her back, throws her arms up, and thrashes her head until i put her down, then immediatly falls into a peaceful slumber. even with her nighttime feedings, i’m noticing she prefers to stay on her back or side as opposed to being held. it’s a far cry from what i was expecting/nievely planning for. so, i’m just going along with her signals and trying not to freak because oh shit she just sqirmed out of my arms again and she’s sleeping like a big girl and WHAT THE HELL I’M NOT READY!!!
ps – 10,000 detatchment-parenting kudos.
This post actually made my eyes mist over a bit. I’ve got a 9 year old boy on the verge of being embarrassed every which way of his mother. The same boy who begged to sleep in my bed until he was 3. The same boy who then would only sleep in his own bed if he could hold one of my shirts. Oh, how time flies.
Thanks, all! You rock.
I breastfed and coslept up to 15 mos, and I see nothing wrong with Rebecca stopping either or both now if that’s what works for her. Rebecca, if Fable is still struggling with the crib, have you thought about trying a bed for her? My son did the same screaming act whenever put in a crib, but he transitioned to a mattress on the floor with no problem and has been there ever since. 9 mos is a little earlier than we made the switch, but as long as she can roll well it should be fine.
I don’t understand all the praise you’re getting. I suppose these comments are heavily edited.
It amazes me how any mention of breastfeeding or sleep practices or the like brings out the super trolls. Sheesh. Where do people get off being so judgmental?
Congrats on doing what feels best for you and your kid, and good luck with the getting your space back. Oh… breathing space is nice. Weaning was surprisingly easy (at 11 months) but the whole sleeping thing is still shit. At 18 months. Thankfully he goes to sleep well by himself, it’s just the whole sleeping all the way through and then past 5am part that we’re still working on.
Anyway. Thanks for sharing.
THANK YOU! I love you blogs and this one really hit home for me. We’re in the mist of the exact same things and it’s good to know that I’m not alone!!
I’m same judgmental bitch above. I’m sorry. It seems ridiculous to apologize when I know that you almost certainly won’t read this comment or care. It’s a strange choice but this is your choice. You are the only one in your head and this is none of my business. Also, this must be the best thing for you if you are truly willing to go through what you went through in order to wean her despite health benefits to Fable. She will ask you how long she was breastfed and you will tell her that you stopped because of your own reasons. You should not breastfeed if you hate it. That is what the midwife told me when I hated breastfeeding the first month. If I had continued hating it, I would have stopped.
Um… first of all. I don’t “edit” comments. Second, if you read this blog for longer than three weeks you would know that I HAVE SUPPLEMENTED SINCE DAY ONE BECAUSE I HAVE HAD TWO BREAST REDUCTIONS. TWO. So weaning at 10 months is AMAZING. I was told I wouldn’t be able to nurse at all.
Second, I’ve blogged constantly in support of BFARs, written tediously to support other women in the same situation and totally enjoyed breastfeeding until this point.
Third, where in this post do I write about “hating” breastfeeding? I have a ten month old and I’m ready for my body and my bed to be MY body and MY bed.
And also? I’m prrrrrretty sure, Fable’s not going to give two shits how long I breastfed her.
That’s all. Good day.
I’m seriously sorry. I am the asshole here. I am going through a lot of pressure right now to wean and I was clearly misdirecting frustration onto you. I was going to say that even though you call this detachment parenting, you are clearly a very empathetic and attached mother. You could have just stuck her in a crib and let her scream her head off. You would have had as many positive comments from your fans. Good luck and that’s it from me.
No worries, JoJo. I totally understand. Good luck to you on your mighty wean… whenever it feels right for you. (Life’s too nuts to feel pressure from outsiders, you know?) xo
It was so nice to read your article. I admire you for sharing your adventure with us. You are so not alone with these struggles and I see stories similar to yours all the time at http://www.truuconfessions.com. I had a breast reduction too and so I know how amazing it is for you to have been able to breast feed for as long as you did.
I don’t understand this post either. Why attachment parent until 9 months and then get upset when baby doesn’t want to detach as quickly as you’d like? Everyone is praising you like you’re doing something amazing and original by letting your baby “cry it out”…. there is nothing remarkable or admirable about that. Why not call a spade a spade and at least admit you’re doing what you think is best for YOU by “detachment parenting” now rather than when it is obviously going to be best for your baby. Your point is that you can’t stand having her in your bed/at your breast, but how much fun are you having strolling her around your living room all night? More importantly, how good do you think that feels to her?
One question…
Where did you get that dress that she’s wearing?!? I love it!
Just a tip: I never had to wean, I started introducing sippy-cups with the suction parts removed with solids. My daughter would drop a nursing session here and there (just wouldn’t do it) until she was self-weaned by 11months. I think she just got used to getting her milk faster.
Another tip: if your breastfed baby doesn’t like formula, you can mix the two at first until they get used to the taste of formula. I only did this so I didn’t have to pump for those sippy cups.
Good luck.
Thanks, Wv. I’ve actually been feeding Fable formula from the beginning – supplementing from the get because of my breast-reductions and the damage it did to my nipples and thus milk supply so Fable has always been comfortable with bottles/formula as well as breast. It’s the sleeping on her own that’s the tough part of all of this. She wants to be on my body at all times, which is just not possible anymore. Especially now that I’m working outside the home three days a week and Hal and I SUPER need our alone time, because, THAT relationship needs nurturing as much as a baby does.
As for Jane’s comment – and I’m fully aware that MANY people disagree with me here but FUCK YES, I’M DOING WHAT IS BEST FOR ME! And in this case what is best for a me IS what is best for my child! Why would co-sleeping be good for my daughter if it wasn’t something I wanted to do? (And I’m speaking for all mothers in my situation when I ask that question.)
okay, i do not breastfeed or co-sleep (much) but this post totally made me tear-up.
It’s lovely to read another mum’s thoughts about weaning. It’s such a strange feeling for me to suddenly want some space from my daughter. I’ve been breastfeeding her now for 20 months and I woke up one day last week and just knew that it was time. She’s been nursing three times a day and I’m working to cut back now, but it is so difficult some days. Sometimes she cries, sometimes she sings “Mop! Mop! Mop!” (what she calls milk), and it’s hard to turn that sweet face down. She doesn’t sleep with us so I don’t have that extra dynamic to work with, but it’s still a challenge. But I just know it’s time and I have to believe that she’ll move on too. I look forward to telling her all about how much she loved mop.
A really great post.
I’m glad I get to read you. I miss having a small one around and it’s nice to get to experience it through your words. Thanks for posting.
I’ve just gotta give you mad props for doing what is best for you and Fable. A happy mama (and daddy) makes a happy baby, no matter what they drink or where they sleep.
I weaned completely at 14 months and was guilt ridden for a few months before. When I finally did it, we were all much more happy – yes, even my son!
Wow, so much judgment when it comes to motherhood! I’m not even a mother yet (about to try!:)), and I’ve already gotten strange looks and questions when I’ve said that I want to try to have a natural birth, that I’ll have to return to work 3 mos after the baby is born, etc. I don’t know why people feel that my personal choices are their business. I realize that Rebecca “puts herself out there” with a blog and open comments, but I don’t see how that gives people the right to be disrespectful and rude. Aren’t we all in this together?
And I must address the comment: “What about the APA recommendation to breastfeed until your child is at least a year old? Is that BS? Really???”
You seemed to have missed the word “recommendation” in there. It is a recommendation, not a mandate. Every woman and every child is different, so why would we expect them to have the same exact experience with breastfeeding? That’s absurd.
And finally to Rebecca: I’m sorry this has been difficult for you and Fable, but I trust it will get better soon, and that you know what is best for you and your family. I think some people don’t appreciate the truth in your statement that what is best for you, IS best for your child in this situation (and many others). No one can be an effective parent if they aren’t first taking care of themselves: physically, mentally, etc. It’s the same reason they teach you to put the air mask on yourself before your child on the airplane:) Good luck to you and your absolutely gorgeous little girl!! I love reading about the special bond that the two of you have!
Thank you GGC for sharing your thoughts with us despite the judgey comments you know will come your way. At times you are a voice for those of us who are to afraid to admit our feelings for fear of all the nasty people who can’t wait to pounce. Thank you! Your daughter is lovely (so is your son!) and doing what works for you is obviously the best choice.
So, here’s the deal Judges. Don’t be so hard on yourselves or on other moms. Some cultures co-sleep for about a decade before the kid decides to move into their own beds/rooms. Some cultures are really into strict self-weaning, which means that it’s not unheard of for the kid to be seven years old when they are weaned.
Here, though, the “standards” are really broad, and the only thing difficult about that is other people thinking that they know what’s best for you and your child.
Mothering instincts are important, and GGC’s instincts lead her to wean and end co-sleeping. Does anyone really think that her instincts should be ignored?
And GGC would NEVER tell other people when to wean. In fact, she’s been really open and her expectations have changed in the last 9+ months. Her only goal is to do what is best for her children. And “what’s best” is not the same for every mother-child relationship.
So, what her readers are praising her for is being really honest about what she feels. Lack of honesty in motherhood causes a lot of problems. When mothers (or people) are “supposed” to feel a certain way, things get twisted… but I’d probably have to blog about that sometime.
I parent totally differently from you. My babies have been in the crib since day 1, and for reasons I won’t go into they have been completely bottle fed, from the beginning. That said, I think that parenting is a personal thing and that we all make the decisions that are best for our families. Period. I don’t understand, and never will, why people think it’s okay to bash you for your parenting choices. Nonsense. We do what we do.
Okay, so, I know you didn’t ask for advice, but have you tried putting Fable to sleep with clothes? All kids go through periods of separation anxiety and when my oldest had her biggest (about 2 years old) I would take off my shirt at night and give it to her like a lovey and then just put on my pajama top. It let her smell me while she was sleeping which made her feel more secure. Even now, sometimes she will wake up from a nightmare and ask for my shirt to sleep with the rest of the night.
So, now I’ve ranted off subject and given un-asked for assvice, I’d like to add that I read GGC all the time, and I really love your writing style and your totally different perspective from mine. I don’t always agree with you, but I always like reading what you’ve written.
Hi Rebecca;
Love your blog, love this post. You are clearly very busy, but if you have time to read, I hope you’ll enjoy a post I wrote a few weeks ago about my two very different experiences with my older son, “Six,” and my 7-month old. I feel I can speak to this matter, because I’ve done both- shared my bed for years with the first, and put this second baby in his own crib at 6 months. Do you know what difference it’s made in how much I love them and how close I am to either of them? NONE!
http://fourjugs.blogspot.com/2009/06/goodnight-nobody.html
You seem so comfortable in your own skin since you have had Fable. In your pictures your smile is real and not the fun faces you used to make. I’m so happy for you and your family. You have beautiful kids. Fable looks so much like Archer sometimes but other times she is her own person. I think Gerber needs a new baby face and hers would be perfect!
I loved this blog post…it perfectly sums up the ever-changing feelings that come with parenthood. “Today I love breastfeeding and I could sit here all day with you but yesterday I had a million things to do and REALLY wished I could just give you a bottle. Last week, I loved co-sleeping with your sweet little face snuggled near mine but could you please get your toe OUT OF MY NOSE!” Gawd I remember those days like they were yesterday.
As I read this, though, I cringed a bit. I knew that your raw honesty would be repaid by the legions of judgmental know-it-all moms who scan the internet for people to jump on. Thank you for your honesty and for sharing with us.
As for Jojo44 – Please get your passive-aggressive self to a therapist asap. Even your “apology” sounds snarky and judgmental.
As for Jane – Personally, I make most of my parenting decisions based on what’s best for me. You don’t like that? Tough shit. I love my children and I love being their mother, but I refuse to let my 4 kids take over my entire life…..I did not leave my brain in the operating room along with my placenta. My children slept in their own cribs from day one because my bed is MY bed. They use sippee cups because I don’t feel like cleaning up 42 spills every day. They go to nursery school because I need a small break now and then. They don’t attend $300 a month karate lessons because I’m not interested in spending that much money. Etc.
PS…the breastfeeding relationship only works if both parties are interested in participating. Would you force an uninterested 9-month old to breastfeed for another 3 months simply because that’s the “recommendation?” I didn’t think so.
Your will is stronger than mine. I give in. Maybe it is because she is my first. Maybe because we just aren’t there yet. I wish we were but I guess we are not. I can’t wait to have my body to myself again.
Your will is stronger than mine. I give in. Maybe it is because she is my first. Maybe because we just aren’t there yet. I wish we were but I guess we are not. I can’t wait to have my body to myself again.
Chris in NY + 1
Weaning is pretty easy. Getting a kid to sleep on their own is really difficult. Take this with a grain of salt but there are several steps and each one is a victory. I was happy at first to just get my daughter to go to bed on her own. It was my first who I had the sleep issues with. She was about the same age (around 10 months). It really is a gradual process. And to be honest it took several months before she slept all night in her bed. Because eventually we put her in a toddler bed instead of a crib, she just really hated the crib. She was an early walker and her bed was in our room so she could just walk over and get in bed with us when she wanted. Anyhow at some point it became a non issue. Which is the “advice” I would give. These things will sort themselves out. Don’t second guess yourself. Because I believe you have to take care of yourself first. That might sound selfish. But how can you take care of a kid if you aren’t taking care of yourself. What kind of example are you teaching your kids? And I don’t mean all your needs/wants come first. But if you need to sleep on your own so you can be a rested, loving mother. Well, that is a benefit to both parties isn’t it?
First, I don’t understand all of these negative comments! At least it seems that most people understand that you’re just trying to share your unique experience (in a really well written way, by the way) and as a soon to be mom, I REALLY appreciate your honesty. I was going to comment more on your post, but now I just feel like telling you to ignore all the asses who feel like they can attack you because the internet is anonymous. Thank you, again, from all of us non-crazies!
So sweet
I never co-slept, but I feel the same way about the rest of that story. I had to wean my daughter from nursing at 7.5 months due to her not thriving (although my production was fine, she just wouldn’t nurse). It was very sad. I was totally an attachment parent I think, short of the crib sleeping. But, there comes a time in their life when you have to let them grow up and learn independence. It’s hard sometimes, and maybe you think “what was I thinking rocking my baby to sleep every night?!” but then you realize that in the long run, you will never regret spending that time with your baby. Good luck with the crib. Does she nap usually? Several mommy friends tried getting their baby to nap in the crib first, then switched to night sleeping. Made it not quite as foreign for them. Maybe you are too deep into your plan now though, just thought I’d toss the idea out 
You are awesome in my book, not because you chose to wean at one age and not another, or that you want your own body and bed back, etc. What is awesome is that you write honestly, that you make your choices and explain them to us without a word of condemnation to other mothers choosing different paths, and that you provide an open forum for mothers to become aware of how very many different ways there are to raise such clearly glorious children like the ones you have.
Oh yeah… and I’m outing myself as a developmental psychologist for this: there is NO DATA whatsoever to support the claim that children who are breastfed longer or co-sleep with their parents for 1 year vs 6 months vs EVER are any better adjusted in childhood, nevermind adolescence. But there’s a whole lot of evidence that happier mothers (read: not isolated, not depressed) and mothers who have fulfilling marital relationships tend to bring up happier, better adjusted children (obviously these are statistics, and certainly don’t apply to ALL children, but you know what I mean).
We need to cut each other some slack here. I just wrote (http://bedtiming.typepad.com/bed-timing/2009/08/to-sum-up-a-bunch-of-your-emails.html) about how it might be best if we co-slept, or rocked, or nursed or whatever our babies to sleep for only as long as it feels right for US (read: the WHOLE family). And then when it doesn’t, change things up. Kids are incredibly flexible, parents need their own lives, and in the end, a whole lot of love and support will result in most children turning out JUST FINE (read: door-slamming adolescents who eventually admit to loving their parents again).
When you bring home a new baby, and the only way you can get any sleep is by letting her sleep with you, how can you do anything but give in?
I was not big on the idea of letting our daughter sleep with us. What if we roll over on her? Squish her? What if we are too afraid to sleep because we don’t want to roll over on her or squish her? After just a couple nights of up and down every half hour to an hour, I was like FORGET it. Put her right her beside me. Giver her the boob, and let her have at it.
When there is a new baby in the house you do whatever it is you have to do to make it work for you, the baby, and the rest of the family. No guilt, just do what you need to do to stay sane. You will know when you have the strength and will power to move on to the next thing.
This happened to me. I’m a single mom, so having Joey in my bed was okay, but I knew it was bad. When he turned 10 mths old i had to ween him. I couldn’t take it anymore. So I what I did is soak towels of wet formula milk and put them on my breast as I sat on a chair and fed him his bottle. I’m a single mom so it was a little tough. Also, Joey like to pinch my armpit to fall asleep, to this day! It’s exhausting. He hated his crib so at around 1 1/2 I transfered him into his toddler bed. I laid with him, (him soothing himself by pinching my armpit, which hurts like a mother) and eventually he learned to fall asleep alone. There are nights when I let him back in my bed and it sucks because we have to start our routine all over again.
It’s hard but you’ll get through it. I just know that once they get older and you forget about the frustration, you’ll wish you could sleep with her one more time, but don’t.
Good job mom!
Wow, lots of comments.
I just wanted to say that it’s not your fault. My little girl – who is just over 15 months – is incredibly independent and has been that way from day one. You know how babies like to snuggle on you, laying their head on your chest? Well, my baby never got that memo. She was always much more interested in looking outward.
Now that she is a toddler, she is actually MORE snuggly, it’s been so nice. She’ll go running around but come swoop by for a hug and a pat before zooming off.
My point is: Your child was born with a certain level of attachment/independence that far outweighs what we try to do.
Seriously people, that was another great GGC post – emotional, honest and beautiful. Haven’t your mother told you if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing? Move along. Write your own blog.
And Rebecca?… FUCK YES!
Be proud of yourself for practicing some form of attachment parenting for as long as you did. It is so hard to let go. I am week’s past weaning my 15 month old son and it has been hard for me, losing those precious moments of the boldest form of togetherness a mother & child can achieve. But, I must say, it is nice to have my boobs back, although without my milk they resemble month-old water balloons! Keep up the good work! By the way…my 15 month old son is no where near walking and I know Archer was a late walker. Any suggestions? I am feeling worried.
Thanks!
OH dear Lord! I just happened to glance at everyone’s comments, particularly the cruel, hateful ones from lonely women staring desperately into their computer screen waiting savagely for someone to judge! Oh my goodness, people, you should be so ashamed of yourself! This girl here is doing her best, we all are. We’re all just stumbling and falling our way through motherhood, and from the looks of her and her blog in general, she seems to be an outstanding mother!
I personally (GASP!!! OMG!! I can feel the evil stares now!) did the cry it out method and here is why, for all you judgey pants out there. Vinnie was extremely colicky. I spent my days carrying him in a sling listening to him wail uncontrollably for hours. He had a very hard time sleeping. He would nap for 20 minutes and be pissed off, tired and cranky until his next 20 min nap. When I implemented the crying it out method from time to time when I couldn’t get him to fall asleep nursing, he would sleep for ALMOST TWO HOURS!! TWO HOURS!!! And guess what? He would wake up refreshed, happy and with a huge fucking smile. He showed (and continues to show) ZERO signs of “no longer trusting me”, he is jazzed, as I am too, that when he’s awake we get to enjoy one another.
Sorry for the rant…but the nerve of some people! Unbelievable. Truly.
GOOD JOB REBECCA. You’re beautiful and so are your children. They seem perfectly happy and well adjusted.
As dooce often says: “when the shitty comments start that means you’ve finally arrived!!” congrats ggc and keep doing what you do. Your kids are undeniably loved.
I’m sitting here crying- partially because I know my 8 month old is about to have to go sleep in her bed in her room and partially because I’ve chosen to be away from her by going back to work as a teacher. I think this post was beautiful. Inspiring. Honest. Thank you so much.
Once again, thanks to all for your support. Your voices are the ones that matter. And Vinine’s Momma? Archer didn’t crawl until 13 months and walk until 17 months. One day he just stood up and walked! My suggestion is to worry not. He will eventually get there! They always do! xo!
Lovely-I think the mother daughter bond is amazing and your little fable is adorable. I would have a hard time letting go of her little hand too
Not sure if I am just in a really sappy mood or not, but that post was beautiful. My son is just a few weeks younger than Fable and very clingy, it’s hard to walk out of the room without him going into hysterics. This post has helped me to take a step back and realize that we won’t have this relationship forever, so I’m best to enjoy it while we have it.
Thanks
I have to remind myself to NEVER read your blog at work. I don’t know if it’s hormones or what but you always bring a tear (happy tears) to my eye and make me lament on the love I have for my own sweet darling.
You are such a beautiful, strong mommy. Thank you for sharing!
First of all, this was a beautifully written post. I am not a mother, but I so enjoy reading your writings because I find them incredibly insightful, honest, and let’s face it- addicting.
I too am amazed at how judgemental & opinionated people get about something that is an absolutely personal choice. I have a good friend who is planning on a natural childbirth and while I think it’s fantastic, and would try it perhaps, I am also realistic about my pain tolerance- and the manner in which she responds to me (very forceful and almost evangelical…I mean jeez, I’m 23. It was just a comment!?) surprises me everytime.
To those who are posting snarky comments: Lest not you judge unless you are willing to be judged by your own measure. Somewhere out there is a bitchy, closed-minded person who’s waiting to make you feel like shit for your parenting decisions, so maybe think a little harder before you start typing out a self-righteous rant to make yourself feel better at someone else’s expense.
GGC- You rock, mama!
I just finished your book that I received in the mail yesterday. I am 22 years old and have another semester before I graduate college. Last week I found out I was pregnant by the guy ive dated on and off for a few years. Since then I have had to say no to my Newcastle’s, Margaritas, whiskey, and Long Islands. But the shock is only now wearing off. I’ve read your blog for a little while and saw you had a book. Reading your story and seeing how happy you are and how in love you are with your kids and life inspires me. I am scared and was never even planning to have kids…it was a distant thought. I somehow thought I was infertile because surely by now I would’ve been knocked up. And since I never have been, I just thought I was immune. Like id never happen to me. How could it? I realize this is foolishness now. I read your story and I identify with a lot of the feelings you wrote about. I just wanted to say thank you. You dont know me, and I dont know you. But your story has encouraged me to think that maybe one day, it will be okay. While that is hard to see now, I feel like it is possible because of stories like yours.
Beautiful post. I… really don’t have much else to say (everyone else said it better) except thanks for writing this.
(Also, five bucks says that the ‘Doesn’t make sense’ person early in the comments has yet to raise, or even work with a teenager.)
But… WHAT ABOUT THE DRESS????
You’re doing what you feel is best as a mother, and rock on for that and all, but I MUST KNOW WHERE YOU FOUND THE RIDICULOUSLY ADORABLE DRESS!!!
Kate – the dress was a gift from my in-laws! The brand is flap happy!
Rebekah- Best of luck, lady. Sending you good thoughts for a healthy pregnancy and happy journey!
And to the rest, blessings and much love. You’re awesome.
Awww! I love it. I am going through the exact same feelings & situation with my 10 mo. baby. I have been cursing myself night after night after night for always nursing him to sleep, never leaving him alone, always picking him up when he gives the slightest whimper…etc. etc. etc. Reading your post made me feel much, much better! Thank you!
Wicked, wicked post! So good! As I read “I’ve created a monster!” I was like “but it will be so worth it!” So glad that turned out to be the ‘moral’ of the post!
It’s SO true. Childhood is short and I cherish every moment I can be with my daughters. As a stay-at-home mom, it does get crazy around here, especially at night when we all seem to play musical beds. My youngest is two and I am just starting to feel like I’m ready to night-wean her and ask her to start sleeping in her sister’s room.
I think it’s instinctual for babies to WANT to be with someone all the time — it’s how we all learn to love and trust and all that Erikson’s psychosocial development stuff. So, congrats on being brave enough to give your child the bonding she craved, AND helping her learn that she is still loved even when she sleeps by herself!
After reading the comments, I wonder if they’re seeing the word independent and think you mean her getting her own apartment, getting a job and making something of her life?
I never understand the bashing. We ALL do it differently but hopefully we ALL do what is best for US and for our babies. That’s all that matters! Shit, I still co-sleep at 5 and home school and my boys hair is longer than most girls- I get crap all the time but this is what works for us and my family and hey, we are all pretty damn happy!
Keep on keeping on with the good work mama! Fable is a doll!
Love that picture!
This post made me cry. Maybe because it’s been a long day with a screaming seven week old who finally (FINALLY) fell asleep in bed with us. I put him in his crib today to see if he’d be entertained by his mobile and I couldn’t move as I watched his first few minutes in his crib by himself with no screaming. He isn’t sleeping in it yet (our choice), but he already feels like he’s slipping from my hands with his size and his interest in the world and the beginning of independence. So reading this from someone a little further down the line just made me tear up. You’re a great mother. I’m just learning what it means to be a mother but I can recognize it. =)
Love this!
And please don’t blame yourself…I mean it is your fault, but wasn’t that time that she slept with you wonderful!?! That warm snuggly body! Those pouty baby lips! Those chubby little legs! Don’t beat yourself up!!
Lovely post. A few words regarding the negative comments on “early” weaning. Yes, the APA recommends a year of breastfeeding. Has it occurred to you that not everyone can breastfeed? What do you propose these unlucky mothers do? Do you genuinely think that formula would be sold if it simply poisoned our children? In a group of children, can you tell which ones have been breast fed and which ones have not, let alone which ones have been breast fed for a full year versus nine months?
In my case, I desperately wanted to breastfeed, but ran into two road blocks. A preemie with a disorganized latch, and insufficient breast milk. Although it’s claimed that there’s really no such thing as too little breast milk, even my lactation consultant had to admit that this was the case for me – four weeks after pumping every two hours, and several weeks of medication later. I had to give the baby formula. This was not my first choice, but, after doing some research, it seems that the benefits of breastfeeding may be somewhat exaggerated. The breast is best, but formula is pretty darned good too. The evidence that breast milk increases IQ and even that it decreases allergies is not as solid as public opinion in favor of breastfeeding would suggest.
I went through this exact same thing and it’s soooo hard! I said I would never let my child sleep with me but she did for almost a year…it wasn’t easy but I finally got her weaned at 14months and now at 18 months she sleeps in her crib almost exclusively and usually only wakes up once! It’s not easy but trust me you can do it!
That bottom picture is so unbelievably cute =) I don’t know what else to say about this – you’re the only one who knows what’s best for you and Fable – except that. CUTE CUTENESS!
Hey, that almost brought me to tears. Now i’m definitely thinking the same thing. I need a bit of detachment. And i’m definitely ready to stop the crying when he’s not being held. Thanks for sharing.
Awww you made me cry…how sweet. Remember to remind yourself 15 years from now when she’s screaming how you are the worst, most clueless person on the planet and she despises you, that she’ll regain her brain cells about 5 years later and you will be best friends forever!
Oh Rebecca, I want to yell at those who are judgmental and high five those who write in support of you doing what is right for you and fabulosa Fable (Archer too, of course). No matter how you choose to do it, or even if you change your mind part way through and try another “parenting practice”, raising children is tough. And raising happy, well-adjusted, confident children is even tougher I think, because you have to do the hard stuff, and make the choices that in the short-term are harder to do, but pay off in the long run. Everyone will give you something to feel guilty about if you allow them to. Every mother thinks they know the best and only way to get it done. Bottom line, you LOVE your kids, that is clear. You set appropriate boundaries and pay attention to your needs as well as thiers. YOU know that it’s not that someday in the future they will be individuals, they are individuals NOW. Remember, just when you think you have it down, the game changes because they’ve grown a little. And the best advice I ever got was this: it’s all temporary. Nothing they are doing, no struggle, no challenge, no crying fit or battle of wills, lasts forever (although at 2am or 3am it sure feels like it, no?) The snaps are always so sweet, you rock.
Love the smile on her face (in all her pictures)! We must have a name for that wonderful mouth-wide-open smile our little ones do! At what age do we lose that?!
That last sentence made me cry. I went through the same exact thing with my first daughter, and now I am preparing to do it again with my second in 10 weeks.
I remember hating my mother in high school. Maybe she should have told me that line, but then again I probably wouldn’t have cared…until now.
I’m going to have to start doing that to Nolan, and it breaks my heart already…just thinking about it.
This was beautiful. It made me cry.
The last sentence nearly made me cry. Nearly. The fact that I didn’t must mean my meds are working