When You’re Engulfed in Flames, Children and a Bunch of Other Sh*t
Summer came fashionably late in L.A. this year but when she finally arrived? SHE ARRIVED. Angry, unapologetic and 75% humid. I am one of the nicest people you will ever meet when I’m not sweating balls. I hug strangers, fill empty meters, dance down the streets high-fiving Suits while birds sing songs on my shoulders. But when I’m hot and my thong is stuck to my ass with itchy sweat and my shirt is soaked through and my feet are covered with a film of heat-dust-wetness? I might just punch you in the face for no reason.
It’s been in the 90′s and beyond these last two weeks- some days have reached well into the 100s and contrary to the usual LA heatwave, it’s been humid. Humidity is the single reason I could never live on the East coast. I will likely live and die on the West Coast of the US if only because I can’t deal with moist summers. Of course, humid or not, I suck at being hot. I’m a sweater. I don’t perspire like a lady, I sweat like a man. Like a LARGE, overweight man after a jog. It’s too bad, really, especially considering my hairstyle (bangs tend to get a little… piecy in 100 degree weather) but mainly its just wildly uncomfortable.
So all this to bring me to the following unfortunate truth: we don’t have air-conditioning in our house. Now, I realize there are people with far less who deal with far more and I am aware of that. I remind myself of this fact every second between the hours of 3-8pm when my house is at its hottest and I’m alone with two kids who are at their fussiest/neediest/hungriest/need-to-wrestliest.
We put a small AC unit in the kids’ bedroom hoping this would provide a sanctuary of cool during the summer but Archer refuses to play in his room and we can’t really eat dinner on Archer’s bed and who am I kidding, there’s just not enough room back there for the three of us. Especially when the dogs, who hate the heat equally insist on joining us.
So basically I’ve turned into a total nightmare bitch. The last few nights Hal hasn’t come home until well after 10pm, by which time my hair is sticking straight up with forty rubber bands, my shirt is tied up to my bra, my pants are non-existent and I’m bitter. I’m the bitterest, grumpiest bitch that ever lived. Because I just bathed Fable and then she pooped in her towel and Archer wouldn’t brush his teeth and then Fable wanted to nurse at the same time Archer wanted me to read him a story and then Fable pooped again and then Archer insisted on wearing his flannel pajamas which were too hot so we had to argue about that and then Archer wanted me to sing him a song but I forgot the words so he was like “NO! THOSE WORDS ARE WRONG!” and meanwhile Fable still refuses her crib like the plague so I’m pushing her around the house in the stroller and its a thousand degrees and Archer’s like “Mommy! Come back and sing me the gigalo song but this time SING IT RIGHT!” and I’m hot and tired and HOT and our house is too small for all of us when it’s THIS hot and I give up we need to move somewhere with central air immediately omg I’m going to cry and “Are you crying, mommy?” “No, honey. My eyeballs are just sweating” omg.
Last night brought my red-hot-bitchiness to a whole new level when after an hour and a half of rocking Fable I finally got her to sleep in her crib. It was 11pm. The kids were asleep. The house was clean. The dishes were done. I had just collapsed on the couch when Hal walked through the door, kissed me on the sweaty cheek, went back to check on the kids/adjust Fable’s crib bar and accidentally woke her up.
What happened next was not pretty. And it was in that moment of me freaking the fuck out and Hal looking at me like “OMG who are you and what have you done with my wife?” that we both realized that maybe the time has come for us to start looking for a new place to live.
Somewhere with a little more space and a lot more air-conditioning.
***
OMG, you are so not alone. I’m 8 mos pregnant with a 15 month old and we just moved into a place with no AC. I’m miserable! To top it all off, my husband is finishing up his dissertation, so he often doesn’t get home until after midnight. I’m constantly hot, exhausted, achy, and huge, and it has not helped my mood.
I’m so sorry that you have been so HOT down there. We’ve had a brutal few weeks in Vegas as well but everything is bearable when you have A/C. I hope you find a new place that will cool you all down!
I can’t imagine not having an AC, but I live in Texas so they are mandatory here.
I. HEAR. YOU. SISTER.
Grew up in Southern Cali, decided that I was sick of 100+ degree weather, so I moved to the Northwest for rain, and a little more rain. So when the temp here gets anywhere past 75 I just want to crawl in a hole, and die.
Last weekend the boyfriend and I were packing the car for a vacation and it was 85+ degrees outside. Five minutes in there was boob sweat, and foot sweat, and ass crack sweat, and once I was rocking a full on sweat mustache I just screamed, “PACK IT YOURSELF” and left.
My boyfriend and Hal should talk.
amen. I HATE being hot, and do not handle it well. Carrying a sweaty little baby around (seriously, are they like a thousand degrees?) when I am sweaty too makes me crazy and desperate for bedtime). And I refuse to succumb to feeling guilty about wanting (or having) AC. All we can do is remember always to be grateful for how lucky we are and do everything in our power to help others with less. good luck finder a bigger, and cooler place to raise your beautiful family
You’ll also want to avoid Central & Southern Texas… we get the 90s/100s & humidity from May till September or so… makes me miss the Northeast!
according to the nytimes, you are quite trendy:
http://www.nytimes.com/pages/garden/index.html
We’ve lived in the same one-bedroom apartment in West Hollywood for the past 10 years. 16 months ago, our daughter was born. To make life work, we put her in the bedroom and converted the dining room into the master bedroom. It’s weird sleeping right next to the kitchen.
Anyway, we finally couldn’t stand it anymore. We had no room for guests, we had to eat all meals on the coffee table and we’re planning on trying for #2 soon and need space for him/her as well.
So. We decided to move. There’s TONS of inventory out there right now. I don’t know what your target area or your budget are, but the first place we found was a 3/2 bottom half of a Spanish duplex on Crescent Heights Blvd in the historic section for $2K/month. We had a falling out with landlord, so continued looking and after finding another bottom half of a duplex (3/2) for $2300/month and a little 3/2 house for $2600/month, we ended up choosing a 3/2 house for $2400/month. It has a fenced-in back yard, a lemon tree, an orange tree, and the home still has all the original details from 1935. We are ecstatic.
It doesn’t have central AC, but we have a large window unit that easily cools the LR and DR, and three smaller units for the three bedrooms. Being outside in the shaded patio is wonderful, too.
The point of all this is there’s tons of inventory out there. Check Craigslist daily, but mostly, drive. Drive in all your favorite areas with pen, paper, and cell phone and even call places you don’t think are quite right. You never know what’s inside! Good luck.
here, here. we are in the process of finding a house to rent. it wasn’t the heat as long beach has been pretty nice but its the college students that just moved in next door. sweet girls but no thanks. crossing our fingers we hear good news from an awesome house down the street. good luck!
I stand in solidarity with you and your ass crack sweat. Ugh. Maybe try to spend more time at the public library?
Holy crap, how have you survived this long?
Weather.com says it’s only 67* here in southern ohio and i have the air conditioner on. I know I am going to the deepest levels of environmental hell for this BUT THE HUMIDITY IS 97%!! And it’s too cold to swim (has been most of the summer) in my flippin pool which was the whole reason we moved into these apartments. Argh! Maybe it’s because I grew up spending my summers (You know, the hot part) with my dad in Los Angeles, but I have NEGATIVE amounts of tolerance for wet air. We tried to last this morning, really, but i don’t like waking up because my covers wont shake off cos they’re so wet & my big hairy husband doesn’t like any extra help in being soggy. And I’m pregnant so really any small thing that annoys me can send me over the edge of miserablosity, so the air is on! But now i’m miserable anyway because I am having sympathy sweats for you and your horrifying lack of summer air conditioning. D: Goode luck with the house hunting!!
:O( Sorry to hear… I live in NYC, so I know that feeling all too well. However, I’ve never managed to describe it quite so accurately, vividly and eloquently. You may be a sweaty bitch, but your writing ROCKS!!
Can’t you buy a big unit for the living room? That’s what we do here: each room has its own AC, we close the windows, lock them and proceed to refrigerate ourselves well into September. Leave the house only early in the morning/after 6 pm. It’s called survival.
I totally feel you on this one. We live in Phoenix, and I have heat rash between my giant nursing a 3 week old baby boobs because it is so freakin hot. We can’t go outside here with baby for more than 5 minutes or so because it never really gets below 90 degrees
Cabin fever!
Oh man am I feeling you right now! I live in West LA and if it got any hotter I’m pretty sure my eyeballs might actually start sweating. The worst part is that we HAVE AC! A lovely central air conditioning system that we can’t turn on due to an extremely tight budget. So we walk past the little control unit in the hallway, dripping sweat down our faces and backs and stare longingly at the “cool” switch we can’t touch. I almost wish it wasn’t there, just to remove the temptation. I keep telling myself it has to cool down sometime soon, the poor dog is miserable and the cats look about ready to rebel. Hang in there, turn on the box fans, put a bucket of ice in front of them, and aim them at wherever you like to sit. Just look for the puddle of sweat on your furniture for high traffic areas.
I know this! Living in Tucson has left me very few cool days lately. It’s usually in the hundreds, I have a toddler that absolutely MUST make me move at all times, my bangs get all weird and stringy and oily when the humidity strikes which turns me into The Incredible Hulk with acne (which I’ve never had in all of my bang wearing career) on her forehead. Luckily we have A.C., so I stay inside at all times pretty much and only really venture out after 6 p.m. (at the earliest). Yes, I’ve turned into a vampire.
So, I live in Houston and it’s been 95+ everyday for the past month and SO humid. If it were any more humid I’d need gills. I have a naturally oily head, crazy humidity and bangs. So yeah, piece-y, and stuck to my forehead and gross. But, I have the greatest solution ever and it’s crazy cheap. Go to the drug store buy the midget bottles of baby powder and use SPARINGLY on the bangs, roots to tip. I have really dark, almost black hair, and if you use it sparingly enough, it doesn’t show, but gets rid of the grossness.
couple of tricks from non-air-conditioned days — your bathtub is your best friend…..keep it filled with cool water, let the babies hop in to cool off early and often, and dunk yourself too. key to sanity. another trick i’ve heard about that sounded so inspired is putting their pillows in the freezer for 10-15 mins before bedtime. major psychological points, lying down to rest on cool pillows. by the same token, seems like you could use ziploc baggies of ice, inserted under pillow, to cool things off in their crib/bed. some moms will freak about the full bathtub and baggie in a crib, so please, i’m talking about attending your baby if baby needs it. best of luck!
ps — ice cubes in the bathtub? sounds fun to me, and i bet the kids would love it. an afternoon or evening reading books together in a cool tub? better than becoming demonic sweat monsters. one more thing, it helps to get the kids cool on the outside and cool on the inside before bed — a before-bed popsicle might be a great idea. i can’t sleep when i’m hot, so i really sympathize with the kidlings. (and you!!!)
From sweaty bitch to sweaty bitch, 100 degrees sucks.
It’s been like that here too for a week or so (Spain). I also happen to live in a small island surrounded by water, two blocks away from the sea, so humidity is always here… of course I have no air conditioning since I’m living in a 60 y.o. house. Ahem.
I’m bitchy and angry and I want to kick my boyfriend in the nuts if he ever tries to touch me, wich results in bitchiness + no sex = more bitchiness. We’re hating every minute of it. I’m moving around the house in my pants because even bras/tank tops/what.e.ver are sticky and uncomfortable.
I had a temporary solution: beach at 8.30 p.m. It worked out right until my man had a crazy ear infection which resulted on a late visit to the ER (4.30 a.m.) and even though he’s recovered now he refuses to go to the beach again. I’ll def go to the beach alone if this heatwave continues. I just can’t stand it.
I live in Wisconsin and looooove hot weather because we just don’t get enough of it. There are way too many people who live here who bitch all winter long and then bitch again when it gets above 60. Man, I’ll take 90 degrees any day, even if I’m writhing in bed unable to sleep because I’m sticking to everything. Love it!
Ugh. I know your pain. I live in Iowa in an old farm house with no AC. We’ve had some 90 degree days with 80% humidity. I wanted to die. The worst is when my son would be sleepy and lay his head on my shoulder and end up with a face full of sweat and his hair plastered to his head. We have one window unit AC in his room upstairs but we sleep downstairs, so ugh again with the hot (not so hot…trying to have the, uh, relations. It shouldn’t sound like arm pit farts when you’re doing it. It just shouldn’t)
I keep seeing melodic death metal bands’ names when I read the title. Which is awesome.
Humidity sucks sweaty ass crack. I live in Louisville, KY. The Ohio Valley. Fucking low lying, wring your shirt out walking to the car, it’s too miserable to go out on a 74 degree day, please don’t touch me or I’ll bite your finger off, Ohio Valley. I’m not a sweaty person, I “glisten”. Not this year, Noooooo. June was the absolute worst. I went from an air conditioned building to my car in about 30 seconds. In that time I had a trickle of sweat running down my back. I keep a roll of paper towels in my car now. I refuse to wear a bra (unless I’m in church or most days at the office) because it was creating this unbreathable area around my boobs so suffocating I thought they were going to start wilting. By the way, my boobs are small and don’t exactly need a bra, so don’t get all “well she is from Kentucky” on me people. Man I’m pissy this morning. Sorry. It must be the fucking humidity.
I just got back from traveling and I had this horrific experience in India that your post brought to mind. For some reason we were traveling through India pre-monsoon, the absolute hottest time of the year there where the temperatures are constantly 40+ celsius (104 and up) and humid. I was there for 2 weeks and was constantly wearing a shirt soaked through in sweat. But the worst was the day we decided to make it from the border of Nepal to Varanasi, a 10 hour bus ride. Somehow we missed the AC bus (if there ever was one – it’s impossible to get good information in that country sometimes) and we hopped on the local/express bus (yes, that’s what it is called). We spent the next 12 hours (the bus was delayed along the way of course) in 110 heat, smushed between all the local folks who don’t wear deoderant, in this intense, dirty bus. We ended up closing the windows because the air blowing in was so hot that it made it worse. And then the sun shifted in the afternoon and was shining in directly on us. Meanwhile, we’d run out of water and were afraid to get off the bus at any of its stops to get more because it seemed pretty unpredictable to tell when the bus would start up again and we didn’t speak the language. Add to that blaring horns, occasional tugs of my hair from the children in the seat behind me, and people staring at us and you get the picture. It was god awful. I don’t think I have ever been hotter in my life.
Maybe you can buy another window unit and put it in the living room? The advantage of that is you can get it RIGHT NOW. GO. GET IT NOW.
(I only had window units in DC and it was a swamp there, and it did the trick. A hundred smackers at Target).
Have you thought about moving to the beach? Here in Venice it hasn’t gotten hotter than the low 80s this summer
It’s been high 90′s (and usually 100+) since May here in Southern Louisiana, with 147% humidity (you don’t think that’s possible? come sit in my backyard for an hour). We DO have central air, but after last month’s electric bill came in at over $300 for our 1200 square foot house, the hubby laid down the law and now we only run it at night. Which may lead to a divorce, and I don’t mean maybe. It’s effing hot. So hot. I’m thinking of running away to the North Pole.
Our a/c went out around mother’s day, and we live in FL. So its the heat + humidity thing times 1000. Anyway we have a home warranty. They come out and say oh you need a part we will call you back and schedule it next week because we don’t get parts delivered again until then. We finally got our A/C back mid JUNE. Which whatever I get that parts get back ordered, but grow some balls and tell me that. Don’t say the technician will call you tomorrow to schedule your appointment and then NOT F-ING CALL.
All that to say. I pity you, our a/c is working come visit the magic kingdom instead of disneyland this summer.
Ohmylord, I have lived in the South my entire life (Georgia). Same sweaty summer year. after. year. and I am STILL not used to it. Humidity is, in fact, the devil.
Okay I read your blog all the time and i have commented there but never on here. This is literally the best fricken post eva!!!I was laughing my ass off, like harder than Chris Rock stand up, laughin my ass off. And I have a 102 fever right now. Thank You Thank You Thank you!!!!It just doesn’t get worse than a sweaty bitch
Dude. A minor response: My 10 month old makes it appear as if there are blood-sucking monsters in his crib. What the hell do you do about this? He hasn’t slept in there in a month and we are considering a twin bed…
Come to the midwest, then you will know what heat feels like! I’ve known so many people who WON’T have air b/c of the bill. Well, I REFUSE to make my children suffer the way we had to in Arkansas when I was a kid. No way will I put them through that. If I had no “central air” I would trek my ass to the nearest store and pick up some window units.
HaHaHa! If my husband ever tried to “lay down the law” with me about the a/c he wouldn’t live to tell about it. It’s get sooooooooo old hearing women say he won’t “let” me do (whatever) – Please ladies, if this is you, grow some balls! My husband’s friend was basically bragging about how he ripped the phone out of the wall because the phone bill was over $50.00 per month. He humiliated his wife while laughing about the story. I told my husband in front of everyone there that if he ever tried that shit with me I would bash him over the head with that phone! We are adults: I don’t tell him what to do, he doesn’t tell me what to do! My family won’t suffer in this God-awful heat because he “won’t let” me turn on the air. What a joke!
Oh, girrrrrl. I just read your post to my husband who is all, “That sounded like you this week.” We just had a very, unapologetic heat wave up in this mug (Seattle) and let me tell you – it bit, it bit HARD. My poor six month old boy was having to settle for me walking him around the whole foods frozen food section to cool off. I swear I snapped more than a crocodile this week.
I second Laura – think about moving to the beach. When I first came to LA 3 years ago, we lived up in Hollywood, then West Hollywood, until I couldn´t take it any more. I had started to hate LA, was cranky all the time, and was convinced that LA´s hot stuffy air was trying to suffocate me. It was either moving to the Westside immediately or leaving. We moved to Santa Monica, and my life was good again. Now my boyfriend and I live in Topanga, work in Venice, and the furthest East I go is UCLA. If he drags me up to Hollywood for some reason, I´ll employ the dog technique of mouth open/tongue hanging out, interrupted only to utter “how could we ever live up here?” every few minutes, until we finally get off the 10 on Lincoln again, so trips to the East of LA have become rare.
Love it.
Awesome visuals and also quite terrifying… if John Bear and I make it – I’ll be having my second when Benjamin is about Archer’s age and oh me, oh my am I scared to death about having two. But I know it’s all well worth every second of living hell.
this may be totally unhelpful BUT – if you can move, you should move to the westsiiiiieeeede. it’s like 20 degrees cooler out here. And it’s not that bad price-wise if you don’t try to live right next to the beach – 3 miles inland and you will be set. You don’t even need a/c, just buy a screen door and open it as soon as you get up… amazing. heat sucks, I’m sorry
I do not have children, but I’m from Florida and girl, I understand what temperatures above 80 degrees can do to your mood. My roommate last summer tried to “conserve energy” (aka save money) by not keeping the AC on and immediately I was all, ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR F’N MIND and I am not even living in FL anymore- we live in MD.
Best of luck w/ home hunting- I hear now is a good time to buy.
Love the blog, love your writing!
This is a great article thank you for sharing.