I haven’t had a period in six-months. I know, I’m breastfeeding so you’re probably like, well, duh! But actually? No. I started my period six weeks post-partum because my body is insane and thinks I’m some kind of breeding ground. In the good old days, pre birth control, I would likely have ten kids by the time I was twenty-one. Rough, that would have been but I digress.
Rebecca Woolf circa a long time ago, twenty-eight-year-old mother of 18.
It isn’t a coincidence that IUD is DUI backwards. Driving drunk leads to crashing much like IUDs often do. That is, if you’re me. Specifically me last week when I had an emotional breakdown followed by a bout of OMGI’mPregnantitis. I’m usually a pretty balanced girl. I’m not prone to mood swings or PMS. I have my moments of fog but seldom freak out. That was until two weeks ago when I started to feel funny. Hormonal funny. Emotional, on edge and totally beside myself with bouts of random tears, even anger. I felt like I was crashing after a nine-month high and maybe I was. But at the time, all I could think was, “Oh my God, what if I’m pregnant?”
I had soon convinced myself that my belly was huge and pregnant looking. I examined my naked body in the bathroom mirror in disbelief.
“I look AT LEAST four-months pregnant, Oh my God.”
It didn’t stop there. My sense of smell was noticeably heightened when I evacuated my kids and dogs from our house because I smelled fire and was convinced it was coming from inside the walls. We stood outside for ten minutes with Hal on the phone, before I realized that what I was smelling was coming from a down-the-street neighbor’s charcoal barbeque.
“I think I have pregnancy nose,” I said when I called Hal back. “Oh God almighty, what if I’m pregnant! What if the IUD hath failed us and I’m six months pregnant and I’m going to sit down to pee one of these days and BOOM: A third child.”
“I think you’re crazy,” Hal said.
“Exactly. It’s hormones. Pregnancy hormones OH MY GOD! What are we going to do? Three children in a two-bedroom duplex will be MADNESS! NOOOOOOOOOO.”
“Bec, you’re not pregnant.”
Just in case, he brought home a pregnancy test.
And he was right.
And I was relieved.
But also a little freaked out that for the next five years, “Pregnancy Scares” might be my middle name because life without a period*, although, AWESOME, is kind of a little bit scary. Or maybe I should just stop watching all those “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” shows on Discovery Health.
*20% of those with Mirena IUD stop getting their period within the first year. I stopped getting mine immediately which seems rare according to the Internet but normal according to my OBGYN.