HELP! I’m a Co-Sleeping, Baby-talking Attachment Parent!
Okay, SO… The other day I was on the phone with my ladyfriend, bitching about the fact that Fable would ONLY nap on my person (in the Bjorn) and how I was literally blogging, vlogging, doing dishes, etc, with the girl strapped to me at all times.
“Hi, Attachment Parent,” she said.
“I SOOOO am not an attachment parent. Shut up.”
“You so are. Ha ha. You’re a baby-talking, co-sleeping attachment parent! You’re an attachment parent. “
I thought about it for a moment and GASPED. It was true Fable had slept pretty much at my boob every night since her birth, sleeping only one whole night in the bedside bassinet that currently houses diapers, blankets and tubes of nipple cream.
“OH MY GOD. You’re right!”
“I never thought I’d see the day. What the hell is wrong with you, woman!”
Another day in the life. Lordy help me…
Days earlier Dana had called me out for being a “babytalker” referring to me as “Babytalk” every time she called or commented on my blog. And she was right about that, too, I realized after watching this short video of Fable hanging cute on the couch. I do indeed babytalk:
The thing is? With Archer I was not like this. I mean, sure, I probably babytalked at him all damn day but I only wore him on walks around the hood, never in the house for hours at a time and we did not co-sleep either. Once in a while, maybe, but not like this.
So what happened? Is Fable a different baby than Archer was or am I a different mom? Could it be that my addiction to Fable comes from knowing how fast they grow out of infancy? Am I clinging to my baby in an unhealthy way or is this just the way Fable and I roll as a unit? Archer was always independent. He slept better in his own space then he did in our bed and was fine with napping in his swing. Is Fable more attached to me or am I the one who can’t let go?
The thing is this. Every child is different and we change as parents, as people, adapting to our children as they adapt to us, doing what we can to maintain a certain lifestyle while making sure that our babies are happy. For me, I’ve been able to stay sane, happy and productive doing whatever it is that I’m doing. So there you go.
Am I attachment parenting? Maybe. But I wouldn’t call it that. (I didn’t even know what “attachment parenting” was until my friend called me out!). I’d like to think of my co-sleeping, babywearing, babytalking ways as something that works RIGHT NOW for me and for Fable and for our family. It has nothing to do with my parenting philosophy or anything else. (My parenting philosophy happens to be: let the baby adapt to you. Go figure.)
I happen to be happiest next to my baby and she happens to sleep better and more often next to me. Time will tell if this was the wrong approach but for now? I’m doing what I do. Take it or leave it, bitches, says I in my best babytalking voice.
***
That’s attachment parenting by definition – figuring out what works for your baby and going with it rather than parenting the way somebody else tells you you should
That sure is a cute babygrrl you’ve got there, by the way.
Katie Allison Granju
I think it’s totally because you’ve seen how fast Archer grew up. You want to savor the baby flavor. It’s all good. If it works for you, then do it. Attach away.
I think it’s the baby’s personality. Before W was born I had no intention of co-sleeping or anything of that sorts but once he was out and refused to sleep anywhere but on top of me it was just the way it had to be. I tried putting him in his bed but he was having none of it. He’s my first and so far my only one so I don’t think I was clinging to his infancy knowing he would grow too fast (I know that he does grow too fast now but I didn’t know it then) it’s just the way he is. He’s now sleeping 12 hours straight in his own bed and has done so for the last 8 months and he’s 18 months old now.
Good on you for co-sleeping and babywearing and babytalking! Whatever makes you and your babe happy I say.
We are inadvertent attachment parents too. It just happened. One day we woke up and realized that we carry the kid in a sling all the time and he sleeps better in our bed and we may as well pack up the bassinet because he sure doesn’t spend any time there. And that’s okay. You and I are both responding intuitively to our childrens needs – this makes us good mothers – not necessarily a method of parenting.
First off, I love those booties! Where did you get them?? Second, I was a crazy attachment parent with Sadie, but I’m not like that with Lena. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. It seems that Sadie’s more independent because of it.
Whatever works.
Whatever parenting ideas and philosophies I had before The Boy-o was born quickly disappeared in the haze of poo and spit up and breastfeeding issues and little sleep and colic and oh-my-god when did he get so big! We all do the best we can with our individual kiddos and hope it doesn’t screw ‘em up too much. And your kiddos are obviously A-OK and adorable.
My son and daughter are as different as night and day. And yes, I do parent them differently. I think my daughter would still let me cut up her food for her (she’s 12) and never once did the “I wanna do it MYSELF” thing at all. My son? Totally independent, and would rather try himself and struggle before asking for help.
Think about how similar you and your siblings are, and ask your mom if she recognized those differences from the get-go.
I love BMC and dude, she is right on this time. You are. But at the same time, there’s nothing wrong with it either. I’ve got three and this last one…well I’m with you, either he’s different, or I’m different. But it just works. He sleeps with us, he’s literally chillin with me at all times and he’s amazing. My girls are amazing too, but I didn’t want to have them with me at all times. The connection is there with them, there is no question about it. But I’m changed this time through.
I figure when it isn’t working for me, I’ll change something. Until then, he’ll stick right here, on me, so I can sniff his wee bitty big ole head all day.
Fable is adorable and I love the video. I have to ask, what in the world is on her feet? I need those. In blue.
MY FRIEND MADE THEM!!! The booties, that is! How effing cute are they?
I never planned on being an attchment parent either but it just works for us, just like it seems to work with Fable. Every child is different. SHE IS SO adorable, by the way. And I didn’t know you had a boxer! BEST DOGS EVER!
My second son is four and a half weeks old. I’ve been wearing him for a couple of hours (minimum) during the day. He sleeps in a bassinet beside me but I pull him into bed nad he sleeps on my chest from about 4:30 to 7 every morning.
It seems to be our vibe but I also know that I’m much more acutely aware of how fast they grow. Also I feel like I have to make up for the time I miss when I’m spending time with my two and a half year old.
The sneeze! My favorite part is the sneeze! Who knew sneezing was cute! And the baby booties! I love them too! Does this friend make them for other mothers that will pay her?? No, really.
you can’t eat her face if i pop her head off first!! she is so cute. so so so cute. and love the archer/cooper cameo!
i think it’s baby’s personality. i did everything with my first daughter. my son came along 2 yrs. later and wanted to sleep in his crib. also, maybe there is a difference since you are more accepting this time around. not to say you weren’t accepting of archer. just the whole omg you’re totally changing my life thing. your life is already changed. fable didn’t make you a mommy. she was born to a mommy. so maybe it’s all about the vibe. or the baby. who knows. chicken or egg?
i hate the labels of attachment parenting, etc. it is made to be such a bad thing. with gus i naturally went that route. it was natural for me, never, ever, ever did i do something other than what felt right, you know? and did others not like it, sure? was i happy, yes! was gus happy, yes! so attatchment parent, un attatched-haha, co sleep or crying it out. whatever gets you through the day and makes you guys smile is ALL that matters! i didn’t even here about all that labeling crap until after the fact and just laughed it off. oh, also, she is adorable and you can see how stimulated and excited she gets when you talk to her… how else can you talk to a baby anyway, sounds perfectly perfect!
Hey…ya know what? You and Hal are the BEST durn parents Archer and Fable EVER will/have had. You are doing all the right things. I’m so durn proud of you both for being loving, intimate, and caring towards 1st each other, and to your AWESOME children. No worries about how you talk or how you love…you are just loving and it is apparent/evident your children are healthy and happy!!! THAT ROCKS and so do you and Hal for making it so!!!!
As far as sleeping goes, my sleeping philosophy is: Whatever gets the Most people the most sleep most of the time is the way to go. And when that stops working for you… change it. Nothing is irreparable.
And I couldn’t agree more about the, who you are and who your kid is bit. My friend was just here with his one year old… and he was saying that because his kid spends his days with 3 other kids (his cousins) he isn’t selfish and he freely gives his stuff to other kids. And I pointed out that my kid spends his days with a bunch of other kids and is extremely unwilling to share, but my friend’s kid, who spends her days all alone with her grandparents and spends almost no time with other kids is always giving Eli things when he throws a fit about not being able to have EVERY SINGLE CAR, etc. So much of how we parent is actually about who the kid is, so much more, I think, than we realize… even those of us who Realize it.
I found that its about what works for that moment. Just like me, you have to be able to function to take care of an older child. So if that means co-sleeping or attachment parenting, then so be it.
omgawd. if i’m like this with my first….what the hell is it going to be like with number 2. or 3. oh nos!
Yep. I think that’s why I had so much trouble with my career after becoming a mom. All the labels are so ridiculous & confining & patronizing. Just do what works. When it stops working, change it. You can’t worry about the things you can’t do anything about & as far as I know there ain’t no flex capicitor, yet. You’ve been saying how happy you are & how happy Fable is. The only one who seems a bit miffed from time to time is Archer, & he’s a big boy. He knows he’s loved. Don’t worry about the labels.
Well I’m a new mom and here is a thought: OMG – a brand new baby attached to her MOMMY? How terrible! By all means, dump the kid in the crib and be on your way. I think it’s wonderful you sleep with your baby and she hangs with you – right now I have my 5 week newborn on my chest as I try to type this ( i loved yoru one handed blog by teh way…) When I was being neurotic about co sleeping (aagh – I don’t want to crush my baby but he only sleeps in the crook of my arm, what do…) the nurse pointed out we are about the only country on earth with all these hang ups about babies being INDEPENDENT. Of course they are dependent, attached, permanetly super glued to our boobs – the are BABIES, that’s what they are supposed to do. They are 21 and away at college, they will have their whole lives to be grown up and un-attached. In the whole scheme of things, they have like 1 minute in the span of life to be all snuggled close. So I say, squeeze that baby close and don’t doubt yourself for one sec. You seem like a great mom and your blogs have been a life saver for me through my pregnancy and leap into motherhood. Every one of your columns reinforces my own questions / struggles / crazy mom & baby experiences and that is so reassuring. Because, randomly, motherhood can feel very isolating, lonely, and scary even in all its wonderfulness – and we moms need each other so we can laugh about random nightmares of our nipples splitting open, or carrying around a tea cup all over the house with a nipple shield all day, etc. Okay, done rambling. I say: attachment GOOD.
Jack was the same as Fable. He had to be on me *at*all*times*. Or he’d explode.
I don’t think you’re an ‘attachment parent’. I think you’re Fable’s mom, and right now Fable wants to be all dressed up in you (I’ve been listening to Belle and Sebastian all week…again). I’d just embrace it since she won’t fit into the Bjorn forever, and ‘attachment parent’ taunts will seem like the golden age.
Hey, if it works, why mess with it? I think the problem is when you don`t WANT the baby sleeping with you and that`s the only way she`ll sleep.
My kids were day and night different, so there`s that factor, too. My first was 100% “hands off, don`t touch me, lady, I`m good on my own” and the second? Opposite. So, if it`s working for the two of you, enjoy it!
I figure you take what parts of what styles work for you and your babe. I like parts of attachment parenting and not others, so fine. You don’t have to swallow any book, philosophy, or label wholesale, right? So use what works. Call it freestyle parenting.
All I can say is, “if it ain’t broke….”
My parenting philosophy is ” whatever works”. Happy Mom+happy baby=good.
All the best to your beautiful family.
For me, it’s whatever gets me through the day and technically I would be an attachment parent… but I never knew there was anything negative about being that!
Steph
it is so true about each child being different, this i can attest to as we have twins. they are both boys, both from the same uterus, made at the same time and different as night and day. one loves something one way,t he other does not. one lets us hold him a certain way the other another way. from the day they were born they ate and slept and cried differently and for different reasons. it is difficult to adjust our parenting sometimes to accommodate them (somehow they do not have seemed to get the whole adapt to us thing yet) but it is also fascinating to watch two totally different little people emerge, standing right by each other. you go with it, babywearing attachment parent to fable, it is what you both need and she looks amazing for it. happy holidays, i am loving that i found your blogs.
Ahh, Dr. Sears, see “The Baby Book”. I literally wore my son for 6 months, until he grew out of the Bjorn, and then, well, he’s 4.5 and I still can’t leave a room without him following me. I was happier with my baby attached, he rarely cried, and I was able to finish law school and intern, so if it’s working, then let it work.
Could it be that Fable is different, becuase you are in a different place? You PLANNED Fable, from what I understand Archer (as much as you love him) was not planned, so you are probably more attatched. Plus like you said she is (hopefully) your last so there is that too.
Do you EVER put your elbows down?
i say who care if its attachment parenting, not attachment parenting, right/wrong, or whatever. its your kid, do what you want. mom knows best! and don’t forget it!
maybe because you know that this is IT for you – meaning no more babies in the house and because you do in fact know how very fast it does go, you might be holding on tighter to her. AND there is nothing wrong with that.
“Am I attachment parenting? Maybe. But I wouldn’t call it that. (I didn’t even know what “attachment parenting” was until my friend called me out!). I’d like to think of my co-sleeping, babywearing, babytalking ways as something that works RIGHT NOW for me and for Fable and for our family. It has nothing to do with my parenting philosophy or anything else. (My parenting philosophy happens to be: let the baby adapt to you. Go figure.)”
Rebecca- as a fellow “accidental” attachment parenting parent- all those reasons you listed… yeah, that’s why AP parents do it. You are an attachment parent. You need to accept it! ;P Sounds like you definitely have a new parenting philosophy!
That is definitely attachment parenting. With my first two children I did NOT do attachment parenting. They both slept through the night in their cribs by 3 months old by way of crying it out. (I let them sleep wherever the crap they would the first few weeks however)
When my 3rd came along I knew he was my last. I agree, we change as Moms. We become more relaxed and also realize how fleeting the “baby time” is. I was so happy and content when Drew was born even though I also had a TWO and THREE year old in the house! I had that baby on me all day and he slept right beside or in the bed with me forever. Now, it got a bit old once he hit a year and wouldn’t do anything without me, including sleep. The first time he slept through the night: 18 months. I thought I would die because I NEED MY SLEEP like I need air. But I wouldn’t change it. He is a Mama’s Boy but not in a bratty way and is precious. He is now growing into a little man (about to be 4) and becoming more independant. Makes me even more happy about keeping him close to me as long as I did…even though I was very tired for a long, long time
i love archer’s super dope spinny spin like a runway model.
I prefer to think of it as “instinctive parenting”. Attachment Parenting, to me, sounds like they’re trying to encourage an *unnatural attachment*. I raise my son pretty much by AP standards, but that’s not by design – I’m just going with my motherly instincts.
Of course, I find it’s best to ignore those labels anyway. Whatever works best for a baby and his/her parents is generally the best thing to do, right?
My love and I just had our first baby, Cedar. He is amazing! And we have found ourselves surprised by our co-sleeping (well….SLEEPING is a stretch….but that’s another story) and extreme baby wearing styles.
My only wish is that we lived in a more tribal setting, that is, not so isolated in our little box homes. I think that would make all the difference for those of us who embrace this style of parenting our babies, which so much energy and time, yet is so worth it!
And, if anyone has tips on how to get a baby to SLEEP while co0sleeping, do share!
Maybe you’re treating her differently because she’s a girl.
It happened to me on accident too. I was totally taken off guard with my first son. Turned out the boy only slept for 20 minute stretches unless he was next to me, he nursed non stop and only napped on my person. We do what we have to do to make our lives sane. The boy was in our bed until he was about 20 months old, then we gradually weaned him into his own bed. I never expected to do that, ever. But it turned out that we really liked it. Now we’re expecting our second. I’ll be interested to see how this one turns out.
It’s ok to embrace it. They’re only little once. And you don’t have to call it anything either.
archer’s face is the best – he totally throws you that “my mom is from another planet” look.
why do we feel that we need to label our parenting, anyway? I don’t get it. Just do what works.
Ummm, your parenting philosophy was “let the baby adapt to you” is it possible that you just grew up a bit?
I guess what I’m trying to say is when you became a parent with Archer you were in a different place in life and therefore had different (untested) theories about parenting. Now with Fable you are the experienced veteran with three years of motherhood under her belt, thus you realize that babies are not accessories.
AP or not, your children seem to be loved very much so.
I read the articles, wasn’t going to co-sleep, baby will sooth himself etc. Then he came home from the hospital….He’d been sleeping by himself in the hospital for 4 1/2 months (he was born at just under 24 wks gestation), but when he got home he had to sleep on us to help with his reflux. Afteer a couple of months he slept by himself in his crib then came teething…
To make a long story short (too late) I too wear my miracle around town, I type one handed as drool coats my chest from my cuddling sleepy son, & I think ; labels or no we must be doing something right.
When they want indeoendance we”ll give it but until then enjoy the babyhood!