New Rule: An Obstetrician is no longer permitted to say things like: “I would be shocked if you didn’t go into labor within the week…” and “I betcha you won’t make it to next week’s appointment!” or “Make sure your bags are packed AND in the car. You’re going to go into labor ANY SECOND!” …
…Because hey! Guess what? Not necessarily true as I am so frustratingly finding out now, almost exactly a week since my last appointment and no labor to be found.
Yes, doctor. I am in fact still pregnant. Oh so very and completely pregnant, uncomfortable and frustrated with my state of becoming more and more so as the days pass. I don’t think I would mind my end-of-pregnancy days so much if I wasn’t expecting to go into labor “any second” for the past week. The pressure! THE PRESSURE!
Now? I’m waiting by my uterus like its some kind of idiot boyfriend who I know isn’t going to call me anytime soon, even though my doctor promised otherwise. LIAR! LIES! LIAAAAAAR!
It seems that Doc’s crystal ball is a bit on the hazy side…
Okay so my doctor didn’t exactly promise that I’d go into labor. He did mutter all of the above quotes, leading me to believe that OMG, I better hide out in my house so my water doesn’t break at my local coffee-house in front of all my dude-friends, who I’m sure would be anything but stoked to drown in the token pregnant chick’s amniotic fluid!!! Ahhhh!!!
So here I reside, in my humble abode, camped out on my couch, trying to self-induce with spicy food, sex when its available, curious massage techniques and of course, a whole lotta pleading with the bebe inside my belly TO PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, COME OUT!!!!
Of course, if I go into labor in the next 21 hours, docs totally off the hook. As it stands right now? I’m submitting my NEW RULE to Bill Maher.