Hooray! It’s time for another round of Weird Pregnancy Symptoms! As always, please feel free to add your favorite “wacky” symptoms below.
7. Bloody Pillows, Hands, Napkins and Face
I know it’s Hollywood and all, but even by LA standards my bloody nose runneth over. From the looks of my bathroom wastebasket, I’ve been out partying all night. Every time I sneeze, blow, wipe or just breathe, my nose starts bleeding like a faucet from The Shining. I remember being a little kid and thinking bloody noses were tre tre chic. I would walk around school (true story) with Kleenex in my nostrils thinking i was the shit of all shits.
“Oh this? Just a bloody nose,” I’d say, convinced I was impressing the boys.
I’ve since grown up and bloody noses in public are as they always should have been: embarrassing and awkward. Like for instance, grocery shopping with a bloody nose? Again, this is LA where the peeps love them some nose candy but still — I’m not a sight to behold. The other day I ran out of Kleenex and had to make due with paper from my moleskin. I forgot all about the bloody pages until I whipped out the notebook several days later and BEHOLD! A MASSACRE!
Oy to the Vey.
8. Crazy Sex Dreams
Maybe it has something to do with my lack of sex drive now that I’m the size of a water buffalo but the sex dreams are out of control. Like, I don’t even feel comfortable writing about them, which is totally unlike me because I’m comfortable writing about everything. I will say this — Every morning I wake up surprised there is only one man in my bed. And that he’s my husband.
9. Being Allergic to Touch (unless we’re talking foot rubs which is all I want.)
Being that I’m a crazy orgy-obsessed, swinging, lesbian with a strap-on collection in my sleep, I obviously must be allergic to touch when I’m awake. I cringe when people touch me anywhere, especially in or around the belly region. In fact, I find myself blocking people even before they step into my personal space. I’m usually a touchy-feely, huggy, kissy person, even with strangers who I tend to squeeze the bajeesus out of upon our first meeting. I LOVE me some hugs! Cab drivers, strange children at the park, grocery checkers… Skies the limit when it comes to love. But right now I don’t even want to think about being touched by anyone. Even Hal’s hugs feel uncomfortable. And when he sits next to me I feel the need to scoot over. My skin has become so sensitive to touch it almost hurts to brush up against him or anyone else. Of course, the foot rubs? That’s another story. I crave foot rubs like I once did pickles*.
Ah…. foot rubs.
*what can I say? I’m a total pregnancy cliche.