Straight From the Bottle

You're fabulous and I love reading your blog - and I'm not even a parent!  The "child mother's high-heels" is a feeling I get all the time; I often feel as though I'm pretending to be an adult.  Maybe it's sort of a "fake it 'til you make it" moment.  And, just to throw my two cents in the mix, that preschool might need a level headed, no drama mama like you to be the voice of reason.  Or, maybe, you go once and realize it's a complete waste of time.  At least you tried.  Archer's happy, he has two devoted, loving parents - in my book, that's what counts.    

Dude, I am so not ready for the requirements of being a parent of school-attending twins. Their birthday is in a few months and I'm already panicking about the idea of inviting TWO WHOLE CLASSROOMS to a freakin' birthday party. Really? Do I need to do this? I'm wondering if I can get away with a minor celebration again this year... like a cupcake. Each. Just for us. However, a friend recently told us about a bar that opens up its doors on weekends for kids' birthdays... and that one might be right up our alley, as long as it's cheap enough and there's enough room for 40 kids to run around for a couple of hours. I mean really, all they need is a few balloons to chase and they are happy.

But secret parent meetings? Ugh. What happened to just talking to the school director about your concerns?

My three year old son will cry when I leave him at school (although we're going on day 3 of no tears) but just like Archer, he's the happiest kid when I pick him up.  Some days he's not ready to leave.

Hang in there.  You don't strike me as a conformist. ;o) Make them see the frivilocity of their dramatic ways. lol

TOTALLY know what you're talking about! Great post!

I just signed my little one up for daycare yesterday (he's 21 months).  I've been feeling guilty ever since but I know it is the right decision.  This entry hit a little too close to home

I think one of the great secrets of adulthood and especially parenthood is how many of us feel like imposters.  It's kind of like that Far Side cartoon that has one of the wolves in sheep's clothing taking off his costume head and saying, "Wait a minute, isn't anyone here a real sheep?"  I've got a house and a backyard and I probably look an awful lot like a real adult and I seem to pass okay in the adult world but I totally feel like I'm faking it half the time.

Whaaa? You have to invite the whole class?! I NEVER did that, nor was I ever invited to a whole class birthday party. Usually my mom would make cupcakes for the class and I'd take them to school with me on my birthday. That's it! Then I'd do the usual bday party thing with my friends.

Also, it seems like less kids are having the big ol' bday parties of old. My cousin (she's 12 now), usually just has one or two friends over and my aunt takes them somewhere for the day (the zoo, or bowling, etc).

So pfft to inviting the whole class. And even though you feel like a quasi-adult (and I SO know what you mean), you get to make the rules now! So forget about lame bitchy parents' meetings and bday party etiquette. Archer will thank you for not 'going with the flow'

school parties so young...craziness!  i know how you feel though cause i always feel like that. glad archer likes his school!

Eh, you will worry about this until the next one comes and then you throw your hands in the air and say, Screw it I got stuff to do.  

We invite everyone in my daughter's class, because I know they won't all show up.  I use to be all consumed with other people's houses, elaborate b-day parties for the kids, etc.  Now, I have 2 kids and am too tired to give a rat's ass.  

How about inviting one child for each year of age? (Like when he's 4, 4 kids.)  I've heard of this being appropriate for the ages of kids, and if you make it a rule now, you won't have the guilt later.  Just don't advertise, and it' likely won't be a big deal.  (And I bet some other parents would follow you on this...) Birthday parties get to be such a colossal deal, and they really don't need to be.  A bit of cake, playing together in their room for a while or in the backyard--no big deal.  Our culture makes too much of it--it's not like they're the Son Of God or something.  They're just a year older.  (Jaded already, and mine's only 7.5 months.)

Yes... I wonder every day WHY THE DRAMA!!! My son is only 10 months old and in my mother's group there is more drama than necessary. What the heck? My husband says it's the way formerly successful career women deal with the transition to SAHM... I'm not convinced. I try to hang back. No one should be forced to invite the whole class. What if you send cupcakes to school and hten just invite his friends? Or does your school do the no outside food allowed thing?

I have a four year old son.  He's in 4k at a methodist church pre-school. All I can say to your post is "Amen, I feel your pain!!!!!!" Geez.

Ahhhh ... did I write this ???

As I picked my 4 year old babe up today and stood on the sideline while others gathered and chatted about mom duties ... all i wanted was to hug my lil' one ....

The beauty of being a kid is ... having fun ... being carefree ...and doing what comes natural ... and all us mama's should follow our kids cues ...  RELAX : Have fun and know if we love em' enough : they are doing fine.

You blogged this beautifully ! (is that a word ! ) ha !

Noelle

-chulamamama

There is no hard and fast rule about the birthday thing. Don't invite the whole class. There's definitely no need. Go with a few children and don't make it a 'party' but make it more like a fun play date or something. Way less pressure for everyone. Although you may feel like Archer is getting a lot older, he's still young and doesn't really know about birthday parties with 15-20 people and isn't expecting one.

Mine's in kindergarten now, after 2 years of preschool, and I still feel the same way - how can you invite the whole class to a birthday party?  How can you afford Chuck-E-Cheese for 20 kids?  My yard is a tiny apartment yard, my house is a tiny apartment, my budget is "hi mom, can you buy party favors for W's party?" and homemade cake.  I just don't fit in with the other moms.

Good grief.  I hate all of that crap.  I am so entirely happy with my diverse lower income neighborhood where all of us are too busy with holding our lives together and trying to squeeze in enough time just to be good parents to our kids to bother with something like a parents union.  What on earth is the big deal?  My kids' teachers come and leave without any notice whatsoever, and he just likes all of them regardless.  I found what I consider to be an excellent preschool, and I'm happy and he's happy.

Shudder.  I really am not a fan of even conversing with what I tend to think of as 'real moms'.

Anyway, I'd do what that other mom said - give it a try, if it's a miserable massive waste of time and energy, drop it.

btw, I absolutely love your blog.  It's the only one on here that I read every single one of.

we invite the age.  and with the twins that doesn't mean we double it.  the bug is 2 this year and we'll invite 2 if there are 2 kids he plays with regularly at his 3 hours a week in school.  if not, we'll do family.  tons of families do the whole class thing and it is not for me.  we like small parties in our house with our families and a few kids.  i'm sure it will change as they get older (ie, they'll chuck the family) but until then, we'll stick to this formula.

No you do not have to invite the whole class (for preschoolers???) and you don't have to go to meetings that make you feel creepy - be true to yourself, trust your gut, and guide your child as YOU see fit - my oh my, what a weird, frightening world we live in.  Parenting is not supposed to be a contact sport.  I went to a 2 year old's party with my first son and could not believe it - 22 two

yr olds expected to sit in a circle and wait while Mr. Birthday Boy unwrapped a dump load of gifts - outrageously expensive gifts - that he ripped and tossed, ridiculous.  We now only go to those we know very well and we don't have big parties - family and one or two other families.  I like the idea that you invite the number of guests to match the child's age.  My sister's kids are in grades 4 and 1 and she still bucks the trend - they invite up to 6 close friends for a special event (like a movie, bowling) but they don't buy in to the hoopla.  The other thing many friends I know do with older kids is they tell their guests to bring donations for the food bank or the SPCA or other favourite charity rather than gifts for them.  Good luck, and you're not alone feeling like it is a mine field out there...

you make me feel less crazy- I have an almost 9 month old and feel the same way when thrust into 'mommy' situations. I think it has a lot to do with age, and values you want for the kiddo. it seems to me it is like the new status symbol to be able to invite everyone to the fancy pants little kid parties like women who are of a certain age and traded offices for sandboxes are trying to 'save face' or something.. i dont know but i feel your pain

Believe me, it gets worse when grade school starts.... I felt like a fish outta water at my first PTA meeting!! Still reeling and haven't been to another since!

I am relieved that my kid's birthday is in the summer! Most people are on vacation for his birthday! At the very least, in our school, they don't suggest inviting the whole class, but they ask that you refrain from handing out the invites at school and have thusly, provided a mailing list for the students so there is no pressure to invite all the kids.

Thanks for giving voice to the sentiments I feel regularly in this parenting journey. I didn't tolerate this nonsense in high school, and oddly, felt more secure in that desicion way back then! Now, find the pressure as a parent 10 times worse, because I don't want my decision to stay out of the superfical fray to adversely effect him. In order to role model living authenticly for my son, I have to resist the temptation to "fit in" in ways that fly in the face of who I am and who we want him to be.

Thanks for writing about it. :)

Um, Becs, A Whole New World is Aladdin, not Little Mermaid. Duh!

Oh, yet another reason I love homeschooling. At this age, I basically still get to pick James' friend's (he's 3), so no big parties with kids or parents I hate.

Rebecca,

You are absolutely correct.  The whole parenthood/adulthood thing is worse than high school.  Don't let the fact that you don't have the deluxe car/house or whatever get you down.  I will be hitting the big 4-0 this year, and really, I wasted so much time being sad about not being as "cool" as the other moms.  In the end, you can't take it with you.

I have 3 kids--18 years old, 3 and 5 years old.  It goes by all too quickly.  Enjoy Archer and to hell with the rest of it.  All he needs are two parents who love him and want what's best.  

On one last note, technically, as long as you don't send out  invitations via preschool, you can invite whoever you want to Archer's party.  I'd go that route if I were you.

My kid's older now but I remember back when the "whole class" rule was in effect... In the schools we've been involved with, the rule was if you're going to hand out invitations at school, then you gotta invite the whole class.  But there was no rule about what people did on their own time.  Plenty of us had smaller parties, especially those of us with timid kids.  We were all sensitive to hurting kids (and parents') feelings, and just didn't talk about parties that not everyone was invited to.  Regular good manners.  It's all worked out well.

Are you feeling pressure from the parents, or is it something from the school?

And secret parent meetings about stuff that happened last year?  Do not feel guilty about bailing.

Rebecca, thanks so much for voicing SO much of what I feel as a newish mum to a 20 month yr old. as everyone has said, you stick to your guns! you give us all strength, voicing what we feel; argh, thinking How can we reciprocate all the invites we get to big homes, full of toys, when our little cottage is bursting with one boy & one old cat ! and all these mom-types So serious @ playgroup, nursery, etc. , instead of just living these amazing kid days (and boning up on all-important disney trivia :-) and, yeah, invite/do what you & Archer want to, the special day out with a few friends sounds fab.

Hey Rebecca,

Have been following your blog since I became a 'guest parent' of a baby a year ago. I feel compelled to leave a comment about this as an 'outsider'. I think its such a shame that true values and honest love are turned into a kind of 'world's best parent' competition. You don't have to prove your dedication to the child you spend every waking minute worrying about by showing up at a rally or a meeting at the docks. The kids will have forgotten what the issue was about long before the parents have stopped kicking up the fuss!

And how expensive are kids parties these days? If the school wants to cough up the cash to accomodate a birthday party every week, then bring it on!! Otherwise, let it be down to the individual. Please don't feel insecure about your parenting skills because you don't agree with the majority. Given the chance, I'm sure qome of them would like to concentrate their efforts in a more productive way.

Ask your son what HE wants to do for his birthday, or tell him he can invite 3 kids and see who he chooses. My daughter would be overwhelmed and unhappy with her whole class at our house; she really just enjoys her best friend and a few others. And I agree with the above: don't think you are a poor parent just because you don't go along with everyone else. All the drama comes from people with way too much time on their hands. Focus on your little boy and everything else will fall into place.

I can relate to the "invite your whole class" thing, and therefore only invited her friends from outside school.  I can't afford/stand that many kids in my house anyhow.  Turned out wonderfully!

Holy shit! I thought introducing solids was a headache. Preschool, lawd!

My son's preschool actually encourages in-class birthdays. As in, you bring in a few goodies to share with the class and that's it! I think it's their way of negating the "invite the whole class" thing.  So I'm taking in cupcakes and some goodie bags, then I'll have a small party with his playgroup friends. At this age, they don't really care as long as some other kids are around to scream with.

And what's with a "parent's union"?! It's preschool for god's sakes! We had a teacher leave without notice... and she was a drama headcase.  Good riddance!

sounds tough but i win because it's way more awkward for me since i work at the school that my daughter goes to! i have to go to parties and "playdates" (WTF??)with parents of children in my class. i have to tactfully answer all of those questions about which teachers are leaving, why this, why that....it's weird. the houses are always so gorgeous that i would never reciprocate the invitation out of sheer embarrassment (and i am NOT usually that way)or the parties are at the local hot spot and my daughter wants to know why her party isn't there and why every kid in her class isn't invited. at the last party i mentioned that i was going to paint my living room and a mom asked who i was getting. i didn't even understand what she meant so she asked "are you doing it yourself?" i still didn't get it and said "no, my husband will help" she looked shocked and finally just exclaimed "you're not hiring painters??" umm, that would be a no. oy, i have another party tomorrow. wish me luck!!!