(Cue ballad-esque music.)

2007 has been a year of highs and lows. Agonies and ecstasies. Moments both predictable and surprising. Good times and bad. Smiles and frowns. Bad days and good nights. Tears of joy and depression. (Insert bad High School graduation speech cliche, here.) So it is with great honor and gratitude that I present you with the top ten high-points of Straight From the Bottle! Followed by this year's "stinky diapers" or low, sad, and/or difficult moments:

Ten Tasty Tushies (Good Times) 2007

1. All Those Wonderful Outings (Even if by the time we got there it was over) Better late than never, as they say. (And high-fives to "they" who "say".)

2. Freedom Isn't Free (It's actually pretty expensive after airfare, hotel, etc, etc.): My first solo-trip away from Archer made me realize the importance of having a life outside the mother hood. 

3.  I Fall In Love... With a Friend: Who also happens to have a son Archer's age. (And I'm happy to say, we're still going strong, today.)

4. Archer Turns Two, Wins Hearts: Another gushy letter but how can I help it? I mean... Really.

5. Penis Balloons! Ah, Very Festive!:  This was one of the highlights of the year fo sho: Archer's 2nd Birthday Party. And this post? Maybe the most I've ever laughed while writing. Gotta love that.  

6. Viva Los Camino De Sesame!: Finding out that because of Sesame Street I could sleep in? Praise Jeebs, that was a beautiful, beautiful day. 

7. Better Really Late Than Really, Really Late: Archer starts talking. A little bit. Finally. (And never a sweeter sound...)

8. Archer Blows Out the Fire: The most touching moment of the year for sure and a moment I will never forget. Not that I ever doubted Archer's quiet wisdom, but still, I was floored by his eloquence. 

9. Halloween and Halloweeve: This is kind of a two-part hit because Halloween deserves two thumbs-ups for sure. We went as the Ernie and Bert family, complete with Rubber Ducky. I looked more like a freaky clown but Archer's cute and Hal's unibrow were so impressive nobody cared about my failed "look". Halloweeve was just a good excuse to be a poet. (And, yes! I know it!) 

10. Holiday. Celebrate. (It has been so nice!): Still home for the holidays, here. And it's been great. Even though we're all still sick. Can't nobody hold us down...

1. Archer Literally Gives me a Piece of Poop: Oh, man. Nothing says parenthood like clutching a piece of poop in the shower. That about sums it up. 

2. Judgment Day: After judging parents who use toddler-leashes, I almost become one, myself. Almost. 

3. Acquiescing to Archer's "Testing": I've written about this at length on both of my blogs, but the hardest part was having to swallow my pride and "seek help when I felt I should be giving it..."

4. Archer's Nightmares, Same as My Own: I was going through a really rough time when I wrote this. Bad. Bad. Bad. In retrospect I'm pretty sure that's where Archer's nightmares were coming from. I couldn't sleep most nights, haunted by my own demons that no one but I could make go away. And that was rough. Realizing that I was an adult. On my own. In the bed that I had made. Unable to help myself and therefore unable to help Archer. 

5. The Loneliness of the Long-Distance Mother: I think it's safe to say we've all been there... in the movie theatre alone. Or the bookstore. Or the party... surrounded by people and yet, lost, out-of-our element: alone. Of course, none of us are alone in our feeling this way. And that's kind of nice to know. Really nice, actually.

6. Terrible Tantrums (He's Two, Folks.): Nothing says toddler like a good old-fashioned tantrum in a public place. Make it a daily occurrence and, well... sarcasm certainly helps. 

7. Realizing That I'm Annoying as Shit (And you realizing that you're just as annoying): Hal and I take our first vacation together without Archer which was awesome but what was not so awesome was how much we talked about Archer, like, to strangers. Uh-Noy-Ing x 9891283. 

8. Yummy Mummies? What a Crock: I was not stoked after reading the Yummy Mummy essay is Harper's Bazaar and am finding it a lot annoying at the categorization of modern mothers. Are you a hipster parent? A yummy mummy? A SAHM? WHO CARES!? Anyway, I ranted a teensy tinsy bit about it, here.

9. Nicole Richie Steals Archer's Name (in my dream): In a recent dream Nicole Richie named her unborn baby, Archer, which sucked but not as bad as the epiphany I gained from said dream. (Damn subconscious! Ahhhh!)

10. Hellmerican Airlines:  High School Musical 2? Archer up all night pressing buttons and driving us all mad on the red-eye from LAX to Fort Lauderdale. SUCK to the Y. Still recovering from that one, actually. Road trips on the other hand, we're damn good at.

*** 

Now, if I may... a toast. Let us all lift our glasses in celebration! For we have survived 2007 as parents and/or humans. May 2008 be just as survivable! Here's to a future of memories and moments both tasty and stinking of poo! (Because that's what it's all about, people. That's what it's all about.)

***