When I was three years old I refused to say I was sorry. I refused at
four, five, and even six, my reasoning being, "Why should I say I'm
sorry if I'm not sorry? I didn't do anything wrong." My mom fought me
on this issue for years, until eventually I succumbed. Because whether
I meant it or not was beside the point. People say they're sorry even when they're not. Because it's the right thing to do. Because it's kind.
I
played the piano by ear for many years. But it was Bach, not Bech, so I
quit. Because I couldn't read music as well as I could play by ear.
Because I wanted to arrange everything myself. And I refused to
practice any other way.
My way or the highway.
A
pain in the ass? Maybe, but that was a risk I was willing to take.
Because I knew what I wanted and I couldn't do something I didn't love.
I didn't hesitate. I acted on impulse and always from a place of
personal truth.
I disagreed with an assignment in school? I
refused to do it, backing up my reasons with five pages essays, even if
the assignment was to write a paragraph. Write a paragraph about what the truth means. I
earned zeros on multiple occasions for some of my best work. I made up
for low scores with extra credit to maintain my A average and keep my
AP courses. Whatever it took. Compromise. Breaking rules to prove a
point was always more important to me than following rules and having
no point at all. What's the point... If there's no point?
Several
years ago I was arrested for kidnapping a friend on his birthday. Some
idiot drove by and saw us carrying our friend into our car with a
sweatshirt over his face and the SWAT team showed up minutes later. Gun
to my head, I managed to say two things to the officers who had cuffed
me and flattened me against the asphalt in my party dress "fuck you."
I
didn't even know I said it. It slipped out. I realize now this was very
stupid of me and blame myself for having to endure 15 minutes with my
face in the concrete. I like to think I learned a valuable lesson from
the experience. "Shut the fuck up when an officer pulls his weapon."
I
am horribly stubborn, have been since birth apparently. I am always
right and always have been. This is my worst quality, I realize, but
also my biggest asset. Because I can stand strong on my own. Because I
am not a sheep. Because I stand by my ideas and my emotions and my
people. I am a loyal friend and parent, daughter and sister.
Today
was Archer's final evaluation with the developmental specialist, who
explained to us that Archer had a severe case of "my-way-or-the-highway
syndrome." In other words, he's a giant pain in the ass like me.
"He doesn't want to do what he is told. He's rebelling. Already."
Meanwhile,
Archer placed the blue circle on the black square and the red triangle
on the green rectangle and laughed uncontrollably at the specialist who
said, "no, Archer. You have to do it THIS way."
But Archer said
no. He didn't want to. He wasn't sorry. Or afraid. Or eager to impress.
He had his own ideas. He wanted to write his own paper. He was telling
her nicely to "fuck off."
At first I thought, "Come on, Archer. Just put the green triangle on the green triangle.... for Mommy. Please?"
But then she said something that changed my mind:
"Archer.
I know you don't want to but you're going to have to learn how to
conform if you want to get anywhere in this world, bud..."
Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt. Oh, no you didn't.
She
turned to me. "He's going to eventually learn to do as he is told. I
mean, that's the world we live in, unfortunately. That's the only way
to succeed."
And then I got angry. Because she was wrong. And
because that is what everyone is made to think. To get in line, to take
a number, to do what you are told, even if and when you disagree. No.
That is not the world we live in. That is how we are TOLD we must live
in order to get by. That is why "the world we live in" is so fucked up.
No one wants to speak up anymore. Conform! Conform! Conform!
"Actually, no. That is not the ONLY way to succeed."
Because "getting by" is not what life's about. Aspiring for mediocrity and doing what we are told is not what one should learn
how to do. Conforming is not the answer to Archer's developmental
"differences." Or anyone's for that matter. If our kids are the future
for God's sake let's teach them well and LET THEM LEAD the way. Because
following the leader has never been a way to make any positive change.
So what the fuck is going on then? Why has everyone tricked themselves
into thinking so? How can a woman say "the only way to get by is to
conform" and BELIEVE it? That is NOT what we should be teaching our
children. And you can be damned sure that is not what ANYONE will teach
mine.
I know Archer is special. He beats to the rhythm of his
own drum. He has an instinctual independence that has enabled him to
create his own language, regardless of the fact no one can understand
him. He knows what he wants. He does his own thing.
I
understand. I can relate. And although my stubbornness has made me a
giant pain on the ass on many occasions it has also done a tremendous
amount of good. My parents were damn good at being parents. They
enabled me to be me, and taught me how to compromise but never to
conform.
I would have rebelled against them if they had. I would
have run away. Just like I know Archer will do if I or anyone else
tries to put him in a box.
After These Three Ists of Orient,
I have agreed to put Archer in speech therapy because, he should
probably know some English if he plans on doing anything extraordinary
for America (or any English-speaking countries) and honestly, I have no
idea what the Ists will come back at us with, recommendations for
"green on green class" or whatever they offer these days to teach
toddlers how to sit quietly with different color piles of shapes.
And
if my kids should grow up pains in the asses like me? Let them. Let
them believe in themselves instead of apologizing for all the things
they aren't sorry for.
I am relieved to hear that Archer's only
difference is that "he wants to be different" even though I knew it all
along. I am grateful to the Ists and their tests and helping show me
what advice I should take and what advice I should ignore. After all,
parenting is about learning to compromise, something I wrestle with
daily as I'm sure all parents do. Something Archer will wrestle with,
too.
You have to know the rules before you break them and all of
that, and Archer will certainly know rules. But he will also make his
own. And I will stand by to make sure he knows that although conformity
is a way to get by in this world, it has never been a way to excel. Ever.
And I won't be sorry for saying so.
***
