I was serious about not needing "no stinking theme" but in the future having at least some idea might be a good thing. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for winging it. I even wrote, weeks ago, about my "psh, whatever" attitude to party planning but I still am, no matter what, a woman. And women have pictures of things in their heads of how things "should" look even if they don't want to. And men, no matter how much we think they know us, are not, I REPEAT NOT! mind-readers.

 
Saturday we celebrated Archer's second birthday party at my parent's house and while my mother and I were out buying food and drink, I sent Hal out to go buy balloons.

"A nice colorful bouquet!" I said.

"Any particular kind?" He asked.

"Any kind you want, baby."

That is where I went wrong. I should have given him exact orders. I should have used the word "helium" or "strings" or something besides "bouquet" because "bouquet" didn't quite cut it. Hal went and got the kind of balloons he liked and my mother and I came home to this:
 

 ... Piles of "one-eyed caterpillar" balloons which I am pretty sure were meant for a bachelorette party and not a child's two-year birthday bash. Pretty sure.

"What the hell?" I said, dropping the ice.

"What?"

"Are those penis balloons?"

"No! They're caterpillars! I thought they were cool!"

"Is this all you bought?"
 

"This is what you asked for!"

"I said bouquet!"
 

"I thought you just wanted balloons, like... in a bag."

"Are these condoms?"

"No! They're caterpillars!"

"They look like dildos! We're going to decorate my parent's house with huge colorful penises?" 

"They have faces!" 

"They're cocks!"

"They are not! They're caterpillars!" 

"Fine! They're caterpillars! Great. Thank you. Good job," I finally said, half-pissed and maybe just a tiny bit pleased.  After all, I can appreciate a good cock and ball joke as much as the next person. Ahem:

Because when life gives you penis-balloons, you make penis-balloon-ade:

So with a little help from my mother, I decorated the house with phallic displays of festivity that included several quaint and colorful light fixtures:

It all worked out in the end. Archer had a room full of balloons to kick and pop and run around clubbing people with. And if you can believe it? No one, not even my grandmothers noticed anything out of the ordinary.

 
..... 

For more on Archer's 2nd birthday party, click here.