Not Allowed
Archer crouched and watched the older boys from the space between the steps on the jungle gym with the slide. He gazed at the little boys digging holes with shovels and their bare hands. Like usual, he was too shy to approach them. Too interested to look away.
I called for him from the side of the sandbox but he ignored me.
Leave me alone, Mom.
He must have sat there for ten minutes, spying on the other boys, watching the way they pushed the sand to one side and how wet it got, the deeper they dug. No one noticed Archer watching. He has a way of making himself invisible, as still and silent as a spy.
Minutes passed until finally Archer shimmied out of the space between the stairs and ran around the corner to where the slide was and all of the little boys digging holes in the sand. He slowly crouched down next to them and started to dig, placing handfulls of sand in one of the the three piles, just like the other boys did.
The oldest boy spotted him, a newbie in his crew and immediatly pushed him hard in the chest. He fell back.
“Get out of here little boy,” the oldest boy said. “You’re ruining it.”
Archer got up and scurried toward me. He had sand in his eyes but he wasn’t crying.
“You’re okay,” I said. “Everything’s fine.”
I put Archer on my lap and we climbed into the swing and watched the boys from afar, my hands clenched in fists as I eyed the older boy. The bully. That little fucking shit.
It is very difficult to watch my son try to socialize with the other kids and then get knocked down. It is even harder to keep my mouth shut when I want to scream in the faces of anyone who does Archer any harm.
“So what am I supposed to do?” I asked myself, swinging back and forth with Archer’s head in my chest.
And the answer, of course, was “nothing.”
Because the sand doesn’t stop at the edge of the cement. It goes on
and on and the entire world is full of holes and slides and bullies.
And sometimes we’re just not allowed. Not allowed to play in the sand with the other boys. Not allowed to scream at another mother’s child for being a shit. Because it is my duty to let Archer figure
out this stuff on his own. And that, I am learning, is one of the hardest parts about being a parent:
Not being allowed.
***
How old were the other kids? And where were their mothers? I could not have said nothing. I think that sometimes kids learn how to stick up for themselves but seeing how their parents handle the bullies. I’m not saying that you were wrong, just a different method. That’s what makes parenting so hard. There is no right answer so many times.
How dare they? What would have been so wrong to let Archer play? I know, I know playground politics.
I am mad everytime Amber comes home with a new story about something her “friends” said or did to her that day at school. I keep telling her to stand up for herself, but I think she is like me and wants to be liked so bad.
We are trying to build her self confidence so she can laugh in the face of any bully and move on with her life. Being on the business end of a bully is no fun.
I agree with you. but did you look at the point that maybe because you didnt tell that Mean Shit that hitting or pushing isnt nice,that maybe Archer thinks it might be okay to do this now. tell Archer that Vincents Mommy said “that boy was being mean and that he shouldnt have pushed you, because its not nice. Vincent would love to play in the sand with you.”
*You are a great mom, i love reading your blog!
I am so sad from your story about Archer and the mean little boys! I can feel your fury and see the confusion in his eye’s. My son is 18 months old and I’m nervous for the first time this will happen to my little baby. You handled it well. You should be proud of yourself and your sweet little angel. I wish we lived near each other so they little guys could play together.
*LONG time reader, but a bit of a lurker* You’re great, and other mom’s like me can realte to your stories…keep ‘em coming!
I just learned how difficult it is to bite my tongue when it comes to people hurting my kids feelings. The other day we were playing in the front yard and a young boy was riding his skateboard back in forth on our street. Everytime he would pass by our yard my daughter would drop everything and start waving and saying “Hi!”. ( she will be 2 on May 22) and he ignored her everytime and her little smile would drop as he skated by without a glance towards her. I wanted so bad to grab this kid and yell at him, ‘wave back to her you little punk” But I didn’t and just went to my daughter and told her was a nice person she was for waving to that kid.
I once tried correcting a little boy on the playground who kept pushing little girls (including my 2-year-old) around, and I felt justified because some of what he was doing was dangerous. I got frustrated at one point and finally asked “Where is your mom?” and he pointed to a woman sitting on the grass right behind me! I couldn’t believe she had watched her son push my kid off a ladder and done nothing so I asked her about it. She said, “Well, he’s a boy.” All I could think was “No, he’s a jerk–and he’s a jerk because you’re allowing him to be.” I hope I do better with my own son.
I can’t even watch my husband play indoor soccer because the other boys pick on him sometimes…I get irate and start threatening to kick somebody’s ass. My husband thinks it’s sweet?? but I’m dreading the playground when I have to watch my 1 year old son get bullied around. I applaud your self-control. I think the mother of the little weasel wouldn’t appreciate some insane asian chick lurching towards her or her son with a sand shovel so I’m glad I wasn’t there. Archer is a such a cute kid btw. uckh. I hate bullies.
This reminds me of the time I saw a kid with his grandmother at our park, and when he got in a fight with some other kid, she just said, “This is a playground thing. I’m not getting involved.” Then why the hell bother to go with him to the damn park?
Sometimes other kids push Porter, sometimes Porter pushes other kids, sometimes other kids push Miles. (Not vice-versa in that case; Miles is too much of a sweetie.) That’s just part of playground life. But I hate it when the parents don’t give a damn.
Totally. Drives me crazy, too.
okay, it’s good you didn’t intervene (coming from a kid) you shouldn’t do anything until this happens quite a few more times. let him find, or find him a new peer group closer to his age. you can talk to the parents of the bullies, but DONT talk to the bullies themselves.
I thought the biggest part of parenting was raising a kind, responsible child, who will one day be an adult in this world. Sitting back and letting your child be a bully is not fulfilling your role as a parent. Getting involved is important. Teaching kids to be nice, to not hit, that there is room for everyone are very important lessons if we want adults who act this way. Letting boys act this way, because they are boys, is even more detrimental. Boys are humans, not some sort of special species who can be cruel for the sake of it. When do we expect them to learn to be kind, tolerant and gentle if we do not teach them? It is not as if this magically happens with out our guidance. Something needs to be said to the mothers of bullies, and if they don’t care, then we have a serious problem with the values in our society. Being a good person is important; it’s all that there is really.
Totally agree with you, Stef, but riddle me this? What do you say when the parents aren’t there? Do you flag down the Nanny?
What happens when I’m not there to “intervene” and Archer is dependent on me to make the bullying go away? Bullies exist, and girls are just as much bullies as boys are. I don’t think this is a “boy” issue at all.
Unfortunatley it isn’t my place to lecture other mothers or nannies on how to parent their kids. I’m very realistic about the fact that there are a lot of look-the-other-way parents and I believe in showing my child what is right, not telling other parents what they are doing wrong.
hmmm tough one. I usually am the only mom on the playground who is actively involved and i always tell the other kids what to do!! I teach three year olds so i am extremely comfortable with OPK (other people’s kids!) If someone hits, or pushes my child out of the way, I do what I would do in my class. Talk to both of them. Tell my daughter to say “don’t push me! i don’t like that” and then tell the other child it’s not nice and they need to watch where the fuck they’re going!(or something like that) rarely has a mom questioned why i was talking to her child (imagine doing nothing while another adult reprimanded archer??) it works for me. i feel like i am showing my daughter that it is okay to speak up. since she is only 3 i have to do it for her now so that when i am not around she will know how to do it for herself. just a thought.
OK, so how awful of a Mom am I for NOT keeping a civil tongue in my mouth when a little shit of a kid hurts mine?? My daughter just turned 4 and wanted to sit on the floor at the library and play with two other little girls her age. The mom’s were both close by, but not within hearing range. My daughter sat down and immediately the two little girls grabbed up all of the puzzles and hissed at my child, “You can’t play, we don’t have to share until we’re done.” My daughter was so surprised and hurt, she came over to me and quietly asked if we could go home. I didn’t even think about it..I walked over to the little girls, bent down, took half of the puzzles from them and hissed right back at them, “These puzzles belong to the library, not you. She can play with whatever she wants.” and walked back over to our table and sat down. Niether kid said a word. It was wrong and immature and all I did was show my daughter that it’s OK to be selfish or use my size to get what I wanted. BUT IT FELT GREAT! God I hate other people’s kids.
This is a great discussion. I would say I’m middle of the road – I definitely encourage my children to share/be nice, and I am fortunate that they are actually very, very good in public settings. They have always had clear messages about being pleasant members of the community.
I have faltered, though, in advocating for them, which makes me feel bad. I have bitten my tongue silently praying that they will be more assertive when “bullies” or pushy children act mean. If anyone were to truly be dangerous, sure, I’d step in, but if the other children are just being rough and grabby, I usually wait for my kids to either stand their ground or opt for something else.
What I really would LOVE to see are comments from people who read this and fall in the camp of look-the-other-way parents – the people who know their kids tend to bully and just let it go. I want to hear their rationale because I have seen it happen hundreds of times and I do not understand it.
Sometimes I feel like I am living in an alternate universe when I see a parent who doesn’t discipline her/his kid for throwing sand, hauling a toddler off a swing or whatever… what gives? If you are out there – please state your case!
oh this is perfect timing.. i just wrote a post on this… http://themadmomma.blogspot.com/2007/04/if-you-give-birth-to-them-at-least-try.html#links
I just felt sick when I read your post. Our sons are the same age and I have been lurking on your blogs until today. This post made me feel like it happened to my own boy! I have seen my son smacked, pushed, and hit by a two-years-older cousin, who I do not hesitate to give a verbal swift kick in the ass to, but I have yet to have a “public place” experience like this with children that I don’t know. I’m not sure how I would react. To say something, would I be overstepping? To say nothing, would I be underreacting? I never have been really comfortable telling others what to do; hell, I don’t even say anything if someone cuts in front of me in line at the store! I only know that I don’t have the answer to this type of situation…yet.
Poor Archer- he finally got the guts up to step out of his comfort zone and that little bastard tells him he’s ruining it?
F that kid!
Okay, maybe I know how I might respond in that situation after all… maybe I’d yell out, “We don’t push people!” and look like the bossy playground mom. I don’t want to be her! But I have found that being a mom has changed me in ways I never thought it would, both good and possibly not-so-good. I don’t know if I would have your self-control (I hope I would) but
I really think you did the right thing.
Gotta teach your kids to stand up for themselves both mentally and physically. Especially boys. If you don’t do it when he’s younger it could take him a long time to figure it out.