Good Without Me
The nanny is here. Today is her first day and she’s right over there
on the other side of the room. She’s playing with my child. Puzzles,
actually. He’s laughing. I’m supposed to be working. And blogging about
something else. Something totally different. I guess I’ll just post
that one later.
I told myself that the minute the
sitter showed up I would leave. Work on the book. Maybe even get a
massage. I’ve had a 90-minute gift-certificate for weeks in the flap of
my wallet and I haven’t used it yet. It’s been almost three years
since my last real massage and forever since I was playing hooky on a
SAHM day. Which is why she’s here.
On the other
hand, maybe I should stay. Maybe I’ll just work from the desk in
my house because Archer seems occupied and he’s not distracting me
or anything.
No. I’m not distracted at all. Him, over there. Me, over here. Working. Yes, working.
I remind myself to focus. You’re paying for this. Use it wisely. It’s a different kind of pressure but still pressure. A new window of work time. Make it happen, Rebecca. Work well and make this worth the money and the time away. Get it done or at the least, have some good old-fashioned alone-time.
I want to leave but maybe I should wait a few days so that Archer gets used to the nanny and I can show her all of the things he likes to eat and how he’ll want to sit in her lap facing her with his legs around her waist when they swing together at the park and how when it’s cold he’ll wear a hat but not when it’s hot and that his favorite lunchtime meal is a quesadilla with avocado and when he’s grumpy, a rice cake helps. And in every pocket of every one of my purses there is a back-up binky.
I’m acting like a real puss-in-boots and I know that. And I wonder why it matters now? Is it because there is another woman in my home taking care of my child? Is it some kind of instinctual thing? Should I spray my scent on Archer’s crib? Would that make me feel better? Marc Jacobs all over Archer and his stuff so he smells like me? Will that make it easier to take off and be alone?
It’s not that I don’t trust her. On the contrary. I think she’s delightful and I’m a very trusting person. I like people right away or I don’t like them. I’m very perceptive, especially when it comes to my child. I think most mothers are.
“I think I’m going to go in a minute,” I finally say.
“Okay. Whenever. We’re good without you…”
“Cool,” I say. But maybe that’s part of the problem. It’s a little bit scary when the people you love the most are good without you.
***
I know it is different for mothers (or at least that is what my wife tells me) but every morning my 1year old says good bye to me… when I go to work. Part of me likes the monday/tuesdays when it bothers her I’m leaving because she gets used to me on the weekends. It is really hard to walk out of the house and go to work every morning especially on days when she barley notices.
It took me a long time to realize this, but you gotta go. You gotta leave. Archer will be fine, and besides the sitter has your # if she needs to call. Or you can call her to check in. It is more confusing for the kid to have you *both* there. Really, if you’re anything like me it’s harder for YOU to leave, yeah? But it’s ok. Go work. Get the massage. Or just sit outside somewhere with a book. Go now! Do it!
yap. that pretty much sums it up for me, too.
argh.
This is a really good start!!! It might be a good idea to start now because think about what it’s going to be like when he starts school in a few years…
If he hasn’t had any opportunities to be alone with other people, it’s might be a little harder for him!
It’ll all work itself out!
I’m happy for Archer that he finally gets some interaction with someone other than you…I know you say that he’s not very social and would rather play by himself or with you at the playground, but kids really do need to know that other people are good and valuable in their lives. He cannot be a succesful person if he doesn’t learn how to interact with/enjoy the company of other kids and other adults. He needs to know that he doesn’t have to rely on ONLY you for the things he needs and you need to know that other people have a lot to offer him and that you can’t meet ALL his needs. It is your responsibility to expose him to different situations…it’s good that you are finally taking that step.
Also, at almost two years old, don’t you think he’s getting a little old for the binky? Surely you know that the longer he has it, the harder it will be to get rid of….and maybe that has something to do with the fact that he doesn’t know how to talk. Something to think about.
I was actually thinking he’d rock the binky until he was ten or so.
errr…I feel all defensive for you after reading Carol’s comment. hmm. better check that.
As if she knows what Archer needs…as if any of us who read your daily droplets of wisdom have any idea what is best for Archer. I am all for advice giving and taking, but nothing gets my feathers ruffled more than strangers supposing why some kid doesn’t talk that much, or how much socialization is required to be successful in life- whatever that means anyway.
I admire your SUCCESSFUL parenting style Rebecca, and the way you recognize the complex interplay between a child’s needs and your own. It is never so simple as some people like to make it seem.
(Now watch, carol is probably your best friend or something and this is some deep heart to heart conversation you have had over beers late into the night and I sound like an idiot, lol.)
Thank you, Shannon- Not at all, in fact I was tempted to send Carol a link to my last post, but she probably read it and didn’t see her self anywhere near the kind of women I was frustrated with. So goes the story.
Actually, and maybe this didn’t come across because I am not a writer, I was trying to congratulate you on your decision to get someone.
You know, like when I said ‘it’s good that you are finally taking that step’. It’s good…as in, good job!
I was just raising some points as to why I think it’s a good choice…points which I assumed you’d agree with.
Silly me.
I think Rebecca does a fantastic job parenting. She shows us all the funny and amazing sides of parenting. I don’t have any kids yet but there are many different styles of parenting and what works for one kid, doesn’t work for another.
Rebecca, I love reading your humor and wisdom on parenting. Your son is so cute!!
I am sorry Carol, I just thought you were commenting on Rebecca finally making the *right* decision.
It’s really hard to make your voice heard in the tone it was spoken when all you have are letters on the screen. Looking back, I can see why you might have thought I was being rude. For the record, my daughter had a binki until she was EIGHT YEARS OLD! I still consider myself a good parent and no, Rebecca,you’re absolutley right. I wouldn’t put myself in the class of those women you described in that previous post. I was surprised to see you become so defensive/judgemental so quickly.
(In response to Sam) Here’s the thing though…none of us really know what kind of parent any blogger ACTUALLY is. Let me clarify that I suspect Rebecca is a good mom. I read her other blog and see that she always speaks about her son with love–but all we know (about any blogger) is what they tell us. I certainly wouldn’t feel justified in saying someone does a fantastic OR a horrendous job parenting, when I haven’t seen it myself. Further more, even if I have seen it myself who am I to judge? I try to believe that most of us are doing the best they can for their families. We can all learn from each others failures…more than that, we can all learn from each others success.
I thought that was what blogging was about.
I work fulltime and DS is in daycare – and I didn’t have a problem with leaving him there when I came back to work (daycare is my SIL) – but on the day when I went into work late, and DH and DS left in the car, leaving me in the house alone for the first time in MONTHS – that was the day I crumbled.
We are better now – on to an independent and stubborn 2 year old and a Mommy who sometimes looks forward to those alone moments, which are few and far between.
been busy so i am commenting late- i see two sides to this: the only reason i would stay is to see if i do in fact trust this person. get to know her a little more, see how she handles things and if i agree.
since you already trust her… get the eff outta there!! i am a pre-school teacher and this is what will happen if you stay (i am also a psychic- LOL!) archer will get used to you NOT leaving when nanny comes. when you try to leave two weeks from now, he will flip out!! better to let him associate her coming with your going right away. does that make sense?
as for him talking or not talking- first of all, good for you to even notice. i’ve had parents with obviously autistic 3 year olds and they had no idea (or didn’t want to have an idea- that is so hard.) second, he is only 2. binky or no, he will talk when he’s ready. but if you are concerned, this next year is the one to watch out for. if he’s not pretty fluent by 3 (and they do go from 0-100 words a minute in a matter of months!) then perhaps some sort of evaluation may be necessary. but my guess is that he will be saying “hey mom, remember that day that you wouldn’t leave when the sitter came? yeah that was funny” in no time!! ~jjlibra
*sorry so long!!!
as a nanny, i’ve dealt with this ‘first day’ many times.
it’s fully a natural instinct in parents.
but try not to worry. this will be good for you as it allows you some time to just be rebecca and have some solid time to yourself.
this will give archer a chance to see how interaction with others works and will give him a new sense of security.
and just think how sweet the moment will be when you come home and he’s so excited to see you!
….and if your nanny has any prior experience, then she knows how these first days and first weeks tend to go. it will all be ok!