Torn
Archer won’t go down for a nap. The monitor is flickering but I don’t want to turn up the volume because I’m afraid, then, that I’ll hear him cry. I can’t listen to him cry without wanting to make it stop. I can’t make it stop unless I go to him. If I go to him then he’ll never go back down which means I’ll have to finish my work after my night shift is over at 1am. When the house is quiet and I have five hours before Archer wakes up in the morning.
Some nights I spend at the coffee shop when my husband gets home from work. Two nights a week, maybe a Saturday thrown in. This is supposed to be
the time in my life when I focus on my career. This is supposed
to be the time in my child’s life when I stay home with him. Take care of him. Be his world.
“I’ll just do both,” I said to myself. I say to myself still. But I can’t be good at both. Can I? Not when all I can think about when I’m working is my child, and when I’m with Archer, all I can think about is how much work I have to do.
I need him to nap. For my sanity and so I have time to work. So I don’t fall behind. So people keep reading. And paychecks keep coming. So I can finish what I started. Keep them coming back. Do it all…
Hold
the phone, someone is on the other line. She says its important. People
are dying. Children. Friends. Press mute because there is nothing you
can say. Press off because you’re running out of minutes. Running out
of time. Soon he’ll be grown up and you’ll regret the time you spent
pushing him away for one more paragraph in the manuscript no one will
ever read. Put down the book, the computer, the ideas. Remember who you
are now. Wait. Remember who you were. Wait. Remember what’s important.
Make a list. Ten things, no twenty. Twenty thousand things you want to
do before you die but what if tomorrow never comes? No one will
remember. No one will know. No one will laugh or cry or make the bed.
No one will have a clue which songs to sing to the baby. No one will be
there for the children. No one will finish the first draft of the
novel. No one will publish the one that’s been finished for months. No
one will remember the thought you had last night, that great idea you
forgot to write down...
I don’t know if that feeling will ever go away. It certainly hasn’t, almost a year later.
So on days like today, when napping is out of the question and my blogging duties fall by the wayside. And my freelance assignments are late and my book deadlines seem impossible, I don’t know what to do. All alone at my desk with my hands over my ears.
Quick! Write as fast as you can so you can be done for the day and go back to being a mother!
Sometimes I wish I could have chosen to either stay at home or go to work, instead of trying to do both. By myself. Because, no matter what I say or think I can handle, sometimes it’s just too much.
***
get a nanny! have someone come by an few hours a week for you to go to a coffee shop and work. or relax. or breathe.
staying at home doesnt have to mean house arrest. a little help makes life for everyone easier.
It took me until Mamie was 18 months to hire someone for two full days a week. One of those days I spend cleaning or laying around or just unwinding. The other day I attempt to write but these days I just use it to go to doctor appts. or food shopping or cooking. It helps though. It gives me head space. But I think you gotta realize that you can’t do it all — not right now. And that’s ok. Also, the naps come and go. Look at me, quitting this gig here bec. Mamie isn’t napping — she is now climbing out of her crib now. But she just went down for the night at 7:30 and behold, I have time. And you will too. Things change and then change again. Does this sound like a pep talk? it is. Just keep on keepin’ on mama. We need you.
I remember that post from last summer like it was yesterday. I love that post.
I hear you, sister. I’m trying to do the wahm (writer and editing, too) thing with my 6 mo old, and it’s so much harder than I thought. I’ve only committed myself to 10-12 hours per week, but even that is rough, esp. when I find myself angry at babe for not going down to sleep and then rushing through work. I guess it only gets garder in the toddler stage. Best wishes!
Wow! I hadn’t realized how much we had the same way of life: Urban (altough there’s a snowstorm here, so I’m definitely not in L.A.!), staying at home with my 20 month old, freelancing, and writing a novel. So I know how it feels to give the brush off to someone you love because they’re eating away at your precious “work-time”.
From my experience, you CAN be good at both, but not every day, and not without help!
How I do it personally? With two half-days a week at a day care center, strict sleeping-time rules, and an occasional hour of teletubbies when desperate!
So hang on, and fix those sleeping habits!
Try here: http://www.babycenter.com/baby/babysleep/index
Or in Amazon, under “Toddler sleep”.
Good luck, and tell us if the novel gets published!
Bianca
Ah yes.. the solemn song of the big-hearted working mama. I feel your pain, sis. But it is important to remember to find a sweet medium. If you did either one OR the other, you really wouldn’t have it easier.. it would just be different. And THAT’s an annoying thing to say, I realize. If you have time for yourself, for work, Archer will benefit. Promise.
you are an amazing mom and writer….i can imagine how hard it is to balance work and being home with archer. i find it daunting being home and just getting the mundane things done.
i am not really down with the nanny thing at all but i wish i could offer you better adivce.
i thrive on gus naps…to get things done, have some peace..he went thru a phase too when napping was not going to happen..i rode out the storm and he found his way to the comfy bed soon enough.
hang in there….if you ever need help we’re always here!
Thanks to all! Your words mean a lot.
Bianca-Will do. Have book based on GGC blog coming out early ’08… So all concentration is on that at the moment… well “all” concentration not so much, but, you know what I mean.
Thanks again and love to all.
Look at it this way: at least both of the things you’re trying to do are worthwhile things that are meaningful to you. Some of us are toiling under fluorescent lights in grey office cubicles at soul-deadening jobs and missing someone’s precious childhood moments in exchange for mortgage money and health insurance.
I’ve been WAH since my twins were born and they are almost 4 now. It *is* hard to juggle work and play and after 4 years it’s not any easier. The situations just change. While something gets harder/more frustrating, something else gets easier and happier. Last year my friend started taking them out 3 days a week for a few hours and it’s been wonderful, both for my boys and for ME!
you have the best bangs on this planet. ok did that help change the subject?
you’re the best mom out there dontchaworry, archer loves his momma blown off head and all
My mother is a novelist- she’s written over thirty or something like that. I know I should keep track.
The truth is- though I clearly remember and repeat the phrase she used, “Shhh, I’m writing,” the child does not suffer in the end, though we suffer the guilt. What the mother says is hers and hoardes, fascintes the child from the food he eats off her plate (it tastes better! He knows it does!) to wanting to wear her shoes, try on her make up and on and on…and ultimately to the stories she writes.
I know the torn and the tear and yet I think of myself and what I do. What I have of my mother and what I’ll always have when she is no longer here. Not just her eyes, or her broad cheekbones but her words, her stories, her novels. Not just her stories of “I did this once,” but the deep and true, “Once upon a time..” that I fall into and love.
“Sometimes I wish I could have chosen to either stay at home or go to work, instead of trying to do both”
I’ve been reading you here since babble started, and almost every time you echo my feelings so precisely, it’s like you’re living my life. Or maybe it’s just you’re a brilliant writer.
There just aren’t enough hours in the day, are there. I feel for you Rebecca.
As I reflect on my decision to get a nanny and work four years ago (they’re now 5 and 8) I feel guilty, as we all do. But when I read this, and so many of my own similar journal entries, I realise you won’t/can’t escape the guilt– it’s our lot.
All you can do is try to make it bearable, and what you’re doing now isn’t that. Get some help, separate your life and know that, for better and for worse, this won’t last forever. And, for better or for worse, you won’t ever remember enough of it. It breaks my heart that my oldest is almost 8– what happened to the time?? I was there, but it doesn’t make it any easier.
I look back on the great times we had with immense pleasure. I look back on the days I had like you’re describing now with intense guilt– I was making everyone miserable! It doesn’t need to be that way.
Make your highlights good and give yourself a break. If you’re constantly battling to do it all you won’t be able to do anything. And remember– if mama’s not happy, ain’t no one happy.
Everyone deserves you being happy!
i just wanted to thank everyone for sharing their stories and support. Your insight is so appreciated. Love.
GGC, I wish it got easier. Even with PunditGirl in school, it still seems like there is little time for everything — and I’ve decided, at least for the moment, some of the work has to go by the wayside so I can have a little more time to make our world a comfy place to be.
Maybe you can hire a 13 year old to come over after she gets out of school for a few hours a week to entertain Archer. I think they are called Mother’s Helpers. I hired the girls across the street so i could get some studying done. It was cheap, and I was right there to be sure everything was fine. They kept peanut out of my hair much better then the old man does.
Wow. You said it.
I echo earlier advice to get a nanny a couple of days a week. You may think you can’t afford it, but maybe you can and at least check into it. Two days a week can make all the difference in the world.
David