When Archer was old enough to sit-up, the very first thing every family, friend, and pediatric specialist said was “OOOOOOOH. You know what you have to do, NOW, don’t you?”
“What. Tell me. What do I have to do?”
“Childproof the house!”
Obviously I rolled my eyes. The kid was barely able to sit up on the bed without toppling face first into the comforter, but I was polite and nodded and waved and thanked the peanut gallery for their advice.
“Totally,” I said. “I’m on it.”
And so I did what any respectable DIY mother would do. I created a childproofed home based on materials I no longer needed or used… items I should have thrown out but for whatever reason did not.
1.
Scrunchies/ Hair-ties With an Embarrassing Amount of Hair Knotted in Them: One day, while ordering a Soy Latte from Starbucks, I noticed that the hair tie around my wrist was knotted with hair. And not a few little hairs but one giant clump of hair. The barista eyed my wrist as I removed the money from my wallet and I shyly rotated the hair-tie disaster away from her judgmental eyes. I knew what she was thinking. I was a cheap-ass who couldn’t afford to buy myself some new non-hairy hair-thingies. So I promptly bought some new ones next door and for whatever reason never tossed the old, which ended up working out because the hairy-hair-ties make great locks for the kitchen sink cabinets.
2.
Maxi Pads: Some genius thought to include free maxi pads with Tampax (What kind of tampon user switch-hits with pads? Isn’t sending a free maxi pad with a box of tampons like giving out a free O’Doul’s with every six-pack of Heineken?) Regardless, our bathroom drawers were overflowing with “sample” packs of “sanitary napkins".
First off “sanitary napkin” is my least favorite thing to say. It makes me think of old women teaching sex-education. Second of all, I hate to waste anything I have been given for free hence the Always (with wings!) instant corner protection. Just cut, peel and stick! Works great on coffee table corners and dangerous dresser-edges.
3.
Sexy Underwear That You Haven’t Worn Since Your Honeymoon/Single days/Ever: For all the places hairy-hair-ties can’t reach, sexy underwear will do the trick. Not only do g-strings have great elasticity but they can stretch to childproof several cabinets at a time!
I have also found that less coverage = more elasticity, thus the matching panty sets from
Trashy Lingerie that look so pretty stretched across the cereal cupboard
Because let’s face it, the cotton thongs are way more comfortable than the satin and lace g-strings with ruffles and bows and braided lace made to snugly fit between your ass cheeks. Not to mention the fact that bows and lace should not be tucked away in dresser drawers when they could be put to good use. Don’t be afraid to rig your kitchen drawers and cabinets with the aforementioned unmentionables.
For a while friends who came over for dinner parties were a bit caught off guard.
“Wow. You and Hal have a kinky sex life.”
“Is this an art installation?”
“Please tell me these aren’t used.”
After explaining my approach to childproofing to our childless friends, they simply nodded, shrugged and thought I was a complete nutcase. But fuck it, man. It works. Archer, who is now eighteen months old, has yet to break through the “pretty little things” rigged acroess the kitchen cabinets. He can’t for the life of him undo the figure-eight hairy-hair-ties in the bathroom and as far as the maxi-pad corner-safety? Archer can bang his head against the corners of my desk all day long and not feel a thing.
And so what if my house resembles a college dorm/insane asylum, my little man is safe and snug and I saved approximately fourteen dollars and eighty-three cents.
WoooHoo! Everyone wins.
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