Political Nanny : political humor

The Story of a Little Dick

Madeline Holler — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 10:44:00 GMT

We're going to step outside the scope of presidential candidate care today and talk about a little Dick named Cheney.

A pair of satirists, political mannies if you will, have published Young Dick Cheney: A Great American, a book about the adventures of their rascally charge, vice president Dick Cheney. The authors, frequently heard on NPR, recount in meticulous detail (plus footnotes!) the story of a secretive yet sensitive boy from Wyoming with a shoot-from-the-hip, shoot-in-the-face style all his own.

From the promo:

A wickedly funny faux-children's biography recounts Young Dick Cheney’s youthful lust for guns, oil, and the girl of his dreams.

He was born among the big skies and cow pies of the Great American West. And yet from these humble beginnings, he would grow to become the most famous, most powerful Dick ever to inhabit the Vice Presidency. In this often shocking, frequently touching, clearly unauthorized biography, faux journalists Bruce Kluger and David Slavin (National Public Radio) reveal the inspiring and sometimes even true story of Richard B. Cheney—frontiersman, freedom fighter, fatty.

The book is not quite ready for circletime reading (publication date April 1, 2008, of course!). But you can pre-order a copy today.

Photo: Alternet.org

Bipartisan Dog House: Treats for Conservative, Liberal Pets

Madeline Holler — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 10:17:00 GMT

There you are, pumping your fists at footage from an Obama rally on YouTube, tears gathering in your eyes as you mouth "yes, we can!" Your dog, though -- your best damn friend! -- won't stop slobbering all over himself as he barks "the surge is working, the surge is working!"

You sleep in the same bed, you and your conservative pooch. Yet yours is a house divided.

Reach across the aisle and give your four-legged, small government, flat-tax, butt-sniffing Karl Rover a hand-out. Petlane makes tasty peanut butter-flavored biscuits that come in the shape of any conservative canine's favorite political beast -- an Elephant.

Wait, what did you just say? You're giving comfort to some Bobo, tax-and-spend, weak on defense, baby killing mutt? Well, she's sitting there with her paw out (as usual!). Better give her Petlane's donkey treats, which she'll love just as much as she loves taking away your right to keep and bear arms.

Not sure of your pet's political leanings? The maker of these bipartisan dog biscuits has a list of the signs.

Republican Pets

• They bark at passing neighbors and traffic; home security is very important to them.

• Their ears perk up when Fox News comes on.

• They are a big spender at the local pet store.

• Strongly believe pet matrimony should occur only between two cats or two dogs.

• Believe in the second-amendment right to bare teeth and claws.

• Are for electric border fences around the yard.

• Want national ID tags for all pets.

• They advocate for the pet-tracking chip -- you can never have too much surveillance.

Democratic pets

• They want universal veterinary care for all.

• They want their treats for free.

• They socialize with all breeds at the dog park.

• They prefer their owner uses biodegradable poop bags.

• Are very concerned with the rising cost of pet food.

• Have the young puppy and kitten vote locked.

• Want to end the war of dogs vs. cats once and for all.

• Think of Ralph Nader as the dog catcher.

Photo: Petlane.com

Nanny Cam: Hillary's Playdate With Jack Nicholson

Madeline Holler — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 04:45:00 GMT

All right, all right, all right. Hillary and Political Nanny have just returned from a very fun playdate with a very special friend of Hillary's. Yes, yes, yes, Political Nanny was just saying Barack has the coolest friends, and it's true: he does. But Hillary has the weirdest ... and we like weird. Weird is good.

Her buddy Jack Nicholson put together a little video montage featuring himself, which supposedly presents arguments for why she should be in the White House. The nice thing is, Hillary's campaign is trying to leverage some of its support from professional entertainers. Not amature ones whose homages to the New York Senator kind of added to her dork factor.

No, you won't get goosebumps like you do watching videos starring Obama. But you get some laughs, and not the kind of laughs that might wind up looping on a ballpoint pen.

Political Toys: The Laughing Pen

Madeline Holler — Mon, 03 Mar 2008 22:42:00 GMT

Political Nanny knows it's wrong to giggle at this laughing pen, but it cracks her up. And mind you, she loves Hillary Clinton as much as the other candidates and thinks ridiculing Hillary based on her laugh -- which is infectious, well-timed and rarely inappropriate -- is, well, laughably ridiculous.

There's something so compelling and fun about all the opportunistic junk that's out there and related to this campaign -- Political Nanny wants one of everything. Is it advances in technology that make it all so possible? Our open-trade borders that allow for cheap production and quick turnaround? If John Kerry were running this year, would we be able to buy a Swift Boat Lego set (with bonus wind-surfing figurine)?

Who knows. But between onsies for Obama (whether appropriate or not), Pat the Politician, wearable campaign art, pin-up girl calendars and now this Hillary Pen (with a jaw that moves up and down ... the whole thing comes with replacement batteries), this has to be the election year with the best collectibles ever. Go here to listen to pen.

"I Like Ike" buttons seem quaint/tacky in comparison.

NB: Political Nanny only plays with campaign toys when the candidates aren't around, delicate self-esteems of her dwindling group to consider and all.

via LA Times Top of the Ticket

Photo: Etsy.com (Obama fingerpuppets also available)

The Coveted Wax Museum Endorsement

Madeline Holler — Wed, 13 Feb 2008 16:34:00 GMT

Curators of the D.C. branch of Madame Tussauds don't mean a thing ... a thing! ... with how they arranged wax figures of the two Democratic frontrunners.

They have placed confident Barack Obama behind a desk in the fake oval office. Where's Hillary Clinton? She's standing next to the desk in a baby blue silk shantung pantsuit. It appears as if Bill, who is also there in his wax-tastic glory, is escorting his wife out the door. Wax-Hillary is even waving good-bye.

The subtle expression of political favorites finally got to those in charge of the display.

From the NY Times:

Later, in fact, the Hillary Rodham Clinton figure was moved to join Mr. Obama behind the fabled Resolute desk.

That kind of love feels so forced.

Photo: New York Times

Be Mine: Partisan Valentines

Madeline Holler — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 22:37:00 GMT

Only one day left to show that you love your dearest Democrat or Republican as much as politics. Will roses do the trick? Of course they won't. But one of these partisan Valentines just might.

You love healthcare. You hate war. You want change. You need something besides politics and passion as usual. What you want is to Barack that certain someone's world.

Your support for Hillary doesn't waver with the lastest exit polls. Your love for her -- and for your own first lady -- is heartfelt. Tell her in heart and felt. (If you're hearting Huckabee, or behaving like a lovesick fool around John McCain, don't worry. These hearts are fickle. You can get them in Republicans' names too.)

God damned liberals, you say! No don't say that, say this:

Or for all the knee-jerk conservatives/romantics there's this:

Or perhaps you're ready to reach across the aisle, in which case you'll want to join in with Hillary Clinton and send your registered sweetheart this:

Check out the rest at GOP.com. [Thanks, Brian, over at DailyScanner for the tip!]

Too late to send anything? Dim the lights, fire up the laptop and watch this political valentine montage from Politichill.

The Sound of Hillary's Two Hands Clapping

Madeline Holler — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 22:20:00 GMT

Philosophical Discussion Topic Card #37: What is the sound of Hillary's two hands clapping?

Answer: What you hear is the desperate chortling of Chris Matthews and his sycophants trying too hard to be funny. And saying questionable things like, "is this a Chinese thing?"

First, the video:

It's a montage of Hillary Clinton clapping at different speeches and rallies. In some, she's obviously clapping to a chant. Other times she's clapping at her audience and as a way of acknowledging the supporters standing behind her. Eventually, the montage cuts in Stephen Colbert, who mocks her: "Clap, clap, point, point ..." (Not his best work, but a it's alright.)

Funny (peculiar), the Hardball pundits don't show clips of her clapping, say, at an interview, or a small group discussion, which would indeed be weird. But she's always clapping around crowds of people who are also clapping and/or chanting. Was it a slow news day, Chris?

In fairness to the Hardball intern who put together the clip, the way candidates look into the crowd and then suddenly point and raise their eyebrows -- maybe signal with a thumb's-up -- is jarring. Kind of cheesy. It's all so Tom Jones "What's Up, Pussycat" and cringe-inducing when coming from potential leaders of the free world. But ALL the candidates perform this pointing exercise (except, maybe, Ron Paul.) All the candidates clap, too (again: jury's out on Ron Paul). What are we missing? Is it only worthy of ridicule coming from Hillary Clinton? Oh, and the Chinese (WTF?)?

This focus on Hillary for all the 2008 campaign hilarity leads Political Nanny to another discussion that started shortly before the Super Tuesday primaries and caucuses, and that is whether there is a double-standard going on with respect to negative attitudes toward the final two Democratic candidates. Women's rights advocate Robin Morgan believes it is. The author of the 70s essay "Good-bye to All That," Morgan updated her sentiments in a "Good-bye to All That 2," which became news because Part 2 was supposedly fowarded by Chelsea Clinton to a few friends. Before long, the email got all viral.

Slate's XXFactor breaks it down arguing Morgan's essay gets a bit ranty. Agreed. But the essay also points out the following:

When a sexist idiot screamed “Iron my shirt!” at HRC, it was considered amusing; if a racist idiot shouted “Shine my shoes!” at BO [Barack Obama], it would’ve inspired hours of airtime and pages of newsprint analyzing our national dishonor.

And that's true. If the complement to those "I Wish Hillary Had Married OJ" T-shirts were, instead, XL Beefy Ts bearing a silk-screened noose? There would have been no end to the outrage (and understandably so). It's as if anything about Hillary is fair game including -- no, especially -- whatever reminds us that she's a female.

It's interesting, too, that making fun of Mitt Romney's Mormon underwear never really caught on. Because religion is sacred, perhaps? Nobody mentions John McCain's floppy right arm. Why? Because that's just mean! Not to mention irrelevant. Like the central figure of a rally clapping along with the audience.

But yuck! Political Nanny hates the discussion that begs to know which trumps the other race or gender! Why? Because it pits one group of the historically disenfranchised against another. And it pushes us in that direction of having to choose between race or gender rather than being seen as a statement of the obvious: both black guys and white ladies are capable of leading the country! Instead, it's all: Voted for Hillary? We always knew you didn't fully comprehend racial struggles in America. Voted for Obama? Misogynist pig!

Even worse! The race vs. gender fight isn't fun or engaging or hopeful or forward-thinking. It's narrow and stuck and divisive. Sort of like Congress under mega-partisan Bush.

Which brings us back to Hardball and to Philosophical Discussion Topic Card #38: If Chris Matthews falls in a forest and nobody hears him, does he make a sound?

Answer: Let's give it a try.

(Hat tip to Jezebel for bringing the Hardball segment to our attention.)

Debate Zingers, Right and Left

Madeline Holler — Fri, 01 Feb 2008 04:54:00 GMT

The CNN/Politico/LA Times Republican debate Wednesday night and the Democratic debate Thursday night didn't break any new ground. Except for one. There were some pretty funny zingers in both.

McCain tried his best to clobber a surprised Mitt Romney all night. Huckabee went after the moderators, who were ignoring him on the outerreaches of the seating arrangement. Ron Paul called the nitpicky Iraq discussion "silly," since he thinks the U.S. should even be there.

The Democrats aimed their mirth not at each other or the moderators. They aimed it at Republicans. Liberals (or whatever they want to be called, "progressives") haven't been this happy in a long time.

Here are two of the best from Thursday night (you can watch video here):

Barack Obama on whether Mitt Romney, a former CEO, might be more qualified to run the business of a country:

Let me just also point out that Mitt Romney hasn't gotten a very good return on his investment during this presidential campaign. (Laughter, applause.) So I'm happy to take a look at my management style during the course of this last year and his.

Hillary Clinton on umpteen years of Clintons and Bushes in the White House:

"It did take a Clinton to clean up after the first Bush and I think it might take another one to clean up after the second Bush," she said.

Keep'em coming, candidates. These debates are wearing thin.