We were doing a pretty good job handling two under two. That's the problem: we were doing a good job. Then Sean went back to work for 26 hours. The job I did with two under two involved a lot more tears, chaos, and relaxation of rules.
Two parents with two kids works much more smoothly than one. I'll spare you the over-used sports metaphors about man to man vs. zone defense, which I don't understand anyway because my team sports participation basically consists of doing cartwheels on the soccer field at age 10.
Here is what I've learned in one short, yet so very long, day:
1. Showers are impossible with a newborn and a toddler, unless they take place at 3 am. Baby wipes and deoderant are an acceptable substitute. Try to remember to brush your teeth, or your toddler's teeth. Just getting one person's teeth brushed is probably a reasonable goal.
2. Tricks and treats should be used judiciously, spread out over the course of the day. During my first 26 hours alone with Axel and Jonas, I used up my positive, creative ideas for toddler wrangling in the first 45 minutes. I generously distributed snacks to Axel while nursing Jonas, created an attractive toy and book box next to the rocking chair, ate 20 course meals of imaginary food made by Chef Axel, danced to an old school version of the Hokey Pokey, chased Axel back and forth across the living room, and watched as he piled all of his musical toys in the bathroom (where the acoustics are better for wooden xylophones) . By 5 pm, Axel had exceeded his RDA of Cheerios, and was eating PlayDough, defiantly standing on the coffee table, on his second round of Momo (Axelese for Elmo/Sesame Street), and throwing bowls down the stairs to the basement. I had low blood sugar (see number four below) and a headache, and I could not muster the enthusiasm or creativity required to suggest a new fun activity, and Axel ignored all of my suggestions that he play with regular old puzzles and trucks. Multiple time outs, tears, and don't no no nos for the tenth time get away from that electrical cord! ensued.
3. Some rules are unnecessary, like the don't sit on the coffee table rule or the only eat at the kitchen table rule or the no TV rule. The no TV rule has now gone from no TV before you reach 18 months old, to no more than 15 minutes every other day, to please, please, please sit and watch Elmo for 20 minutes, won't you?
4. Call in reinforcements. My parents came over for an hour and a half in the morning, so I got to eat breakfast and pack the car for our outing to a farm with friends, friends who generously helped chase Axel and keep him from throwing himself out of a treehouse or having his fingers snapped off by hungry pigs or getting cut by a rusty tractor. And speaking of breakfast...
5. Give up the idea of eating meals. A slice of cheese, a few blueberries, and a couple cookies after the baby goes to bed can be considered dinner. It's my new baby weight loss plan: the I'm too busy keeping my toddler from killing himself and bouncing on the exercise ball to keep the baby calm and doing yet another load of laundry to eat a meal plan. Fluids, too, should be drunk before 6 am, after 8 pm, or during naptime (assuming that there is a naptime, which was not a safe assumption for Axel yesterday). Cooking? Ha. Everyone will survive on food that requires minimal preparation, like tearing open a box or rinsing off a blueberry.
6. It is possible to carry a baby in a sling or Ergo, hoist a toddler on your hip, hold an overstuffed diaper bag, and open up a bag of Cheddar Bunnies with your teeth. The sling, Ergo, and pacifier are my new best friends.
7. Half of the time one of the three people will be crying. When I went into Axel's room to read him bedtime stories, Jonas napped in the bouncy seat. When I came out, he was redfaced and hollering. While I nursed Jonas, Axel managed to climb through the skylight in his cardboard box house and fall on his head, resulting in wails. Later, just after I'd gotten Jonas swaddled, drunk on milk, and peaceful snoozing, Axel woke up from a nightmare and sobbed. Jonas had to poop and he cried; Axel didn't want me to stop stacking blocks with him to make him dinner and had a tantrum; I wanted to sit down already and have an end to all of the crying and so I cried.
8. Just when you think things are over - at, say, 8:30 pm, when both children appear to be asleep - a new round, one that I like to call the Sleepwalk and Sob phase, will begin. Axel lost it and needed a hug, water, and to have extra kisses on his sweaty forehead. Jonas wanted to eat, but not really eat, except that he did want to eat and he was starved but the milk was coming too fast or too slow or spraying up his nose and he'd just realized that he hated, no loved, no hated with every ounce of his tiny body, to be swaddled. Then we all fell asleep, until Axel awoke again, followed by Jonas, then by the dog whose bladder seems to be shrinking, then by the damn cat who wanted to eat at 4 am, then again by Jonas, and then it was light out and, really, who needs sleep?
Apparently, I was no match for a 2 and a half week old baby, a toddler deep in the, "I wonder what happens when I...." period, an aging mutt, and a glutton of a cat.
And I've got to do it all over again tomorrow. So, I'm resting up, I'm eating full meals, and I'm locking the cat outside. Tomorrow, I'll be ready for them.
