Knocked Up

Kudos to you.  My goal was 3 months, and I just barely made it.  My office is very modern and open and had literally no office without windows or with actual blinds, so they had to paper over the huge sliding glass doors on one office so that I could go in and pump.  I was embarrassed.  I felt embarrassed that I was embarrassed, which made it even worse.  And it wasn't just my office, it was an office/conference room, so I'd get emails all day asking the discreet question, "When are you going to take your lunch?"  Which meant I was locked into only using the room for the one half-hour that I specified.  So many days I sat in there, near tears, with that pump.  Just trying to relax myself to get a whole ounce.

um, yeah, so your story obviously hit a chord here.  Hooray for you!  You totally deserve it.

i feel ya!

although i'm home 3 days a week, feeding the baby AND pumping enough to send along to daycare is challenging.  i worry that she won't have enough, but so far she's been ok.

probably will start including some formula as a "backup" soon, just in case she has a day where she is ravenous.

I have been there!  I felt exactly the same way.  Guilty for not pumping enough, guilty for not working enough.  Loving the connection with Michael, feeling trapped by the connection.  I was never really comfortable nursing in public (even around friends and family) as much for other people's comfort as for my own.  It's such a head trip!  It also made me understand why for so long women stayed home and tended to the house.  It's really hard to go anywhere or do anything when you're nursing.  I stopped at 9 months.  It was very freeing, the head trips went away and yet, sometimes I miss it.

I agree - breastfeeding is hard.  Not as hard as parenting in general but definitely quite a time commitment.

This might help relieve some of your stress - Axel's intake during the day is actually on the higher end.  My son took only ~9 ounces each day at daycare because he got his other 16-21 ounces while with me (nursing 4-6 times in the evenings, at night, and in the morning).  If you are going to start solids soon, you can choose a high-calorie, nutrient dense food like avocado to help him get the calories he needs during the day if you fall short an ounce.

Also, if you haven't already, be sure to change the valves on your pump.  They get worn out after 3 months or so of continued pumping.

Have you read the info on http://www.workandpump.com/ ?  I particularly like their info on the "6 month slump":

http://www.workandpump.com/6month.htm

Just know that it does not have to be all or nothing.  You can give up pumping and still nurse Axel in the evenings and mornings and on weekends.  Since that's the best part of nursing -- that reconnection after being apart -- don't feel like you have to throw the breastfeeding out with the pump!  

You're to be congratulated!  You've done an amazing job.  So funny - I felt like I could have written this post!  I found myself getting more and more bitter that any/all "me time" I had (and it was rare) was constantly framed up in the context of having to pump.  Unlike you, however, I stuck to the 6 month timeframe - that was it for me.  I will admit that the nursing/pumping was much easier with baby #2 (public nursing - which I never did with #1 - became really not a big deal with #2), and I could have seen continuing.  But I also felt it was just time to reclaim my body again.

Good work, Oz.  Breastfeeding via pump is annoying for sure - we're doing the same routine as you and Axel as we approach the 8 month mark.  I'm still amazed that I've made it this long.  Of course, I have to admit it is partly selfishness on my part - I'm enjoying being able to eat those extra calories too.

We have that same Exersaucer.  I'm dreaming of the day I get to it on craigslist.

Good job!  You were able to go longer than I with exclusively breast feeding.  I had a malfunctioning pump, which depleted my supply and stressed me out to the extreme.  By the time I got a new pump I was in the vicisious stress = low supply cycle too.  Like you, I was pumping three times a day for 30 minutes each time.  It eats up a lot of the work day!  We ended up supplementing with 1 bottle a day of formula from 4 to 7 months.  

Thanks to better sleep (for both of us), less stress (for me), and starting solid food (for my son) I'm happy to report that I am again able to provide all the "milk" needed and we dropped the formula.  AND I am only pumping twice a day now.  I am cheap too and wanted to give you hope that you might just need a can or two of formula.

Oz, you are so honest; women are lucky to read you.  I, too, eventually supplemented with formula while breastfeeding.  I cried about it, but I got over it.  My son is over three now, and you're right about the brownies; however, I run, too, and I don't miss the heavy sensation in my chest--it always seemed like one breast had more milk than the other, and I'd list!

Take care...

Breastfeeding was incredibly hard for me from day one. My milk took almost 7 days to come in and our son was HUNGRY. We supplemented with formula till it came in and then the cycle was in full tilt. Breastfeed, pump, breastfeed, pump and on and on and on just to try to get my supply up to snuff. My entire day was all about boob juice! Also since T had colic and was crying ALL THE TIME I was so stressed that even with the extra pumping I never could get a full supply going. It was awful and so from about 2 months on we did formula and breastfeeding and pumping! It was exhausting. At 6 months I switched to all formula so I could get myself healthy again.

I salute you for sticking with it. It ain't easy for some of us!

Oz, thank you so much for this. I just returned to work at the 4-month mark, am HATING pumping, and my supply is diminishing quickly as my little boy's appetite seems to be increasing. We're already supplementing 1-2 formula bottles a day. And I'm right there with you - love the free milk and cuddle time, hate the chore that is constant feeding and pumping. Hearing your story and the responses makes me feel a lot less guilty. :)

Ewokmama: Wow, I wish I had known of that website while I was nursing.  I would have felt so much better having read about the 6 month slump!!

Good for you - I only made it 5 months. I HATED pumping, soo soo much. And you'll only have less than 6 months of formula-buying - you're right, it can get expensive!

I had to pump in the bathroom in our tiny office, with a hollow-core door that lets sound through pretty well. And I felt so guilty taking 2 15 minute breaks to do this (6 hour workday), even though I brought the phone in with me to answer it (had to turn the pump off to answer the phone, too). Once, I had to sit through an excruciating 3 1/2 hour meeting before I could finally pump. Then I went to 1 pump, then only 6 hour shifts, then 8 hour, and I'm hovering around once or so a day, just to help him nap, and we're almost at 11 months. I got over beating myself up - it does shrink how much you can offer at a time if you don't get it all out. And the "girls" would lock up if I didn't stick to a regular schedule.

You've done an awesome job - enjoy your time together now.

I find the fact that you gave him only breast milk for 6 months amazing! I had to supplement with both my babies. You're lucky your breast milk is enough to keep him full.

Six months is a blue-ribbon achievement. Reading the comments here makes me realize how lucky I am to have a private office in which to pump, a supportive boss, and (perhaps most important) the protection of California's pumping law. I wish it were easier for everyone.

Anyway, Axel is clearly one thriving kid. The mix is working!

I noticed you say you are getting back to long runs...an entry sometime, if you have nothing else more write-worthy, on how it was to get back to running would be great. How did your body react, and how do you manage the kiddo handoff (or are you bringing him/them along)? I hear so much about how I will never get any exercise after my LO comes in July- so you go girl!

you're doing such a great job!  6 months of exclusive breastfeeding? that's amazing.  don't feel guilty at all about supplementing if you need to.  my 19-month-old is still nursing, and i still(!) pump a couple of times a day.  since i travel some, i have pumped in some REALLY bizarro places.  airplane lavatory?  not so nice. i will quote melissa above, because she TOTALLY summed it up:

"Guilty for not pumping enough, guilty for not working enough.  Loving the connection with Michael, feeling trapped by the connection."

also, typing with one hand?  girl, you need a pumping band.  hands free all the way.

Ditto on what Lex said! Get yourself a hands-free pumping bra ASAP! They're the best.

And congrats on 6 months of exclusive breastfeeding. That's amazing, especially given that you're working and pumping. Nothing wrong with adding a little formula in. Pumping is a drag.

FWIW, Good Start formula is much cheaper than Enf.amil and Sim.ilac and according to our peditrician it's just as good.

Kudos to you!  If you are looking for formula suggestions, I highly recommend Earth's Best.  They sell it at Whole Foods, some health food stores and you can order it online.  My daughter had trouble with Similac Organic (constipation), but she loves Earth's Best.  She gobbles it up and has no issues with digestion.   Good luck with the transition!      

It is hard work - I remember it well. My goal was 6 months and around that time I started giving more formula. Then my milk started to dry up and I had a change of heart - I tried to keep going but to no avail - I really regretted weaning early, especially because I really could eat all the brownies I wanted when I was breastfeeding.

I had a slump a month ago and decided to supplement with formula.  Wouldn't you know, as soon as the stress of pumping enough to feed my ever hungry 6 1/2 month old eased, my flow increased.  Also, you might want to try the rubber band trick to free up both hands (loop 2 hair ties/rubber bands together - think jelly bracelets - hook one around the funnel and one in the hook on your bra strap). www.kellymom.com/.../hands-free-pumping.html

I applaud those mamas who have to pump and find a way to make breastfeeding work while they have to work! But, I'd like to make the observation that if breastfeeding was really so hard, we would all not be here as a species right now.

What makes breastfeeding hard are the unnatural demands our lifestyles put on moms. Ideally, a baby should have access to their mama to breastfeed on demand...the World Health Organization recommends breastfeeding til the age of 2! I say we all need to support legislation and programs that give attention to women's needs for breastfeeding support in the workplace AND ALSO contemplate the idea that maybe, if we are able, we might home with our babies, or work from home, if that can be arranged. If some of us refuse to play the game (desperately pumping at work, running ourselves ragged to satisfy the economical/industrial complex) and instead focus on what's best for our babies (and ourselves), maybe the rules will change.

milk4thought: Amen, but until then we pay the rent how?

!st of all good for you!  Even though breastfeeding and I aren't friends, I commend you.  That's a huge milestone there.

Secondly, Renee's hair tie hands-free tip from Kelly mom really does work!  Try it yesterday!

Milk4thought: I agree with you, even if not because I think breastfeeding is super important (sue me).  And I work from home not because I'm lucky, but because I fought like a tiger for something other than FT with a commute which left us broke and exhausted.  And we who are from home have got to work harder to make it easier for the next gal.  I'm trying.  

The best breastfeeding advice I ever read was to take it one day at a time. Some how not thinking about breastfeeding as a challenge that has to continue until x time has made it easier for me. I've been breastfeeding for 17 months. Luckily I only worked for a month and a half before my daughter turned one. Breastfeeding at my previous job was impossible and pumping at home, at night wasn't working. For me, starting formula was a slippery slope. When I finally quit my job I had to nurse my daughter for an entire day, all day long without any breaks to get my supply back. Six months is the minimium for exclusively breastfeeding for a reason. Babies don't do anything on shedule. At 6 months not every baby is ready for solid foods or formula. Baby formulas are made from soy or milk, two things that are very common allergies and are not suggested for infants until they are a year old or older. Switching to formula even on a part time basis can reduce your milk supply and end nursing prematurely, before the first year. Solid foods are not the answer either, before the age of one, solid foods should only be a supplement and mostly fun experiment with breastmilk as the main source of nutrionion.

You've made it this far, you should go all the way! Stop answering emails while pumping, try relaxing and if possible find a location outside your office to pump. Drink some mama's milk tea, eat some oatmeal cookies to increase your supply. I found that even the smallest change, drinking green tea while pumping dramatically increased my supply. You can also take a break 10-15 minutes into pumping. Sometimes stopping and restarting really helps to pump more.

Read websites like Kellymom.com and learn all the wonderful benefits to breastfeeding, maybe even keep a list of them in your office. Don't give up yet! I just realized today I have been working at my current job for almost six months and I have never had to call off work, not once for my daughter being sick. Other moms may disagree but I attribute it to breastfeeding.

Oz,Thanks for being willing and courageous enough to share your experiences with motherhood with all of us.  I applaud you for venturing into territory about which people can be, um, militant?  You are being brave to weather whatever comments may come, and I for one want to thank you for continuing to be a mom I check in with, a person with whom I find community, and a refreshingly honest and realistic view in this world of motherhood that seems sometimes to focus more on who's right and wrong and less on individuals making wholehearted and intention-filled efforts toward their own unique ways.  Kudos.  And thanks.

Milk4thought - while I agree with you in theory, I live in a world where I make more money than my husband. So, I'm the breadwinner and he's the homemaker, and unfortunately he doesn't lactate. I'm a counselor and work with people all day long, so working from home isn't possible (or desirable), nor is bringing baby with me.

If I'm running myself ragged, it's not because I feel the need to feed our economy, but rather because I enjoy my profession yet want to live up to the WHO standards to give my child breastmilk. I knew that having a child would be a sacrifice, but being responsible for supporting him financially, emotionally, and nutritionally, and still fulfilling MY needs... It's a lot to handle.

Oz wise wise wise comments there.  You "get it" better than anyone.  How'd you get so wise girl!?  I am less so, and envious. :)

Kudos to you for daring to bring up such a loaded topic...

My two cents is that you've done a terrific job and that I hope you won't let anyone bully you into feeling guilty for wanting to get off the (awful) pump.

And I believe the actual WHO recommendation is six months of exclusive breastfeeding, and then continued breastfeeding along with complementary nutritional sources up until 2 or beyond.

I didn’t have a long-term breastfeeding goal, and I think that taking it one day at a time is the best advice posted in all of the above comments. I completely agree with you that it’s not always easy! For me, it was a mostly stressful experience, because I had such a strong let-down reflex that I kept choking my son up with my milk, which led him to develop an aversion to the breast, more or less acute depending on the day or his mood. He therefore almost only accepted to nurse when lying down because that’s when it flowed the easiest (how’s that for nursing in public), and I was constantly worried about his intake. To make things even easier, he categorically refused to accept any rubber nipple for months, so supplementing with formula (or pumped breast milk for that matter) or weaning him was not really possible either.

So I went on with it, OK I didn’t have much of a choice, but in the end I feel glad that I did. I remember thinking that even if it wasn’t an ideal situation, it was still a short period of my life, and that the nursing (and larger cup size) days would be over soon enough. I ended up breastfeeding exclusively for almost 8 months, after which my son started daycare part-time and I gradually skipped feedings, without pumping (which I hated, hated, hated). I weaned him completely a few days short of his first birthday. The part-time breastfeeding solution without the pumping was really the best for me, because it still gave me that closeness and continued to give my son the antibodies and benefits, while still somewhat giving me my body and some time back. Like julielynn said, it doesn’t have to be all-or-nothing.

There were a few even more stressful weeks (OK, months) because he drank very little milk from a cup and his weight progression dropped a little, but eventually things evened out by themselves (he drank a tiny bit more, he ate more, and he started to need a little less milk as he got older).

Also, I just wanted to point out that here in Canada, the recommendation for giving a child whole cow’s milk is not necessarily 12 months. We are advised that you can switch your baby to cow’s milk starting from about 9 months, IF the child is generally healthy, has a good weight/height chart, AND most importantly eats at least one cup of varied solid foods daily (the logic being that in this case the child obtains a sufficient quantity of vitamins, minerals and fat from food). This is what I did, my now 15-month old is super healthy, and it made things much easier on the wallet.

Axel is too cute on that picture (and in general), by the way.

This is such a loaded topic.  And honestly, for anyone to even imply that those who feed solids before a year old or who supplement or who can't stay home with their kids are doing anything less than a super job is just wrong.

I not the only breadwinner in the family, but without my salary we'd be sunk.  We all make huge sacrifices to nurse and it all depends on your situation.  I ran myself ragged for the 8 months I nursed to do everything possible to keep my son healthy and happy.  I was lucky to have two 30-40-minute breaks to pump and a place to pump in.

By the way, my son is very healthy and very happy even though I supplemented with formula from day one and dared to introduce solids at 3 months (GASP!).

I do wish that I could have been home more while nursing.  I wish I could be home more now.  But life isn't always like that.

I think I may be the only one here that left a comment that never breastfed - not even once (double gasp)! My daughter is healthy and happy as a clam.  As for working from home - no thank you.  I am a litigator and appear often in courts across my home state as well as in neighboring states where I am licensed to practice law.  I have close friends that work in the fields of medicine, finance and advertising - none of which are very mommy friendly.  We all do the best we can.  The way I look at it is that there are advantages to breastfeeding and there also advantages to having attentive, loving and happy parents.  So, my advice to you, Oz, is to commend yourself for doing all that you have done these past months and then, do what makes you a happy person and a content mother.  Most importantly, only you know what is right for you.  

Thanks for the great blog too!

A world away in Australia I am in exactly the same situation - Hamish is 6 months this week & I have been back in the office 3 days a week & expressing 3 times a day - we had one scary moment at 5 months when my milk supply dropped so I bought formula, but after pumping 2 hourly the next day my supply came back with abundance. I also express in my office with a wall sized window & blinds...2 doors & neither lock...so any noise closeby sends me into a spin. Congratulations on persevering - I agree breastfeeding is not always the delight I expected it would be, but I am proud I have done it too.

Thanks for sharing your story about this -- I'm expecting my first later this summer, and have been wondering how this whole breastfeeding/pumping thing is going to go. Even though it certainly doesn't sound easy, it's so helpful to read personal experiences like yours. I really appreciate your honesty.

Reading these comments reminded me of something else that can help you.  Take a day (probably on the weekend) and "power pump."  Just leave the pump hooked up and pump for 5 minutes every time you walk by it.  Between Axel's nursing and the stimulation from the pump, your supply will boost.  You can do this every once in a while when your supply starts going down.  Fenugreek is also a pretty quick supply booster.

Let me know if it gets annoying.  I just figure I should put all the reading and practice I've done to good use.  ;)