Pregnancy is confusing. Your body's flooded with new hormones, its shape is barely recognizable, a strange little person is growing inside of you, and you've got that tired pregnancy fog clouding your ability to understand what's going on. Since I've been socked by third trimester exhaustion - I somehow escaped first trimester tiredness, but the desire to sleep and sit on the couch and weep in to a cup of hot cocoa is overwhelming me now - I've felt a bit more perplexed by some pregnancy-related things. A short list:
1. How come all maternity pants seem to give me saggy butt? They droop off my ass like I'm intentionally sagging. Is my butt not the right shape for the maternity pants? Do the maternity-clothing makers want to flatter me that, while my belly rivals that of any sumo wrestler, my butt is relatively small? Do they think droopy drawers are cute? I just wish I didn't have to shimmy up the elastic waistband every five minutes.
2. Why do people feel that pregnant women are just waiting to hear their advice? I've heard more about studies about eating an apple a day while pregnant to prevent asthma, or television watching and brain development, than is strictly necessary, from men and old and young mothers and women who don't want to be mothers. There are some seriously unhealthy people out there, and I haven't see people going up to overweight folks and warning them about heart attack risks, or reminding smokers about cancer, or telling people suffering from a terminal illness about the newest cancer research they read about online. I suppose people feel a special connection to pregnant women, since they're nurturing a very vulnerable little being inside of them, and perhaps that removes social barriers that previously existed. I've been perplexed about this for months, and I still don't get it.
3. Since people, in general, seem to want to take care of pregnant women, why is homicide the leading cause of death for pregnant women? How is that family, friends, and strangers want to do all of this door-opening and grocery-caring for expectant mothers, and then expectant mothers get bludgeoned in the head? I try not to think about this one too much, because it's so sad, and it will set me off crying again.
4. Why do baby girls get pink and boys get blue? Why are people so invested in the baby's sex? After "When are you due?", the second question out of people's mouths is, "And what are you having?" Why is there such a broad range of clothing offered to adults, with pink and blue and polka dotted shirts for both men and women, and such a limited range for babies? From what I hear, babies are concerned about eating, sleeping, being clean and warm, and having love and comfort - this pink/blue thing means nothing to them, so why do so many adults care so much? Maybe I'm just very out of touch - it certainly wouldn't be the first time - for not seeing what all the fuss is about.
5. What's with all of the negative pregnancy side effects? Why would our bodies have evolved and not kicked excruciating hip pain during pregnancy, or incontinence, or horrible heart burn? I'm sure that fancy medical professionals will tell me that these are side effects from biologically good things - the baby grows, it takes up more space, the mom's stomach shrinks, and so she has to pop Tums ever half hour. They're probably right, but wouldn't it be nice if our bodies evolved to make pregnancy less uncomfortable and bloated and achy for moms? Yeah, one of those fancy medical professionals should get right on that.
6. What's up with maternity clothes in general? I've just got to go back to that one. They seem to fall either in to the slutty camp - showing off lots of cleavage and being painted on, as though pregnant women are just dying to advertise the fact that they have had sex, if not recently at least once months ago - or plain, frumpy and saggy, floral, or sparkly - as though pregnancy has made the wearer stop caring about anything but cats, babies, and handcrafted holiday decorations. Hey, I like all of those things, but, though part of me is increasingly drawn to the comfort of baggy sweatpants, I still have a little bit of pride in my appearance. Since I'm currently dressed in sweatpants and not photo-ready, you'll just have to take my word for that one.
I'm sure there are a few other confusing things I've forgotten about - oh, like the conflicting what to eat and what not to eat guidelines - but I'm a little too foggy to remember them all. Maybe, during my sleep, I'll puzzle through these questions, like a tough algebra equation, and come up with the answers in my dreams. Unfortunately, in the wirlwind of trying to heave my body up flights of stairs and avoid weeping over pictures of polar bear cubs, I'll probably forget about my nightime epiphanies by mid-morning.
