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re: What do you think of the new TIME cover story on the "backlash against overparenting?"

mamatried — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 19:57:32 GMT

Oh, and I love Lenore's site (Free Range Kids) and agree with a lot of it.

re: What do you think of the new TIME cover story on the "backlash against overparenting?"

mamatried — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 19:46:21 GMT

Well, I didn't freak out when my almost 3 year old ate 4 packs of Skittles on Halloween but in general I'm pretty big on health foods, organics, etc. I also like to read parenting books/blogs and see what people have to say. I might go to a parenting seminar like the one described. I like getting out and meeting people and being places where my kids are welcome. Being a SAHM to a 1 year old and 2 year old I only wish we could take more classes in the winter as our town doesn't have a Children's Museum and there are days when I just want an indoor play space out of the house. We spend a lot of time at the library. So what? Why does anyone care? I gravitate towards other moms that have similar interests in the same way I gravitate towards other people in general with similar interests. I like people with a sense of humor so we can have different ideas of how our kids should eat and sleep but at least we can laugh about it.

But to the original question, no I don't think there is really a movement away from overparenting in general.

re: What do you think of the new TIME cover story on the "backlash against overparenting?"

Sooz — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 18:38:47 GMT

All those comments/judgements coming from moms out there - how do you know where these parents are coming from? Even if that large child in the stroller is not developmentally delayed, maybe it's their only chance to get to the mall because they work 8 to 5 and their husband's late at work. Maybe they don't have the time to let their toddler roam randomly through the mall. (You have to keep at least half an eye on them.)

Or maybe the stroller moms ARE overprotective because they live in a stressful world and they're generally anxious.

Regardless - maybe y'all should try being a little more empathetic and not so self-righteous.

re: What do you think of the new TIME cover story on the "backlash against overparenting?"

PlumbLucky — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 17:08:46 GMT

Wait - stroller trained? Seriously? WTF is that?????

re: What do you think of the new TIME cover story on the "backlash against overparenting?"

my 2 cents — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 17:00:04 GMT

Regarding parenting and confidence...

I think a lot of parents do lack confidence - I mean who the hell really knows what they're doing - so when they see other parents doing things the way they do, making the choices they make, subscribing to the parenting philosophies they do, they feel better about the choices they're making. The flip side is, those same parents tend to judge the people that do things differently because it shakes their confidence.

re: What do you think of the new TIME cover story on the "backlash against overparenting?"

kimora — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 16:50:13 GMT

How do you know whether people's reasons are legitimate or not? How do you know the kids you see aren't autistice or ill or just incredibly difficult today and Mom's got a sore back? Who made you the czar of what is legitimate? Do you have special diagnostic skills that allow you to just eyeball people and know whether they have a "legitimate" reason to do these things you've decided are so wrong? I ask not to bust on you, but because I run into people just like you, people who don't know me at all or who know me to speak to, who give the side eye when they see my son in a stroller or that he still wears pull-ups. People who snigger behind my back and call me helicopter mommy. Ironically, I'm a victim of my own success, 2 years of intensive early intervention have got my son to a place where he can "pass" for neurotypical the majority of the time. So I get two choices, stigmatize him constantly by telling everyone he's autistic, or deal with waves of sumg judgment from strangers. It's obvious which one is right in that instance, so I deal. But recognize that overparenting comes from this "judgey" mom culture we have. People are frightened of alot of things, one of them is this constant "you aren't doing it right" miasma of judgment. We can parent appropriately and improve everyone's life, by modeling kindness and acceptance for a wider range of parenting styles that may not work for us, but may be appropriate or even necessary for the child they are applied to.

re: What do you think of the new TIME cover story on the "backlash against overparenting?"

Melissa — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 16:27:24 GMT

@Kimora: I'm sorry if it wasn't obvious that we are not talking about children that have a legitimate reason to be in a stroller. The subject is overparenting and I see a LOT of big kids in strollers who probably do not need to be in them. Please do not take it the wrong way.

re: What do you think of the new TIME cover story on the "backlash against overparenting?"

dewi — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 16:11:53 GMT

The new buzz words used to describe "neurotic parent", overparenting or helicopter parenting is way too cute a label for the damage parents are doing to themselves and their children. Parents hobby should not be their child's life!

I agree with this from the Time article "Fear is a kind of parenting fungus: invisible, insidious, perfectly designed to decompose your peace of mind."

The irony is that parents in the article are taking a class on how "not to over parent" just seems wrong and part of the problem.

re: What do you think of the new TIME cover story on the "backlash against overparenting?"

Debra — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 13:49:43 GMT

My boyfriend didn't have a stroller when his son was little. His theory is "if the kid can walk, then he should walk."

A friend who is an administrator at UT hates dealing with Black Hawk helicopter parents: the ones who attend job interviews with their kids; who call the school to beg for a certain grade for their kids, etc.

re: What do you think of the new TIME cover story on the "backlash against overparenting?"

wami — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 05:24:03 GMT

I get Time and I read this article with interest, though I feel like this story has been done before in other magazines (namely, on this site).

I agree with others that the overparenting is simply manifesting in other ways -- people taking classes about "slow parenting", etc. It cracked me up when I read about the "expert" who comes into a family's home to "simplify" their child's life -- streamlining toys, etc.

I think the real problem I see among new moms like myself is just a real lack of confidence in their parenting skills, which leads to new moms subscribing to so-called experts, nearby supermommies, etc. on how to raise their kids. I think this has lead to a lot of overparenting frenzy -- trying to appease the so many different perspectives on proper parenting. I have a friend who seems so paranoid about making sure her son is getting the best of everything that she has no less than five different baby carriers/slings, has a toy room for him so full it actually feels like a toy store, has enrolled him in a co-op preschool, Gymboree, swim classes and is considering putting him in a foreign language class. He's not even 18 months old yet. Few of my friends have been severely effected by the economy, so no, they haven't slowed down the "overparenting" at all.

We, on the other hand, are living on one income at the moment, which has helped to curb any tendency I might have to sign up for every music, foreign language, karate, dance class my 21-month-old could be eligible for. I know in my heart that kid will be fine with visits to the library, a weekly art classes and lots of just playing around with different concepts at home. But there is this sort of anxious element to parenting these days, and it's hard to feel secure with what you are doing sometimes when the next set of parents is doing something more.

re: What do you think of the new TIME cover story on the "backlash against overparenting?"

annanina — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 03:50:21 GMT

I agree with kimora. It's challenging enough at times being a parent, but when you feel waves of judgmentalism coming off of people it certainly doesn't help. In our culture there is a "right" way to parent and everything else is considered wrong. What this has to do with overparenting is that we as a culture are so used to overparenting that we think sometimes we need to parent everyone else's kids too by proxy - but not in a nice, caring way, I'll look out for your kids sort of way. No we go around looking at other parents out of the corners of our eye and feeling smug and superior for various reasons. I know I'm guilty of this sometimes. But then I feel people doing it to me then I'm like, come on! You don't know me at all! And I'm proud of the type of mom that I am to my kids and they are happy, loved children, so there! When we have been in other countries with our kids we don't feel that same aura of watchfulness and judginess coming off other people around us that we feel in the states.

re: What do you think of the new TIME cover story on the "backlash against overparenting?"

kimora — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 03:03:46 GMT

Let me respond to the "giant toddler" who isn't potty trained remark. I have a mildly autistic 4 year old. He is not potty trained, despite two frustrating years of attempts. He's tall for his age, and old for a stroller, but given his propensity for dashing into traffic, and crowds, I do often take him places in a stroller. Most of the time, unless you are paying close attention, you'd never know, seeing him in the crowd, that he has an ASD. You know what leads to lots of parental angst, the propensity of judgemental smug people for making others (mostly strangers or near strangers) feel bad about their parental choices, whatever they may be. Overparent, underparent, I don't care, but I wish that people could let go of some of their smug judgmental comments about random people they see, when they know NOTHING about their reasons for their parenting choices.

re: What do you think of the new TIME cover story on the "backlash against overparenting?"

melospiza — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 22:52:52 GMT

I have to agree with Leslie--the idea of TAKING CLASSES in how to parent LESS seems to be kind of missing the point, and, furthermore, to be perpetuating the toxic idea that experts know how to parent our kids better than we do.

And while I haven't noticed a sea change in how other parents approach parenting, a few notes of the so-called "slow-parenting movement" do resonate with my own observations. Last year, one of the other second grade mothers mentioned several different times how she was deliberately de-scheduling her son's life. He wasn't in chess class because he already did sports in the morning, and that was "too much." He wasn't able to come to a party because he'd already "done too many things" that week. Her decisions certainly seemed valid, but what was odd (to me, anyway) was the way she framed it--his schedule was her decision. It was her job, almost. This boy was a friend of my son's, so sometimes I heard it from his perspective--and he would describe his chosen activities the same way, as his mother's decision. Now, obviously, he's in 2nd grade. Parents have always made executive decisions about their children's lives at this age. But this particular parent seems to have gotten the message that her son needs to have a less structured life--and thus she has taken it upon herself to orchestrate this destructuring. Other parents at my son's school made similar comments about their children. And the "slow-parenting movement" seems in the same vein: rather than a retreat from very involved parenting (no one is talking about heading out to the back porch for a smoke and a highball while the kids duke it out in the basement), it seems to be a new kind of involvement. And, for those of us who just aren't good at the hyperparenting thing, a new way to feel depressed and guilty about our parenting skills. (I can't even get GOOFING OFF right, for pete's sake!)

re: What do you think of the new TIME cover story on the "backlash against overparenting?"

misboots86 — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 22:38:56 GMT

Lol at all the stroller comments. I find the giant kids in tiny strollers a little wrong. I also recently was out to dinner and went to the bathroom. There was a woman wrestling a GIANT toddler in diapers on the changing station. I don't know how old he was, and didn't ask, but he hung off the thing on both ends, and while I was in there she made the comment "I guess we should start potty training you soon"

re: What do you think of the new TIME cover story on the "backlash against overparenting?"

JCF — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 22:17:11 GMT

I know this is taking the question a little off topic, but I'm glad that other people have noticed older children in strollers and find it weird. I always think it is bizarre, but then again, my oldest just turned two, so what do I know about older kids? That being said, I've seen kids sitting in strollers playing video games, which strikes me as downright wrong.

re: What do you think of the new TIME cover story on the "backlash against overparenting?"

Leslie — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 22:15:03 GMT

The TIME article is interesting, although I find the concept of taking classes in "slow parenting" sort of a flip side of the the whole over-parenting thing: trusting to experts to tell us the "right" way to raise kids and feeling guilty if we do it "wrong." I have to say that most helicoptering parents I know are still at it. They are convinced that being involved in every aspect of their children's lives is what makes a good parent.

And I would also argue that schools are encouraging this attitude by insisting that parents sign up for online grade delivery so that they can monitor their children's grades constantly and know exactly what homework they have and whether they've done it. Schools make parents feel guilty for not staying on top of their teenagers about homework, something which I frankly feel is not part of my job description!

"Slow parenting" may be fun to write about, but a cultural revolution it's not, and I doubt it will become one.

re: What do you think of the new TIME cover story on the "backlash against overparenting?"

Different Melissa — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 22:10:32 GMT

I'm a fairly new parent, but I don't see this trend happening at all - though I think it needs to. I haven't noticed any changes in behavior.

re: What do you think of the new TIME cover story on the "backlash against overparenting?"

Jane — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 20:35:01 GMT

My children are 9 and 16. I miss having strollers because you could carry so much stuff around in them. (and not always the kids)

sigh...

But yes, I am still seeing some very large children (maybe they are just two and three but are very large for their age, I don't know) in strollers. They don't even look comfortable in there!!

re: Adult Garanimals: What's Your Working Mom Uniform?

Suzanne — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 19:41:14 GMT

I have mostly black and brown slacks, and other neutral tops, so everything goes with everything else. I've found that repetition isn't a problem as long as you vary your accessories. If I'm wearing all black I try to add some color near my face to keep from looking too pale.

re: What do you think of the new TIME cover story on the "backlash against overparenting?"

Melissa — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 19:16:42 GMT

I think parenting and almost everything else in this country has gotten so extreme. It's either hovering or balloon boy.

Personally, I am a mixture of both. I did breastmilk and formula, I limit candy, but he does eat it, I do have a tendency to dab at him frequently with wipes to keep him clean, but I don't stop him from getting dirty in the first place. I'm intensely concerned about what's best for him and stimulating his educational development, but I don't "force-educate," I try to find teachable moments. And so on.

Don't get me started on strollers! If I see one more 4-6 year old being pushed around the mall (with legs so long their knees touch their chin) my head will explode. My son is almost 3 and his stroller days are NUMBERED.

re: Share Your Views: Are We Really Seeing A Societal "Backlash" Against "Overparenting?

EdnaKay — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 18:54:26 GMT

Judging from the sideways looks my husband got at the farmer's market for having the gall to take a stroller-less child, I'd venture to say that overparenting is alive and well in the posh urban outposts of my adopted coast.

Edna Junior wasn't grabbing at the locally-grown organic fruit, or being destructive, or even straying too far from Daddy, but she was not securely leashed or strapped in. It's hardly a task I would have taken on myself (I dislike food shopping and crowds in equal measure) but he was surprised that he didn't see another kid under the age of about 5 who was not riding in some kind of cart.*

The farmer's market is in an entirely pedestrian area where the only nearby streets are blocked off by police cars for the duration of the market. Sure, a gang of roving grandmotherly kidnappers could have plucked her out of the crowd, but I kind of doubt they wanted a kid who was covered in strawberry juice and pulp. Was she as aesthetically pleasing and silent as a Gap ad? No. Was she having a marvelous time? Yes.

One of the things I think about sometimes is how the "overparenting" is part of a culture of fear that does not seem confined to people with young children. My own mother fretted about not having Edna Junior on a leash in a (nearly empty) airport and my mother-in-law is obsessed with carjacking and road accidents. I used to love "CSI," but I can hardly watch it anymore since I think there are more stranger abductions in one season of that show than there are in the continental US each year.

Social norms are extremely powerful. If you want change, you have to be willing to go against the grain on stuff from cupcake eating to extensive childproofing.

*This is not meant to rag on strollers. I love strollers, own several and nearly clobbered the woman in breastfeeding "support" group that smugly mentioned that her daughter was not "stroller-trained." She made that remark while looking directly at my daughter, who was fast asleep in her bucket/neglect-o-matic/snap-and-go.

re: Adult Garanimals: What's Your Working Mom Uniform?

Stacie Keller — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 16:34:33 GMT

My current "working mom" wardrobe consists of a bathrobe and a middle of the day change to jeans and comfy top, as I work from home at my computer. - You probably remember those days! Hope you are well Katie!

re: Adult Garanimals: What's Your Working Mom Uniform?

Sandi — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 14:15:03 GMT

I teach in an academy with a dress code. Fortunately black is our color. I love black. It goes with everything - so for those times you feel you need a bit of color - a nice scarf works well with it. So I have black cords, black chinos and lots of black pullovers, polos, and button-up shirts. I am not a dress person. On the days when I'm not teaching I wear old sweatshirts, jeans, t-shirts, etc. If I'm painting (canvas)or drawing, or just boppin' around cleaning the house I WILL ruin any clothing that is less than a year old. So it has to be my old stuff. Plus it is waaay more comfortable.

re: Adult Garanimals: What's Your Working Mom Uniform?

melospiza — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 18:38:19 GMT

I don't really have a work uniform--but I do, like Catherine, tend to wear the same things on certain days of the week. For instance: on Mondays I wear my favorite pants (red!) to cheer myself up. So that day's taken care of. On Fridays I wear my (1) dress and boots. Somewhere in the middle I wear my sweatpants-that-mysteriously-look-dressy-enough-for-work.

re: Adult Garanimals: What's Your Working Mom Uniform?

Melissa — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 18:30:42 GMT

I work in an office so I have to look presentable, and I manage, just barely. I used to look quite nice before having a kid. Now it's harder since I don't have money to shop or time to really put that much thought into it. I have browns, blues and blacks, mostly and some beiges to help out. These colors work with each other, but I am so bored with my clothes these days it's not even funny.