(NOTE: H, J & E all gave me specific permission - yes, I asked - to blog about this particular topic before I put my typing fingers to laptop ;-) )
Before H became a teenager, I always kind of imagined that he would be willing to talk openly with me about his dating life. I am not sure what made me imagine such a thing about a teenage boy (maybe I watched one too many episodes of "The Brady Bunch," where Greg talks girl trouble with his parents...) but I just sort of thought that if I were a good enough mother, with a good enough relationship with my adolescent son, he would want to share these important things with me. But Greg Brady he's not; there have been no late night chats about the state of his love life over milk and cookies in our kitchen. In fact, he just turned 18 (!!!), and in the past 6 or 7 years, he's only deigned to actually introduce two girlfriends to me (or to anyone else in our family). Any attempt on my part to proactively elicit specific info on any particular girl only encouraged him to become MORE clammed up.
So I kind of gave up, assuming that some day, should he ever decide to - let's say - become engaged to be married or something, he will at at least send me an invitation to the wedding. (I hope.)
J, on the other hand, who just started her freshman year of high schol, is more than willing to talk with me about dating and boys (and also with her Aunt Betsy, J's "other mother"). In fact, dating and related topics are actually a frequent topic of mom-daughter discussion these days. I love how open she is, and how willing to tell me what's on her mind, and what's going on in her life. I don't delude myself into thinking that she tells me everything, but we definitely have a very close relationship where we are comfortable talking about topics I would have keeled over, dead of pure embarrassment before I ever would have considered talking about with my own mom.
If I hadn't already mothered my way through the teenage years with one kid who would clearly endure waterboarding before telling me whether he has any romantic interest in anyone in particular, I would be patting myself on the back about now, confidently smug in the "fact" that my obviously superlative parenting skills were the sole reason that J is so open with me about this stuff. But honestly, I haven't done anything any differently with Kid #2 than I did with Kid #1 when it comes to encouraging these sorts of conversations. So I know that this is one instance where Judith Rich may be onto something, because in this developmental area, nature clearly kicks nurture to the curb; some teenagers are obviously born with a willingness to tolerate, and even indulge their mothers' annoying curiosity about their love lives, while others are not.
And now along comes E, who just started 6th grade last month. E has always had a certain way with the ladies, as well as a natural confidence that I feel pretty certain will assure him no small measure of success in the teenage Dating Game. He's also much more chatty in general than his older brother, H, who is naturally quite reserved and private. So I erroniously assumed that E would be more like his sister J (and Greg Brady) when it comes to openly telling mom exactly what's up with his love life. But only 6 weeks into middle school, he has already let me know that he's still trying to decide where he will fall on the continuum of openness.
As is the case in most 6th grade classes, E's class is starting to have some early-stage "dating" stuff happening within the student body. His best guy friend L, with whom he's been pals since L's mom and I were pregnant with the boys at the same time, is quite happy to tell me which 6th grade boy likes which 6th grade girl (including about himself), and he's alluded to E having some interest in certain girls, and vice versa. But when I have tried to ask E about any specifics, he shuts me down. Yet, he did allow his sister J and me to play a rather ridiculous guessing game tonight (ridiculous because there are probably fewer than 40 girls in the whole middle school) regarding which female middle schooler he is considering asking to the upcoming 6th-7th & 8th grade dance. He seemed amused at our guesses - both silly and serious - but he wouldn't give us so much as a hint.
Finally I asked him teasingly whether he intends to be more like his big brother or his big sister in letting me in on what's going on with his love life. He responded with the cryptic statement, "Mom, I have a 'you can ask and I might tell' policy." He went on to say that between his older sister, mother, Aunt Betsy and female cousins, he knows he's going to get asked a lot of questions by the women in his life, and he's trying to decide how much to share. I promised I wouldn't bug him about it, but J made no such promises. In fact, she told him that he has to tell her because as Big Sister, she needs to approve of his potential girlfriends. (I laughed, but I kind of like this idea! I think she has pretty good taste ;-)
So we shall see how this plays out with E over the next few years. Will nature trump nurture? Is this a boychild thing? Will his sister's declared Girlfriend Veto Power be used with any authority? Stay tuned...
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