Special Guest Blog from My Girlfriend
It’s hard to feel bad for your boyfriend when he’s vacationing in the south of France, without you. I know he is missing me as he lounges on the beach with the kids, but the swell of sympathy just isn’t there. Plus my daughter and I are staying in his apartment, and I just stumbled across an underwear-only picture of his last girlfriend who also happens to be vacationing in the south of France. Get this, she met T for coffee in NYC a couple of weeks ago (while I was watching the kids) and asked if he wanted to fool around. He says they’re friends and throwing away the picture seemed “mean.” Maybe I’m overly sensitive because cheating was involved in my divorce. But T and I both have ex partners who are in our lives because of our children- and I say, that’s enough- it’s crowded in here. Am I asking too much?
Do you have ex’s as friends?
T invited M and I to France but we couldn’t afford the airfare and I’m doubled up teaching (remedial writing classes) this month.. Usually I work a lot but squeeze it in throughout the day, teaching odd hours, writing odd hours (writing-for-hire of the parents and women’s mag elk), and eternally working toward this or that degree. Chet, Ava and “Ava’s Daddy” (as M calls him) have been great at distracting M so I’m not a one-woman show.. Now we miss them! M literally looks under objects in the apartment searching for Chet.
Since I also write for a living, you might think I’d understand T’s blogging, but I don’t. I write about my personal experiences in articles, but I pore over what to include, what to leave out. The blog feels more intimate and immediate, like a public diary, disclosing info before I do. For instance, my mom called to ask: “So you’re leaving hair in his bed. Is that a good idea?” I also don’t know how long he can keep up blogging about the kids. T recently unblocked the computer to give them access to more sites and Chet excitedly showed me the google results when he punched in his dad’s name. He also tried typing in: “Trey’s girlfriend.”
What pray tell, is the point of a phantom guest-blogger?
Ummmm….everyone has a past with pictures to prove it. Most of us have exs that are friends. I have plenty of them. My husband is ok with all of it. Even when I go up and hug them because he is mature enough to understand that they are just friends. Don’t let jealousy get the best of you. It will kill all that is good with you and Trey. From what I get from his books and blogs, he is a very intense person looking for a life mate. Accept that and don’t let his past take that away from you.
A– good to hear from you after hearing so much about you on this blog! Trey portrays you as such a warm, giving and intelligent person. I think Trey has clearly shown that you and M are his top priority outside of Chet and Ava and so if it makes you uncomfortable, then he should get rid of the pictures.
I think your reaction to the ex-gf is completely appropriate. While it’s healthy to have exes in a larger circle of friends and, obviously, involved if kids are in the picture, there is no need for one-on-one time between exes.
There is NO WAY my husband would be friends with an ex who asked him to fool around. Period. And while we both have pictures of our ex’s, everyone has clothes on.
Do any of you keep love letters or special mementos from past lovers? I find those MUCH more intimate than naked (or nearly naked) pics of exes. While I totally get your apprehension over Trey keeping something like this, I’d also remember to respect his history. How exactly did you “stumble upon it”? Like, um, snooping through drawers stumbling or like, it’s his screensaver….?
Whatevs, none of this is my business, I’m just reacting because I can relate. I’ve been in Trey’s position and a wonderful relationship ended over it.
These issues can be extremely difficult ones to deal with, especially if the two people in the relationship have different views about what something (a photo, a friendship) means to each of them. Different strokes for different folks, and we each have to find out what works well for us (rather than what works well for others) – I think as long as you both can respectfully talk and respectfully listen, you’ll be able to reach a compromise that you both can be happy with – but it can be important not to lose sight of the fact that it is a compromise (which means neither person might be completely satisfied).
I keep in touch with my exes as long as they are respectful of my relationship. That means limited communication, no calls at night and if I had any naked pictures, they’d be thrown away. I think it’s fine to be friends with exes, but there is a fine line.
I have one ex that is almost like a baby daddy, because I was very close to his daughter. We both with other people now, but we are still friends. He told his current that I would always be able to see his daughter because I was there for both of them in the past. I told my current about him and his daughter from the beginning of our relationship. We socialize on a limted basis – we go to cookouts at their house, for instance.
I have another ex that is still kind of attached to the memory of me. We talk only occasionally by phone. Sometimes he calls at night, but I don’t answer his calls if it’s after work and I’m home with my family. That’s our time.
Trey, ditch the pictures and if the ex can’t restrain herself from offering sex, out of respect for A, she’s got to go.
The pictures are gone! I’d totally forgotten about them in the drawer when A found them while A and M were moving in. Oops.
I’m glad you tossed the pics. Not cool to keep pics of scantily clad exes. Also, if the ex is offering to “fool around” then ditch her. She’s not a friend, she’s looking to keep you on the leash….no matter how distant.
Unless two people are in love, sex is about power, or the need to feel less insecure, tomato, tomahto. Can I get him to cave in again? Is she still on my jock? Do I still have it? Am I still the man? Can I still hook a 25 year old? Do I have to be alone tonight? You get my point.
When it comes to exes I believe in the scorched earth approach. “Here’s your shit, it was great, buh-bye.” And NO contact, unless a long period of time has passed and neither is attracted to the other any longer. No unfinished business.
I don’t have a single pic of an ex anymore. I don’t want trophies of broken relationships.
A, Trey seems like a good guy and very caring of you and M. He’s obviously going through changes and handling them well. Hang tough and stick to your guns. You guys are obviously moving to the next level. That always requires some purging.
Yes, A, it’s great to hear your thoughts! Thanks for writing this open, feeling post. Your schedule sounds a lot like mine. Whew.
I really appreciated how you wrote the intimate and immediate here… even if it feels vulnerable (you’re a great writer!).
Trey, I agree with the women writers here who ask: Why would you keep an ex-girlfriend in your life if she’s still trying to get a booty call? She’s not really a friend…
Sorry, but when the girlfriend became signifigant, and MOVED IN, the pics should have gone. Or put in storage far away. Or sent to your best friend for safekeeping.
Regarding ex’s, no, we are not friends. I cannot fathom that, just based on how badly the breakups have been.
In fact, a good friend suggested that folks that you (or your SO) have shared body fluids with below the waist should not mix and mingle. I violated this with an honest naiveté and regretted it profoundly.