Obama’s Father’s Day Speech
I welcomed Obama’s Father’s Day speech chastising the legions of black absentee fathers, a number, he points out, that has doubled in a generation.
He’s hardly alone in his criticism. Besides Bill Cosby’s now famous crusade Chris Rock, back in 1996, and the late great comedian Robin Harris even earlier were busy upbraiding the cowardly black men who don’t do the right thing and help raise their children. Citing the miserably low expectations we have for black men, Obama even mentioned Rock’s rant in his speech (albeit cleaned up a lot). Here’s what Rock said back then (courtesy of the Mother Jones blog)
“You know the worst thing about n*****s? N*****s always want credit for
some s**t they supposed to do. A n*****r will brag about some s**t a
normal man just does. A n*****r will say some s**t like, “I take care
of my kids.” You’re supposed to, you dumb motherf****r! What kind of
ignorant s**t is that? “I ain’t never been to jail!” What do you want,
a cookie?! You’re not supposed to go to jail, you
low-expectation-having motherf****r!”
Obviously I’m squarely in their camp and know that my people can do much better. But I’ve been hearing the other side of the story from several black dads that has made me stop and think. We’ve been scolding for years and it hasn’t seemed to help. We haven’t looked at the entire panoply of problems like undereducation and joblessness. Now I’m not making excuses for irresponsible boys who don’t realize that it’s raising babies, not merely making them that makes you a man. I’m just more interested in systemic solutions than blame.
The other side to this story, however, the one that is rarely reported, is the demonization of far too many dads after a family splits. I’ve heard from men who wanted to be involved dads but have been barred from seeing their kids by an unfeeling and decidely anti-male family court system. Several dads have cried to me that when parents divorce the courts only want money from the father and too often impose draconian restrictions on their visiting their own children. I’ve heard this from black dads as well as white but I feel that black dads, since we’re seen as the poster children for callous, neglectful parenting, are almost always instantly presumed guilty.
Let’s support the good dads out there as zealously as we go after the deadbeats.
(crossposted on the HuffingtonPost)
I don’t think the issues mentioned in your post could have been conveyed any better. As a divorced dad with three sons who’s mother has vowed to “punish me” by doing nothing to foster a relationship with them, I retain a high degree of sensitivity to, not just absentee fathers, but uninvolved ones as well. Now, remarried and a step-dad of two girls, I watch in frustration as my wife goes above and beyond in her efforts to gain even the smallest amount of interest by her ex-husband in his daughters. To be allowed the same level of virtually unlimited access to my boys would be a proverbial and literal dream for me. As the father, I feel there is little faith I can place in the courts to be of any relief in the matter, yet there are so many poor fathers out there, it’s understandably difficult for the courts to maintain any sort of consistent objectivity.
I agree on the demonization by the courts and the harsher perceptions of black fathers. While I was reading, the thought occurred to me how white dads are guilty of the same transgression attributed to blacks, and yet they enjoy a reprieve from those opinions because they are white. The bottom line is our children look to us in order to gain an image of who a man should be in all the roles we live out regardless of demographics, and it’s this thought that both scares and inspires me. It’s all about taking responsibility.
Thanks again for a great post.
R
It absolutely kills me when I see women who will use their children to punish their exes. It’s a thought process that I simply cannot understand. My daughter’s dad and I haven’t been together since she was born but he’s been a fixture in our life regardless of our relationship status. He is her father and I would never stand in the way of their relationship. I can absolutely understand going to the courts for the men that want nothing to do with their own flesh and blood, but to hurt the good men, who love their children and want nothing more than to be fathers to them, I just don’t get it. When it comes to your children, you have to look past your own hurt to do what is best for your kids. As long as my daughter’s dad does right by my little girl, I’ll never try and harm their relationship. I simply wish that more women would stand by the good dads and not intentionally try to hurt them. There are plenty of irresponsible dads for them to fight against.
I am always offended by generalized comments that peg one race or another in a certain light. Too be sure there are dead beat fathers among black men, but this is true of every race. I see more good fathers of every race than bad ones and I say this as a mother whose own children have a deadbeat for a father. It’s his loss.
As for Obama’s speech, this is the second time I have been disappointed with his comments about blacks – the first being his popeye’s chicken comment in Atlanta a while ago. I and every other black person I know have sworn off Chris Rock, Cosby, and the like for their comments on blacks – and Obama should hesitate before aligning himself with the likes of these men. The cultural problem of deadbeat dads is not a racial one – its a sad one.
Thanks for a great post on an important (and controversial) subject. I think this issue mirrors how we as a country approach so many (some would say all) issues. We don’t look for the causes of the problem, we simply look for a scapegoat and move on. I wonder when the day will come that we can consider preventing a problem, instead of reacting to it. I guess, in this case, if we looked beyond the issue of absentee fathers we might have to acknowledge that blame for this problem can be spread around to quite a few more people.
Ha! In our house it is not uncommon for one of us to tell the other when whining about what we’ve done during the course of a day, “What? You want a cookie? You’re SUPPOSED to do those things!” and we usually crack up. I like Chris Rock and I understand Alicia’s point of view to an extent. I think it’s important to look at things a little more broadly than Cosby does, but the crux of his opinions do hold some water and include not just black men, but any parent who does not step up and raise their kids.
My job takes me to a very small, rural town here in SC and I was heartbroken the other when I visited one of my families. The 23 year old daughter and her father fight to the point that she’s hospitalized him and been in prison and the police were called the night before. This woman has already had one child taken from her, and the two boys in her custody are not being treated well, according to their grandmother, my patient. One son is only a month or so younger than my own son and the differences are startling and depressing. This child can’t talk, he’s hardly socialized at all,he can’t name anyone’s names, or his body parts, animals, nothing. He is likely borderline in IQ and his mogther is on the phone constantly and will even take a nap with her door closed, leaving him unattended for very long periods of time.
I begged his grandmother to advocate for those kids and do her best to keep them safe and make them feel loved.
Alicia, my perception is that Obama, Cosby, and Rock are all targeting black men because they ARE black men. One might say if we don’t help ourselves, who will help us? And “help” will include constructive criticism.
The key now, to Trey’s point, is to make sure we’re being constructive.
interesting post!
one thing that stands out for me is how the default picture on each comment is a smiling white baby .. how about a little diversity, Babble?
This subject is so complex that it would take a whole book to sort it out; maybe a 10 volume set.
I think that a lot of neglectful fathers, particularly the young ones, are probably kids who haven’t been fathered themselves. Thus they don’t have a clue when they become fathers.
I personally know a lot of families where there is a continuing cycle of teen pregnancy. Most teenagers are not equipped to maintain a lasting relationship with each other, much less raise a child.
There are a lot of women who take out their frustration on their children’s father(s), which is wrong. There are women who get pregnant by men who weren’t good for them in the first place and then are mad when the inevitable happens.
I also know a lot of men who wanted to be part of their children(s) lives and were prevented by doing so by the mothers. The laws regarding child support are grossly unfair in this country. Those fathers that are paying child support have no tax relief; they are subject to the whims of the mother as to whether they can claim a child(ren). They have basically no recourse if the mother decides to relocate and not inform them. I know fathers who have paid child support for years and have not seen their child in years.
I could go on and on, but this isn’t my blog.
The fathers that don’t do what they are supposed to do really make it rough on those that love and take care of their kids.
Part of the problem might also be that men are still socialized to think that they can only be real men and fathers by being the breadwinner. In many communities in this country it is near impossible for a young black man to find a decent paying job due to any number of factors (lack of education, lack of opportunity, etc.) So in some instances maybe the men just give up, rather be a no-show than a less-than dad.
And I think it also has to do with expectations. Much like what Chris Rock and others have pointed out, an adult is supposed to take care of his responsibilities and his children. So why do we women/mothers accept less? And why do we so often focus on financial contributions, which is only a small fraction of what children need from their fathers?
And shame on all the women who use their children to get back at their ex’s.
it always comes down to race… all black people really need to grow up and remember they were slaves 50 years ago.
Cry me a river.
Sarah, are you being facetious, or what? If you aren’t, then I urge you to please S.T.F.U.
In light of Sarah’s “comment,” I am wondering if it is possible to delete things from these boards, or to report inappropriate statements. Babble?
I can’t IMAGINE a context in which Sarah statement could be consider “facetious.” It’s a big internet Sarah – why not take that crap somewhere else.
And thanks Trey for another excellent post. It reminds me again of how very fortunate I am to have the custody agreement that I have.