FameCrawler : lions for lambs

Don't Mess With Katie Holmes, Or She Will CUT YOU

HerBadMother — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 16:30:00 GMT

Katie - whoops, Kate - Holmes has a warning for anybody out there who's thinking about dissing her family, yo: don' mess with her, y'all, or she will hurt you.

And by 'mess with' she means 'don't talk shit.' Referring to "stuff in the news" about daughter Suri and ~~His Imperial Lordship~~ husband Tom, she said “that’s just not OK. It’s something that I don’t stand for. I am a mother.”

"I will stand up for my family."

Jada Pinkett-Smith, friend and soon-to-be cult companion, says that we all should listen to her. “Behind all that grace is a tiger,” she said. “[Kate] is extremely protective.”

I would be trembling with fear right now, but I'm shaking too hard from the laughter.

Source

Katie Holmes Takes Creepy To A Whole New Level

HerBadMother — Thu, 13 Dec 2007 22:35:00 GMT

Katie Holmes freaks me out. I know - join the club - but still: sometimes it's like she's trying to freak everyone out. Like when she says shit like this:

"Tom likes me in a suit and a mini every now and then. I like it when he likes it. It makes me blush."

Minis? Blush? Um, ew. I don't want to know what kind of weird shit Tom is telling you to tell the world about your creepy non-existent sex-life so that people will think that he's, like, straight or whatever. But at least if you're going to make shit up, make it convincing, and don't editorialize with bizarre statements like 'it makes me blush.' That is both mind-bogglingly creepy and so obviously fabricated that it proves, in four words, that you have either had your brain removed and replaced by a computer that is programmed by Cruise's private team of robotic scientists, all of whom live in their parents' basements and think that grown women really wear mini-suits and say things like 'that makes me blush,' , or that you have been so fully subjected to Scientology mind-screwage that all those old Dawson's Creek lines tucked away in the darker corners of your brain are scrambling and reconstituting themselves into bad science-fiction-slash-soft-porn dialogue. Or both.

Either way, it's freaking me out. Stop.

Source

Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes and Suri Look Perfectly Normal

sweatpantsmom — Thu, 06 Dec 2007 14:05:00 GMT

Don't worry - I haven't fallen under the Scientology spell of Tom Cruise. I'm not going to start detoxifying with beet juice, burning incense to ward off Xenu or transforming myself into Posh Spice or anything else those Scientologists make you do.

But I have to admit Tom, Katie and Suri look like a nice, normal family here out for a day in London's Hyde Park. In fact, if I were to run into them looking like this I might even stop and offer them some gum. Or some beet juice.

[photo: TMZ.com]

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes Didn't Want to Take Suri to the Olive Garden

Whit Honea — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 19:33:00 GMT

TomKat knows that the Olive Garden is just for peasants and common folk, so they decided to grab their take-out in Italy. Why not?

That's not really what happened. They're there for something else, but I figured my version would be more interesting.

Maybe not.

Photo: Celebrity Moms

She Bangs! Katie Holmes Has a New Do That Looks Awfully Familiar

sweatpantsmom — Mon, 03 Dec 2007 15:05:00 GMT

Hey - I knew I'd seen that hairstyle somewhere before. And this isn't the first time Katie Holmes has done the mother-daughter hairstyle thing.

Earlier this summer Holmes got herself a fringe to go with daughter Suri's.

And look! Tom got himself a do just like his mama's!

[photos: People.com. TMZ.com]

From the WTF Files: Suri Cruise Has $3,000 Shoes

sweatpantsmom — Fri, 30 Nov 2007 18:35:00 GMT

Feeling guilty about buying your kid those fifty-dollar Nikes? This'll make you feel better: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have paid cobbler-to-the-stars Christian Louboutin $2500 to have a mold made of daughter Suri's feet. The mold will be used to hand-craft footwear to exact specifications - for an additional charge of $500 to $5,000 a pair. That means 18-month old Suri will soon be kicking around in a pair of shoes that will cost at least $3,000. Damn - that's more than Lions For Lambs made.

I guess once you're as filthy rich as Tom and Katie, you're just looking for ways to throw away your money. I hear they also ordered a nice pair of slippers for their goldfish.

[photo: People.com]

"The Picture Tom Cruise Doesn't Want You to See" - Get Yer Angry Baldy Right Here, Folks

HerBadMother — Tue, 20 Nov 2007 16:23:00 GMT

That picture that Tom Cruise doesn't want you to see? The story is that the diminutive Scientologist and the producers of the Ben Stiller movie (Tropic Thunder) in which he appears just don't want the 'surprise' cameo ruined for fans. Which, whatever. If there's really anybody out there who would get a big thrill out of seeing a fat, balding Tom appear unexpectedly in a Ben Stiller movie, I doubt that they're going to be put off by a little spoiler or two. You'd have to be a die-hard Tomophile to get off on the combination of Tom, prosthetics and Ben Stiller. Really.

My guess? The producers of the Ben Stiller movie orchestrated the dissemination of those photos to drum up press for the movie - because, really, how many Ben Stiller movies have done boffo box office recently? (how many Tom Cruise movies have done boffo box office recently?) - and Tom's just choked because a) his 'serious' movie is a flop and he's still stinging from that, b) he looks like a right idiot, and c) put those two things together and you have the perfect recipe for a Scientologist hissy fit.

Get a good look at the picture and get your giggles in while you can; the deputies of Xenu will make us take it down soon.

Photo source: Just Jared

Miscasting of the Year: Tom Cruise as Hugh Hefner

sweatpantsmom — Tue, 20 Nov 2007 00:05:00 GMT

You thought it was cringe-worthy to see Tom Cruise playing the role of a supportive husband - now get this. He's reportedly putting on his smoking jacket to play Hugh Hefner in a biopic of the Playboy founder's life. Tom Cruise surrounded by a bevy of half-naked Playboy bunnies - and pretending to like it? Wrong, so wrong.

There's no confirmation from Cruise's rep, but a source close to the actor says Tom "thinks he would be the perfect person to bring it to the big screen...[it] would remind people of his versatility as an actor. At the moment people are concentrating on his personal life, and his marriage to Katie - but he wants to remind them that he can act too.”

So, what do you think? Tom Cruise as a womanizing playboy who mysteriously uses his sexual prowess to convince groups of women to have sex with him simultaneously? I say mission, impossible.

Tom Cruise is Down to Earth and Apparently a Bit of a Liar

sweatpantsmom — Fri, 09 Nov 2007 13:05:00 GMT

In spite of his millions, his private jets, his mansions and his movie star wife, Tom Cruise insists he is a simple man. No, really. "I wear jeans, socks and a shirt - all totally normal. I get my hair cut on set. I have no iPhone, no mobile, no email address, no watch, no jewelry, no wallet." Judging by this statement, I expect to see Cruise living among the Amish, wife Katie in a bonnet by his side as they pull up to their movie premiere in a pony-powered buggy.

But wait - this photo was taken last Monday during Cruise's appearance on TRL and what's that wrapped around his wrist? Could that be the battery-operated time-telling device that Tom claims has no place in his life? I'm thinking that after this shot was taken, Tom got on his iPhone to his agent, told him to forward his contracts to his email, and then pulled out his wallet to throw hundred-dollar bills to the crowd. I'll bet he's lying about the socks, too.

[photo: People.com]

Tom Cruise Has an Anniversary Surprise For Katie Holmes; Let's Hope it's Not a Ticket Back to the Mothership

sweatpantsmom — Thu, 08 Nov 2007 22:05:00 GMT

With the first wedding anniversary of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes approaching, the question on everyone's mind is, "What will Tom buy Katie?" I know I've been losing sleep over it, and this right after I'd finally found peace of mind over the fact that Paul and Heather will not be reconciling.

Cruise was being honored on Tuesday night at the Museum of the Moving Image at its annual black-tie salute and was asked what he and Holmes would be doing to celebrate their one year anniversary. "I've got some things in store," he answered. When asked if he had secret plans for his wife he answered, "Absolutely!"

So what does a slightly maniacal mega-superstar gazzillionaire give his marathon-running, maybe-held-against-her-will wife for their paper anniversary? I've got ideas!

Risky Business poster to show what he looked like before the Thetans got a hold of him

Suitcase full of cash. Marked bills, of course.

2008 calendar with Katie's ovulation schedule pre-marked, as well as all days (2) she's allowed to see her friends and family.

Receipt from their first date together. Because there's nothing more memorable than take-out for twelve at a Scientology briefing.

[photo: People.com]

Paula Radcliffe Is One Fast Mama

sweatpantsmom — Tue, 06 Nov 2007 01:05:00 GMT

So she didn't have her family flown in by private jet and wasn't kissed halfway through the race by the dude from Top Gun, Paula Radcliffe won the women's race of the New York City Marathon. Take that, Thetans!

And while all the paparazzi lenses may have been turned towards more famous runners like Lance 'Man Ho' Armstrong and Katie Holmes, Radcliffe pulled off a spectacular feat, winning the grueling 26.2 mile race a mere 291 days after giving birth to daughter Isla Lough. It's been 3,285 days since I last gave birth and I get winded just walking to the refrigerator.

There was a pall of sadness at the start of 38th running of the marathon, as all the runners observed a moment of silence to honor fellow marathoner Ryan Shay who died the day before during the U.S. Olympic trials in Central Park. For Radcliffe, Shay's untimely death put things in perspective. "It's just a race at the end of the day. We're just racers...It's about how much you have left inside."

Will Smith and Tom Cruise Share Something Special: Desire

Whit Honea — Mon, 05 Nov 2007 20:04:00 GMT

According to Will Smith, he and Tom Cruise have a lot in common. I hope not for Will's sake. Says Smith, "He's the only person that I've ever met that can match me, step for step, with energy, with work, with desire."

Really? How can he just stab DJ Jazzy Jeff in the back like that? I've seen what Cruise is selling and it isn't fresh, Prince.

I'm thinking that Will Smith needs to get out more, meet some new people. Call me, Will. We'll do lunch.

Photo: Gabby Babble

Katie Holmes Runs Gruelling Marathon, Then Is Forced To Watch Tom Cruise Movies

HerBadMother — Mon, 05 Nov 2007 14:33:00 GMT

It's an awesome thing to run a marathon, it really is. And I'm told that, the pain notwithstanding, it's an exhilarating experience. Which, sure, okay - I can see how some people might think that. Personally, I think that it sounds like sheer hell. And reading the stories and seeing the pictures of Katie Holme's epic run yesterday didn't do anything to dissuade me of this opinion. Katie might have been enjoying herself, but it sure doesn't look that way. Girlfriend looks pained, not least, I imagine, because she is not wearing a bra.

(I'm going to pause for a moment to let that sink in.)

No bra. Is there any greater hell than running 26-plus miles with one's delicate post-partum puppies flapping and chafing against one's loose, sweaty yoga-wear? Well, as a matter of fact, there is...

It may be pretty hellish to run a marathon bra-less, but I put it to you that it is more hellish to run a marathon bra-less and then be made to sit down and watch an earnest drama about Afghanistan starring Tom Cruise. Like, Ninth Circle of Hell hellish. Seriously, is this some variation on the Ludovico Technique that the Church of Scientology is trying out?

You know, I've never bought that the Holmes-Cruise union was anything more than a convenient, publicity-friendly sham. But really, shouldn't even a fake husband do better, when celebrating a major accomplishment of his fake wife, than making everybody watch a super-boring movie starring him?

(Photo Credits: INFdaily.com, JustJared.com)

Katie Holmes Finishes But New Mom Paula Radcliffe Wins NYC Marathon

sweatpantsmom — Sun, 04 Nov 2007 22:15:00 GMT

In spite of (or maybe because of) a mid-race liplock with hubby Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes didn't win the New York City Marathon. That honor went to new mom Paula Radcliffe, who won the women's race. Radcliffe, who trained throughout her pregnancy and just gave birth in January, finished the race with a time of 2:23:09 Holmes time was 5:29:58.

How is this possible? Obviously someone up at Scientology headquarters isn't doing their job and forgot to cosmically transport Katie to the finish line in warp speed. No matter, as Katie still got a lavish end-of-race party that Tom put together for her at Tavern On The Green, with all her family flown in from Ohio. Don't feel sorry for all the other runners that trained hard for the race - I'm sure they had a nice cold cup of water and a stale granola bar waiting for them at the finish line.

Run, Katie, Run

Whit Honea — Sat, 03 Nov 2007 21:07:00 GMT

Katie, be the rabbit. Na-na-na-na-na-na. Yes, I'm channeling both John Updike and Chevy Chase. What? Would you rather have Soulja Boy and Duane Chapman (that's Dog the Bounty Hunter)?

Katie Holmes is planning to run in the NYC marathon tomorrow. She has supposedly been training for the race. I think we all know she's really training for escape. I watch TV, I know how this works. Here's the plan, Katie, get your pregnant ass on that pavement and run until the currency changes. I suggest north. You've had the training. You have the desire. Run where Xenu ain't.

Photo: Celebutopia

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes Look Like Saucy Siblings

Whit Honea — Fri, 02 Nov 2007 22:14:00 GMT

Katie Holmes was cool enough to wear flats to the premiere of Lions for Lambs which combined with Tom Cruise's platform shoes leveled the playing field. Cruise still insisted on standing on a stack of phone books, but whatever, he's the star.

Is it just me or is TomKat starting to resemble itself? They look more like brother and sister, or sister and sister, than husband and wife. I can't tell where one ends and the other begins. They complete each other. That's so romantic.

Photos: Celebutopia

It Sure Looks Like Katie Holmes is Pregnant

sweatpantsmom — Fri, 02 Nov 2007 17:35:00 GMT

The curvy body. The wild hormones. The empire-waisted dresses and shapeless shirts. But enough about Tom Cruise. He and Katie Holmes are shown here at the L.A. premiere of his new movie, Lions for Lambs, and Holmes appears to be sporting the latest celeb fashion accessory - the baby bump.

The couple, who will celebrate their first wedding anniversary on November 18, have both said in interviews that they would like a sibling for daughter Suri, 18-months. By the looks of the mound underneath Holmes' dress, it appears the seed has indeed been planted for yet another Scientology spawn. All hail Xenu!

[photo: UsMagazine.com]

Tom Cruise Makes a Realistic Cardboard Cutout

Whit Honea — Mon, 29 Oct 2007 21:42:00 GMT

Too. Many. Jokes. Somewhere between Hitler and Freddie Mercury I'm left with this lifelike cutout of Tom Cruise. It does look pretty real, except that it is a bit on the tall side.

What is that on his palm? A musical note? Does his other palm play dixie?

Crap, that joke works on so many levels I should just retire. That's it. I'm out.

Photo: Gabby Babble

Tom Cruise Hugging On and Leering At Posh Spice

sweatpantsmom — Fri, 26 Oct 2007 13:05:00 GMT

Hey - Why's Tom Cruise hugging on Victoria Beckham and looking like he wants to bang her? Oh, sorry - that's Katie Holmes, just back from her appointment at Supercuts where she got her new Posh 'do. As for Tom, he's obviously thinking, "Cool. It'll be just like hugging and banging Victoria Beckham!"

Speaking of Posh, the Spice Girls and things inappropriate, it seems that Tom is having trouble scoring tickets to the Spice Girls concert. After trying to call in a favor with Katie's former BFF, he was turned down. "You know what, I phoned Victoria but she said, 'I'm sorry we're sold out." Of course, everyone knows that 'Sold Out' is the new hip euphemism for "Your wife stole my haircut and now you are dead to me."

[photo: People.com]