FameCrawler : celebrity-in-need-of-makeover

Someone's Obsessing Over David Caruso, Skinny Legs And All

HerBadMother — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 23:32:00 GMT

If there's one thing that I've learned writing for Famecrawler, it's that every single celebrity, even the most obscure and unlikely, has at least one obsessive fan. David Caruso, by my count, has at least two. Which doesn't exactly make him A-list, I know, but it does mean that I wasn't surprised when I heard he had a stalker.

Because if somebody is obsessive enough to have a little freak-out when a junior league gossip writer mocks his skinny little legs - as modelled in a tabloid photo of the actor carrying his small child - they just might be obsessive enough to try to hunt him down and touch those skinny little legs themselves.

Thankfully, I don't think that the Austrian woman who is being pursued by authorities for threatening Caruso with death (for refusing to sign autographs, apparently, and not because he has skinny legs) is one of the two fans who roam the Internet looking for opportunities to defend the poor man from mockery and injustice.

From E! News:

According to the Tiroler Tageszeitung newspaper of Innsbrook, a warrant has been issued for the arrest of the 41-year-old defendant, whose identity was not disclosed due to Austria's privacy laws, after she apparently went AWOL.

The news comes just days after her lawyer promised prosecutors that his client would be present for the proceedings, which were expected to kick off on Wednesday.

The fugitive is accused of sending more than 100 letters to the 52-year-old actor, famed for playing Lt. Horatio Caine on the hit CBS TV series, and stalking him for an autograph. When Caruso refused, the Tyrol native allegedly bombarded him with death threats.

One little chestnut went thusly: "I will locate you and your ugly Latina tramp and kill you."

(The tramp in question is possibly an allusion to actress Alana De La Garza, who played Caine's cancer-suffering wife, Marisol Delko, on the show. A sniper working for a drug dealer dusted her character at the end of season four.)

Thanks to some crack detective work, the FBI, working in tandem with Austria's Federal Criminal Investigations Bureau, tracked down the apparently obsessed fan and took her into custody last year.

Per the Austria Press Agency, the suspect underwent an evaluation by a court-appointed shrink, who testified that the suspect was suffering from a "profound personality disorder."

It's too bad that he's just a fictional criminal investigator with a Jesus complex, because otherwise he probably could have tracked her down already himself and looked at her over his sunglasses and uttered some cryptic but no doubt brilliant assessment of the motivations for her crime, and that would be that. But that's the thing: his tortured-but-brilliant-and-compassionate investigator with the slick suits is fictional. In real life, he's an actor with a stalled career and skinny legs.

(*ducking from inevitable blows of outrage from his fan*)

Source

Don't Do It, Britney: It's A Trap

HerBadMother — Wed, 12 Sep 2007 17:34:00 GMT

Defamer is reporting that the producers of Extra have offered Britney Spears an opportunity to redeem herself for her execrable VMA performance with a "do-over" of that performance at their studios. "Britney, come perform 'Gimme More' and show the world what you've got," said the producers in their press release. "Our stage is yours....the deal is on the table."

Britney, if you're reading this: DON'T DO IT.

Defamer argues that the offer is a trap, and I gotta say - they're probably right. Odds are that those noble Extra producers are right this very minute trying to figure out just how much vodka will bring about the perfect stagger - just enough to stumble around; not enough to collapse - and are stocking her dressing room accordingly. They don't have Britney: Grown-Up, Sober and Unplugged in mind - they're thinking Oops, She Did It Again. They've seen the VMA ratings and the YouTube numbers, and they're thinking, how do we get a piece of that? And if it means throwing poor, beleaguered Britney under the bus, so what? She's already been there! What's a few more treadmarks?

There's a slim possibility that the producers of Extra are acting out of the kindness of their ~~dead black~~ hearts, but I doubt it. In any case, I just don't want to see that shit again. It's effecting my self-esteem. So please, Brit-Brit, for the sake of your dignity, your children and the legions of mothers who see something of themselves in your muffin top and your dimply thighs, just say no.

Or at least put some pants on.

(photo credit - EW.com)

David Caruso: Raising The Style Bar For Dads Everywhere

HerBadMother — Wed, 15 Aug 2007 20:03:00 GMT

David, dude: get some self-tanner, and do something about that unsightly bulge protruding from your right thigh. Also, lose the purse.

Please. You're scaring the children.

(Photo credit: Pacific Coast News for use on FameCrawler)